Thursday, August 1, 2013

Breaking Down: Taking Odds on Season Five Point Two of Breaking Bad

We are back at it folks, gearing up for August 11. We have running commentary up on all previous episodes of Breaking Bad. In this preview you won't learn how to bet, but hopefully you will be amused.

Check back in shortly after each episode airs for further shenanigans. 

Craig Scholes: Full disclosure, this is going to go down whilst I listen to Kyle Kinane's Death of the Party album.

Stan Earnest: I'm so old. I grabbed a pad to write down what I need from the store, and by the time I got to the pad I forgot.

CS: So apparently the first item should be Depends.

SE: Walt burns New Mexico to the ground (4:1)

CS: ?

SE: 4 to 1 odds.

CS: I'll take the over. Is that how that works?

SE: Bet $1; win $4. Now that would be like: Over/under on people Walt kills in the last eight episodes: 18.

CS: $4. Now am I doing it right?

SE: No, you bet $1 and hope to win $4, or you bet $4 to win $1.

CS: I split then.

SE: Herding cats today folks.

So who makes it out alive:
Walt (5:1)
Hank (2:1)
Skyler (bets are off)

CS: Crippy McFlynn

SE: Crippy McFlynn (1/5). He's as good as dead. Can't outrun that M60.

CS: So basically it’s just pray and spray, and let's go sort the dead?

SE: Should be: how does Walt die: Cancer (150,000/1)

CS: Cut to a scene with Landry, Jesse, and Walt standing in a room together:

Jesse – “ That got out of hand.”
Walt – “Yeah, Landry killed a guy.”
Landry standing there holding a grenade
Walt – “Where did you get a grenade?”
Landry – “I DON'T KNOW!”

SE: Ghost of Gale splashes coffee on the grenade.

CS: I think Walt goes by suicide by cop on the brink of death with cancer.

SE: My favorite choice for an ending would be Walt just killing everyone and slips away to Tijuana whilst Hank slipped out alive and is hiding in a palm tree.

CS: I’m still sticking with a scenario where Walt joins witness protection and that’s how he becomes the dad in Malcolm in the Middle.

SE: Walt sniffs the blue...whatever the odds, I'm taking them. Then we learn Pinkman secretly bought the Aztek, and he comes rumbling in bowling over cartel members.

In all seriousness, it was pure fucking genius to show Walt alone and with a machine gun in the future. It might go down as one of the greatest flash-forwards of all-time.

CS: Oh, without a doubt Walt tries some crystal at some point.

SE: It’s like the show just says, "Sit back, buckle up. You know how this goes down."

CS: Hopefully off the back of a stripper.

SE: I'm thinking Pinkman teams up with Hank. It's gonna be weird. No one wants Pinkman to die, but I'm putting him at 2:1. Marie will probably escape with all the money and her red stapler. Scratch that. Purple stapler.

Walt's daughter. Hmm... I don't want to put odds on this.

CS: Somehow I always forget Walt has a daughter. Real cat's in the cradle situation that’s gonna turn out to be.

SE: It is going to be real strange when we find out that kid is Mike's.

Ricin gets used (∞:1)
Pinkman teams with Hank in some form (1:2)

CS: Walt does Ricin (all bets off)
Crippy McFlynn dies (20:1)
Crippy McFlynn takes over (50:1)
Jesse and Hank start a buddy cop show where Jesse is the loveable goof reclamation project (150:1)

Pinkman isn't going to die.

SE: We know Saul makes it out because there is serious talk of a spinoff involving him. Unless it is a prequel. Jar-Jar Binks is his first client. "Meesa didn't mean to use the ricin, Saul!"

CS: I’m just gonna ignore that Jar-Jar Binks bullshit because fuck that guy.

SE: So what happens in the episode on August 11? Does Hank immediately flip out?

CS: Oh no. Hank is going to play the long con. He may even go over there for a BBQ the next day all cool as fuck. He won't tell his wife. He is just gonna roll into work, "Oh hey guise, how wuz yer weekind... (closes blinds) OH YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I FIGURED OUT!"

That cliffhanger definitely had a The Usual Suspects feel to it.

SE: So Hank is really Heisenberg?

Some serious shit has to go down in the first ep back because there is no true preview to it. Just close-ups of characters' faces all pissed off.

CS: I've read that the first episode doesn't disappoint.

SE: Is that from the same source that told us that Walt was going to choke out Skyler last episode?

CS: I never heard that rumor actually

SE: Someone apparently knows what happens because: 

CS: I don't even want to click on that. I can see the BB people leaking fake scripts to throw people off.

SE: Let's face it: this show is great, and we really have no clue where it is going other than Walt is going to blow some shit up.

CS: Walt wakes up, it’s all been a dream, and the last eight episodes or so is just him playing online bridge drinking tea.

SE: His calculator watch beeps. Checks the microwave. And a nice TV dinner is ready.

CS: But the real mind-bender will be that Crippy McFlynn isn't actually a Crippy.

SE: Jesus fucking Christ, the guy is that way in real life. Burn in hell Craig!

CS: We find out the producers took a night stick to his legs to convince the audience.

SE: Well folks, I think we have completely done nothing any justice today. What we do best!

Anything else to say?

CS: Listen to my podcast #bflerp

This is easily some of our worst work

SE: Now that is something you can bet your ass on.

Follow Craig on Twitter @anaveragegatsby
And Stan @cuntfacedzombie

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