Well folks, Craig and I haven’t littered the interwebs with any pop culture psychobabble in a while, so we are making an epic return, discussing some of our favorite TV shows as if they underwent the impending zombie apocalypse. After all, The Walking Dead is hell-bent on shoving ghost Lorie down our throats, so we thought instead of ripping on the flaws of The Walking Dead we would create hypothetical zombie apocalypses of our own.
Craig Scholes: UGGGHHH!!!! Why did you even have to mention Lorie? Nobody even liked that bitch when she was alive; but, yeah, I’m kind of jealous I didn't have this idea to use on my podcast. CROSS PROMOTION! If only we knew famous comedians to plug our work, then we could have a David Cross Promotion.
Stan Earnest: Yes folks, Craig has a podcast. If you want to hear about condors meeting their demise in the grates of Chevy Blazers or vehicles missing their steering wheels in Taco Bell parking lots and the such, have a listen.
CS: Hey, we also talk about dirty toilets... but anyway. To continue with our "theme" as you astutely pointed out to me via text message: a Breaking Bad Zombie Apocalypse has some amazing potential for epic badassery. Hold up, let me get the door…
I ordered Chinese for supper. They told me it would take 45 minutes, and it was here in less than seven.
SE: Them Chinese work hard...or should I say wok hard? We are going to be taking bad puns to a whole new level this time around.
CS: Wok Hard: The Ming Cox Story
SE: So should we inform our audience where we have been at lately?
CS: Sure, I've been on an expedition in lower Estonia hunting Chupacabras.
SE: Ok, well then, I can’t beat that. I’ve just been trying to feed my family.
Since y’all know us as the Breaking Bad guys we better touch on that show first. We do know that Walt and Jesse have plenty of gas masks, so they could survive any airborne zombie virus, although I'm not quite certain how The Walking Dead virus works. You can basically fuck a zombie without contracting anything, but if one scratches you, you're dead.
SE: Oh man, Skyler would totally turn to the blue. She wouldn't be able to handle it. Speaking of which... Walt and Jesse would have a whole new clientele. Zombies are typically slow; imagine the damage they could do on meth.
CS: Would this transform, say Walking Dead "walkers”, into superfast running Zombies, say like Rage-induced-28-Days-Later mode?
SE: Flynn would have a hell of a time outrunning those monsters. So is he the first to go?
CS: Cripple McDipshit doesn't stand a chance, but he is the obvious answer. It would probably be someone like Beneke.
SE: Oh, holy shit. Zombie-Robocop-Max-Headroom Benecke. YES!
CS: If Breaking Bad follows The Walking Dead model, they take the two most annoying women and make them last seemingly forever. Is Skyler the Lorie character, or the Andrea character?
SE: Hmmm, she is kind of a mix of the both of them.
CS: Right. Heck she is even a little bit of Crazy Rick.
SE: Walt is most definitely Shane, in that he would understand the situation and immediately celebrate Darwinian science.
CS: I'd say he is a cross between Rick and Shane; or: Walt is Rick, and Heisenberg is Shane.
SE: I would love to see Saul in the zombie apocalypse. He would be hiding out in his lair, freaked to the max, and be forced to sleep with his clerks.
CS: Or Saul could wind up being very crafty in that type of situation. He is pretty sketchy at taking advantage of shitty situations
Clearly Gustavo would be the Governor right?
SE: Stole the words right from my zombiefied brain. Problem is that the Governor is so careless. Gus was the antipathy of carelessness. One thing is for sure, Gus is already ready for the apocalypse. He doesn't even need any more makeup.
CS: How would Gale go about making his sweet coffee of the gods in the Zombie apocalypse?
SE: Oh man, he would have a team of zombies brewing it for him. Just like Bernard or whatever the name of that dumbfuck scientist the Governor employs is.
CS: Oh man, Tuco Salamanca... Merle! Zero common sense, kind of a bad ass, and has a hair trigger.
SE: Ok, well, my top 5 final survivors would be: Walt (he would probably offer the baby up for zombie feed before he got got), Jesse (just because we would want never ending "Yeah, bitches!"), Saul (crafty), Hank, and my one wildcard pick: Marie. Marie would be at peace with all the looting she could accomplish.
