Tuesday, May 27, 2008

"I'm a pimp, and pimps don't commit suicide."

Royals things first, and then I'll get to the heart of this post (and the quote for the title).


As I was working out at the gym and glancing up at the scrawl on ESPN, I saw that the Royals were down 3 - 0 and knew that this game had to be over. These Royals are not a team that comes back to win. It really just seems that if they don't jump out with a quick lead, they cannot win. Now, I could look at box scores to back this gut feeling up, but I don't have that kind of time (eating and drinking beckons). It really just feels like once the Royals find themselves behind, no matter how much their pitching keeps them in the ballgame, they do not have the firepower to dig themselves out of any kind of hole.

Then I get home, check my fantasy team, and see that the Royals are in the 10th having drawn up to a 3 - 3 tie behind a Teahen three-run, inside-the-park home run. Now they may or may not win this ballgame, but they proved my gut feeling wrong one time. Hopefully, they can prove that they can win a ballgame or two.


Now hopefully (for you), the quote in the title is unfamiliar. If it does ring a bell, I'm sorry. That line is said not once, not twice, but three times in the most incomprehensible film ever made. Based on what the filmmaker said, this was a film that was supposed to be all things. Comedy. Thriller. Satire. Action film. What it ends up being is an utter piece of garbage.

The 'it' of which I speak is Southland Tales, and trust me, you do not want to see it.

Going in, the Old Lady, J-Bone, and I knew that we were about to watch a movie that was reportedly bad. That being said, I think we all were fairly open-minded and were expecting to find at least a few redeeming qualities. What we were treated to was essentially what would happen if Brett Ratner's ambitious, half-tard brother made an homage to Brazil. A disaster.

And all of us liked Donnie Darko. Sure it was convoluted and had some plot holes, but it was still enjoyable at the very least.

Southland Tales
is anything but enjoyable. It clocks in at 2:15 (maybe more, my brain was hurting a lot by the time the movie was over), and I can safely say that there was only one scene that was actually good--and the faux domestic disturbance between Wood Harris and Amy Poehler was hilarious only because of my boy Avon Barksdale's gesticulating. The rest of the film is basically a series of events that take place involving characters leading up to this huge explosion, only there is absolutely no tension, and even if you are following what's going on and can makes sense of it there is simply nothing of any interest whatsoever.

I wanted to walk out of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 after about half an hour. I wanted to shoot myself after about fifteen minutes of Southland Tales. I guess I wasn't much of a pimp.

But I did finish the piece of shit, so I guess there's that.

1 comment:

Weibel said...

Yeah thanks for the warning on Southland Tales..but didn't go strait to video..or was there a limited release? I was thinking of renting Southland Tales, not I don't have to get a painful headache and want to throw stuff.

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