Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Nine

The Breaking Badocalypse is finally upon us. The opening episode of Season Five Point Deuce brings us a flash-forward to a decrepit future White residence, Jesse deciding to become charitable, and the best scene to happen in a garage since Rose McGowan got hung up in Scream.

Stan Earnest: Shomer Shabbos, bitches!

Craig Scholes: So of all the scenarios I had going through my head on how this would pick back up, an homage to Tom Petty's “Free Fallin’” music video is not how I saw it going down.

Twitter has just dialed Skynet, send in the drones.

SE: Thank God it's devoid of Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp is unfathomable. Best fucking ever in Fear and Loathing; sucks in everything else.

CS: Wait, Johnny Depp?

SE: Yeah, isn't he in the “Free Fallin’” video? No wait, that was something else.

CS: You're thinking of Pirates of the Caribbean.

SE: Pirates of the Crystal Ship.

CS: As long as it’s got a quirky character, Johnny Depp IS IN!

SE: Why are Skinny Pete and Badger talking about Star Trek? Shouldn't it be like Squidbillies or something?

CS: Squidbillies returns tonight too!

SE: This show has totally jumped the shark: Crippy McFlynn is eating supper.

CS: Also, it sure didn't take Holly very long to become a better walker than Flynn.

SE: I love Walt "oh shit" moments. This episode is going exactly like I thought it would.

CS: Hey, they even got the homeless guy with the golden voice that is now doing mac and cheese commercials. Man this show has EVERYTHING! But, why wasn't Jesse yelling "CHARITY BITCHES!" when he was tossing fat stacks out his car window?

SE: I didn't think anybody could blow cash faster than Michael Jordan at a craps table.

The 21st item when Googling "Charity Bitches"

CS: Perhaps Jesse could just buy the Bobcats. Couldn't possibly be worse.

And now Hank knows that Walt knows that Hank knows. And now Walt knows that Hank knows that Walt knows that Hank knows.

SE: I don't get all the critical acclaim for this episode. It was a fantastic Breaking Bad, but it is just the beginning of all hell breaking loose.

CS: The last 5 minutes were fucking great though.

SE: I've never seen someone portray a panic attack quite as well as Dean Norris.

CS: I really thought Hank was gonna spontaneously combust during his panic attack car wreck thing.

SE: And for the record Lady Banjo Eyes is no match for super cunt Skyler.

CS: Lady Banjo Eyes is the least intimidating crime boss of all time.

SE: I think that title will be taken over by Flynn in a few months.

CS: I can't wait to see the scene of Flynn trying to shoot someone while holding both crutches.

SE: There was a great eureka moment on The Nerdist podcast where Chris Hardwick thought that Walt isn't necessarily concerned with "breaking bad" per se, but that--in everything he does--he just strives for significance. I think this is why so many people root for Walt, myself included. We all have an undying need for significance, and being drubbed by alpha males one's entire life is enough to make anyone burn down the State of New Mexico.

CS: That and his testicles have grown as many sizes since he started taking chemo as the Grinch's heart grow at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

SE: The great scenario this show has set up is that Walt is getting cocky because he thinks he is out and there isn't evidence on him, but he isn't out.

CS: Kind of a lose/lose scenario for Walt.

SE: Oh shit, the ghost of Gale Boetticher just showed up on Low Winter Sun. Looks liked I'm hooked now.

The flash-forward works again! Walt sees Heisenberg pasted on his house and part of him says, "You're goddamned right!" But then he has to think about the decay of everything else around him because of it.

CS: Hello Carol.

SE: That was intriguing, I wonder if she wasn't supposed to see him to alert the DEA, so we can set up the inevitable Scarface ending, a 3-way between the bad guys, the good guys, and the baddest guy.

CS: Carol was pulling the strings the whole time, she was just surprised he wasn't dead.

SE: We all know in real life Walt would have gotten all petty with Hank, "No one feeds my son shots of tequila by the pool but ME, MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

CS: SAY MY NAME!

SE: "And for the record Hank, you convinced me to cook meth. Remember that little drug bust we went on back in the day?"

CS: Yeah, I can't wait to see how this spirals out.

SE: What is your prediction going forward? I'm just trying to picture a scenario where everyone knows Walt is Heisenberg, but they can't find him.

CS: I think eventually Walt just disappears, then comes back with his heavy artillery.

SE: The next episode will be really telling as far as how fast this thing moves. I'm just going to say flat out that Jesse is going to spill the beans. And when Jesse spills the beans, Walt tells him everything. Everything: Brock, Jane, the ricin cigarette. 

CS: I didn't think it before, but now there is no way that Jesse doesn't die.

SE: I'd still say he is doing well after originally being killed in the first season's initial script.

CS: And it’s probably gonna be at the hands of Skinny Pete, when Jesse tells him that his "Star Track" script sucks.

SE:  Let's take odds for next week: Hank talks with Jesse (2/1), Lady Banjo Eyes threatens Skyler (1/2), Badger creates a homeless shelter using Jesse's money (8/1). This show has some real balls just saying to the viewer, "Look this shit is gonna unravel at epic levels, let's just give you a glimpse. Told you, but you have no clue how."

CS: Holly beats Flynn in a foot race (4/1), Hanks first batch of homebrew is shit (8/1), Food is eaten at a table (1/10), Lady Banjo Eyes burns down the car wash (20/1).

Yeah, I'll be honest I didn't love this episode, it was really slow, but it was probably necessary to set up the epic balls-to-the-wallness that is about to go down.

SE: Remember that it has taken about three episodes in the past for a season to really kick into high gear. It's a motherfucking chess game.

CS: They can't wait three episodes with only seven left.

SE: So who dies first? I'm going with a curve ball: Gomez.

CS: I wouldn't be shocked if Jesse commits suicide.

SE: Dear Vince Gilligan, if Bill Burr doesn't make one final appearance I will never forgive you.

CS: Bill Burr has really been the most unsung character on the show. We never pitched an M. Night Shyamalan ending.

SE: If it was an M. Night production the first episode would be the best, and it would just get worse and worse. For the most part, it has been the opposite of that.

CS: Yeah, and it would just turn out that the trees are running the meth business.

SE: Not gonna lie, zombie Mike Ehrmantraut would be bad ass.

CS: I can't wait for a Network of the Stars cross promotional campaign.

SE: Alright, time to flip this bitch up quick for anyone in dire rehashing need, tell the folks why they should listen to the Eureka podast Craig.

CS: You should listen to the Eureka Podcast, because just like these recaps, it’s me trying to derail a conversation about things. And like Breaking Bad, there is a lot of talk about drugs.

SE: Sold!

Follow Craig @anaveragegatsby and Stan @StanEarnest