CS: Seems solid, what if we applied the Zombie Apocalypse to other shows... say Arrested Development. Could you imagine GOB trying to outrun zombies on his Segway all whilst having lighter fluid shooting out his sleeves on the way to the Aztec Tomb?
SE: He could hide for years in the Aztec Tomb. Talk about cross promotion: the Aztek! The Pontiac Aztek already is a zombie though.
CS: How long could Lucile survive in her penthouse with nothing but Vodka?
SE: A long time, that cunt is pickled, and I see the dumb brother surviving out of pure luck.
CS: Well Buster IS A MONSTER, with his hooked hand. We also would get to see Buster making good use of his Cartography skills deciphering maps and ultimately getting them in worse situations.
SE: Zombie The Fonz would be classic.
CS: You know even after becoming Zombiefied he'd still have a greased pompadour. We'd also get to see the classic scene where Zombie Fonz gets hit with a baseball bat, and he falls into a jukebox and it comes on.
SE: What about Seinfeld? Jerry would last forever on his cereal stash. And zombie Kramer would be a riot.
CS: What’s the deal with all these walkers? I mean it’s like they aren't even human!
You know Costanza would become a Zombie in the first 5 minutes of the first episode, probably from licking an envelope.
SE: I don't know, I think he would be crafty like a cockroach and survive, if only to annoy the rest of the survivors. Although they could have a recurring theme where he starts out unzombiefied every episode and then turns at some point in each one.
CS: Costanza would be the guy to get infected in the first episode, but it takes him 7 seasons to fully turn and you get to hear about him bitch about how awful it is the entire time.
SE: Full disclosure: George Costanza is on my Mount Rushmore of favorite TV characters.
CS: It doesn't really matter who is on your Rushmore of TV Characters because Ron Swanson would be the guy to carve it.
SE: Walter White, George Costanza, Al Swearengen, and Omar, carved by Swanson. I have a thing for insufferable bastards.
The Wire? We shouldn't even discuss that one; they are all survivors on that show. What about Mad Men? They would have very few tokens to kill off; a main character would die weekly.
CS: All I know about Zombie Wire, is that Omar wouldn't die... ever.
Mad Men, I think they are all pretty soft in reality. Roger Sterling and Don Draper are the only two with any stones at all in that show. The rest of them are just a bunch of office yuppies. Pete wouldn't last a day. Lane would have bare knuckle brawled his way through some shit though.
SE: Betsy is clearly the Lorie character and would last about 50 episodes too long.
SE: Evil, droopy, zombie side boob.
CS: Seems like we would at least have to mention Zombie Full House.
SE: Cut. It. Out.
CS: Zombie John Stamos would still be a solid 8 on the man pretty scale
SE: If there is TV in the zombie apocalypse, it would be nothing but Full House reruns. I mean it is about all you need: family oriented with a little spank material and you can always bag on Bob Saget.
CS: Can you imagine how much nasty saggy titty they would show on The Walking Dead if it were on HBO? It would be a thousand times worse than all the dudity and awkward boob shots that they show in Game of Thrones.
SE: You just gave me a horrifying thought: Zombie Girls.
SE: At least they could sew Ned Stark's head back on, and he could remain in rule.
I would pay pay-per-view money to see Ned Stark behead that guitarist from the band fun. that the girl from Girls is dating or whatever.
CS: The band fun. makes me want to kick puppies...shelter houses full of puppies. There actually would probably be less killing in Game of Thrones if it were a zombie show.
SE: It drives me crazy that there are no animals on The Walking Dead. I want a fucking zombie squirrel goddamnit.
CS: ZOMBIE DRAGONS! Also I can't believe The Walking Dead hasn't snuck any Cranberries into the soundtrack.
Could you imagine Zombie Office? At least then we would have Andy Bernard singing some Cranberries.
SE: I think we are missing possibly the greatest crossover show ever: Zombie MacGyver!
CS: Wouldn't MacGyver be able to solve the Zombie Apocalypse problem with some toe nail clippers, a wet napkin and an empty tube of toothpaste?
SE: I'm thinking he would become the all-time zombie death total leader.
CS: But it still wouldn't be as epic as Woody from Cheers crossing paths with Woody from Zombieland.
SE: They can cure themselves from zombiefication by pickling their bodies with expired Hostess products and Old Style.
CS: If you care to check out my podcast you can do so here