Sunday, February 23, 2014

True Detective Season One, Episode Six "Haunted Houses"

This week's installment of True Detective brings us a showdown between Marty and Cohle. Marty slips into some more infidelity. Cohle slips into Marty's wife. Epic blood bath thus ensues in the police department parking lot.

Hey Marty, this is how many inches I gave your wife.
Stan Earnest: Talk about the massive heartbreak episode. Why didn't they run this on Valentine's weekend?

Craig Scholes: Valentine’s Weekend is going to be my sappy love song parody band of Vampire Weekend.

SE: That clashes more than HBO following True Detective with Girls.


SE: Girls: naked, boring Seinfeld.

CS: I’m totally on board, except the boring part. Anyway, shit got real this episode.

SE: How bad was Woody in the sack at home that a five second blast from Cohle from behind was the best she has had in years?

CS: How dare you, McConaughey easily gave her a good 20-second rogering.

SE: Nothing says sexy like some of the ole in-out, in-out amidst crime scene photos of rape/murder victims.

CS: Really sets the mood. I’ve clearly found out what I've been doing wrong all these years.

SE: I knew this episode was going to get steamy when basically every warning HBO has flashed before the opening credits.

CS: Started a bit slow though. When Woody whipped those two youts' asses, I pictured a scene in Coneheads. I hope when one of those guys goes to pick up Wood's daughter for a date they say the line, "I hope you didn't hurt your hand fucking up my face."

SE: Marty's character may be the most flawed mess of a man since George Costanza. Beats a couple kids up, pukes, fucks the girl prostitute he tried to save years ago, and sits around in his undies eating noodles in front of his family. I hope Larry David is doing a golf clap somewhere.

CS: And he's kind of an idiot.

SE: HOW DARE YOU! George Costanza was not an idiot. I would go with genius savant.

CS: No, I mean Woody's character is kind of an idiot.

SE: But even by association that makes Woody a genius.

CS: Except, he's an idiot.

SE: An idiot genius.

CS: I don't think you know what the word genius means.

SE: I'm putting the number of times our editor and captain of this mess, OMD, rolls his eyes/shakes his head during the last five sentences at ten, and I'm taking the over.

CS: Was it you or I that predicted that Woody's ol' lady was going to participate in acts of blanket hornpipe with McConaughey?

Complete with Woody Harrelson chin.
SE: Props to both of us. We both nailed that one, literally.

CS: It was pretty cold-blooded how Mrs. Harrelson broke the news to him though.

SE: He totally had that coming, but that was rather abrupt. She didn't just throw Cohle under the bus; she also drove it over him.

CS: By far my favorite part of the episode was the Wrath of Khan like "COHLE!"

SE: Marty tackled Cohle like he was Lawrence Taylor trying to end Joe Theismann’s career.

CS: And when Woody said "I'll follow you," I immediately thought that he was going to pull him over for never fixing that broken taillight.

So give me your best #TrueDetectiveSeason2

SE: I feel this is like when we are making Super Bowl odds for the next season immediately after the season is over. I don't really know how this all plays out yet, but I would stand to reason that another comedian-esque actor could play the Woody role, like Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, or Bill Murray, and a well-known, passionate actor could play the McConaughey role, like say Daniel Day Lewis or Michael Shannon. Although, I wouldn't mind seeing Michael Douglas and Matt Damon reprise their exact roles from Behind the Candelabra for #TrueDetectiveSeason2

CS: Isn't Boardwalk Empire ending? Which means Michael Shannon is definitely in play, Buscemi too. HBO has a tendency to recycle their guys. Which is why the police major actor played the exact role he played in Entourage. And if I get an Adrian Grenier #TrueDetectiveSeason2 I’m gonna be pissed.

SE: So who do you think the Yellow King is?

Jason Alexander has Woody's rug man's number.
CS: I’m sticking with Jackie Chan.

SE: My guess of the tent revival reverend fell flat. This show definitely has this eerie tone, like they are going to catch the killers with Woody's daughter like you called it. It is probably going to get extremely intense. It reminds of this movie I took a gamble on Netflix watching called The Kill List. Starts slow and boring with family stuff, explodes into crazy cult shit in the woods, and then ends with a gut punch, making me sick to my stomach.

CS: I've exhausted everything I had.

SE: Say something funny.

CS: I’m disappointed we didn't touch on Segways or anal sex.

SE: Well it looks like we just did.


Follow Craig @anaveragegatsby and Stan @StanEarnest

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