Friday, January 30, 2009

Tube Steak: Reasons I Dislike "Battlestar Galactica" - Part Four

The Denigration of the Eye-Patch

If the film resume of Kurt Russell has taught me anything, it is that the eye-patch is to be reserved for only the most extreme of badasses.

Exhibit A:
Snake Plissken
This is one of the biggest badasses in the history of man

Exhibit B:
Captain Ron
Did you see the shit he pulled off in Cuba?

It was the work of the eye-patched Kurt Russell that caused kids the world over to wish that they would lose an eye.

Exhibit C:
Then the creators of "Battlestar Galactica" decide that they are going to sully what filmmakers have been using the likes of Kurt Russell to create: the image of the eye-patch as a sign of toughness. Kurt Russell teamed with men like John Carpenter to the reverse the fortune for those afflicted by a disability, cyclopia. Kurt Russell and John Carpenter worked painstakingly hard toward the cause of lionizing the uniocular, only to have these fuckers bastardize their work by wasting the eye-patch on this guy:
And to make matters worse, they have gone away from the piratically inspired eye-patch that we have come to love, to respect, to revere. They have short-changed the one-eyed by fashioning an eye-patch from band-aidian materials, universally dicking over the eye-patch adorned world over with this:
And he's just a curmudgeonly old fuck. You can't like him. He's a liar. And a Cylon. And just not cool. People (or robots) who wear eye-patches are supposed to be cool goddammit. That guy is not cool by any stretch of the imagination, and that is bullshit.

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