Sunday, September 15, 2013

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Fourteen "Ozymandias"

In this episode, Hank takes a trip to Belize with his partner Gomez leading people to believe he had a secret gay relationship, Walt and his family take to the road to start a traveling family band, and Todd and Jesse open a 50's-themed diner together.

Craig Scholes: Alright sirs (and the female version of sirs), Stan has decided to have fun this weekend, and it has compromised our Breaking Bad format a tad.  So Yours Truly will be helming this word salad of a breakdown. I feel bad for anyone who actually reads this.

Stan Earnest: Just letting you know I'll be watching this naked. Flashback!

CS: MOAR TIGHTY WALTER WHITES! Well that flashback seemed relatively pointless.

SE: Unless Holly bites the dust.

Knocking as we speak.
CS: Holly is the one who knocks.

SE: Literally. Knock knock knocking on labia's door.


SE: This is just fucking madness.

CS: First, the Uncles of Anarchy come to Walt's rescue; then they go against his wishes; and finally they take his money.

SE: I love that Hank told him how stupid he is.

CS: I'm speechless. HOLY SHIT! HO. LEE. SHIT!

SE: Shouldn't our column just be like random sentences of nonsensical thought after that?

[OMD: As the one doing the final editing on this, no.]

CS: That was insane.

[OMD: One assumes that they're talking about Hank getting offed, but as you'll see this is much more of a live-blogging (without actually live-blogging) than a typical Breaking Down entry. Your guess, dear reader, is as good as mine.]

SE: The way he told Jesse about Jane was chillingly believable to the point where Jesse knows it is unequivocally true.  Did you know it takes them like a month to "break" one episode? Piece it together where it makes sense.

CS: Don't care. I can't wait to see how Walt lies about what happened. Jesus, Marie likes to stick her nose intp shit.

SE: Is Jesse Pinkman the most tortured soul in the history of everything?

CS: I can't think of a character who has been put through more hell.

SE: No wonder they have been setting Todd up as a sadistic fuck

CS: That photo of the only two people Jesse cares about is just cruel.

SE: I feel like I need to bathe myself in holy water.

CS: The write-up of this is gonna be all over the place and incoherent.

[OMD: Yes, yes it is.]

SE: It's on you, bro. Just kind of joke around about what happened, and make fun of the fact that no coherency can be made of the episode. So Todd stopped them from killing Jesse not at all to find out what he knows. The diabolical bastard.

Crucifictorious rides again 
CS: Landry don't give a fuck. I hate Flynn so much.

[OMD: But I do. I love Landry so much. The empire is yours, you magnificent bastard. Run with it. The world is your goddamn oyster.]

SE: How much money did you think AMC had to pay to use shit about a thousand times?

CS: You can say "bullshit," you can say "holy shit," but you can't say "don't step in that pile of shit." The only thing that would have made the dueling White scene any better is if after Walt's hand got sliced he recoiled and sprayed blood all over Holly's face.

SE: Tonight on Breaking Bad: The Earth splits in two.

CS: Well my Walter White fakes his own death theory got blown to shit, and that explains why they had the naming Holly flashback.

SE: The machine gun is clearly to gun down Flynn for ratting him out.

CS: God I hope so. Text I just got from a buddy: "Babies would just cramp my style in Belize."

SE: It's so awesomely batshit crazy for Walt to take the baby, and that truck hauls ass. What a fantastic buy.

CS: With the classic street drag rims too! Whelp, the producers have guaranteed that no one will be rooting for Walt. He's crossed the point of no return.

SE: No way. I'm rooting for Walt, lock, stock and smoking barrel. I hope he flattens the ABQ.

CS: Walt hauling that barrel around everywhere is kinda hilarious.

SE: That was the most intense episode of television ever.

CS: That was the fastest hour ever.

SE: It's amazing that Breaking Bad still finds the quirkiness.

CS: I guarantee we get at least one more Tighty Walter Whities scene.

SE: So the hour delay on the Seahawks/49ers game was so the crowd could watch Breaking Bad right?

CS: Sounds about right.

SE: What in the hell do you think Walt meant by "I still have things to do?"

CS: He's gonna get back his fucking paper!

SE: My guess is that Walt doesn't know Jesse is there when he blows away the Nazis, and the end is the epic showdown between Walt and Jesse.

CS: Jesse kills Walt, no way Walt walks away now.

SE: Walt kills Jesse.

CS: Skyler kills Walt.

SE: That would be my ideal scenario. Walt survives. That episode might be the best episode of anything ever. Who's the ricin for?

CS: Himself.

SE: Why would he ever take the ricin himself?

CS: So he doesn't have to be tortured.

SE: A gunshot to the head does the same thing. Walt would never spend energy to do something that could be done simpler. In your scenario you would be saying he blows the shit out of the Nazis. Then takes the ricin and divulges his entire story to the DEA or someone?

CS: I haven't got that far with my theory, but the snubnose gets taken from him. So anything else you wanna add before I try and edit this monstrosity?

SE: This could have totally ended up being an extra season long where Walt rises to kingpin of New Jersey somehow then comes back.

CS: Walt selling meth to guidos on the Jersey shore has tremendous potential.

SE: The craziest thing Walt did all episode was think that he could take his family on the road and that they wouldn't be caught.

CS: That would have been an entertaining traveling family band. Besides Flynn would have just fucked it all up.

SE: Kind of hard to hide Crippy McCrippenstein and baby Holly. I wonder if Skyler took her running technique from watching Shelly Duvall run from jack in the shining.

CS: Easily could have gotten a "Heeeeeeeere's Walter" as Heisenberg axes his way through a door.

SE: Skyler was also swinging that knife like Shelly Duvall was swinging that bat in the shining.

CS: I got nothing to add, who are we gonna wrap this up?

SE: With you saying "It's the Shinning"

CS: Jesus, this is gonna be my Vietnam.

SE: By the way, it's so much fun derailing this thing when you know you don't have to fix it, and I think of it as more of a Jesse chained to a meth lab scenario. Remember, the pain fades but the glory remains.

[OMD: Well that makes one of us.]

CS: I really feel like Im not doing this episode its justice, but editing a podcast while watching, and us really butchering talking about this episode.

SE: One last thing. I believe Walt might have been overly dramatic to keep Skyler from getting implicated knowing the police were listening.

CS: See, I was preoccupied a bit. I didn't even see Sting or Stuart Copeland in that scene.

[OMD: And once again I have to mention that this episode was directed by none other than Rian Johnson. Sure, it took until after the second commercial break to get to the credits, but Rian Johnson did direct. One has to wonder if he was responsible for the Walt rolling the barrel of money through the desert, which sure seemed like an homage to the opening of The Big Lebowski. Guys, guys, guys...]

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