Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Six Word Movie Reviews

No one has time these days for anything. Craig and I understand. Haven't been caught up on the best movies over the last few years? No need to worry, here are some six-word movie reviews to help you decide which ones you really need to see.

The Departed: everyone fucking dies in the end

Brokeback Mountain: butt fucking on a mountain side

Skyfall: eventually Bond drives an Aston Martin

Lincoln: you fucking already know the plot

The Big Lebowski: rug really did tie room together

Titanic: secretly, one great dark comedy flick

Debbie Does Dallas: disappointing, she only screws a few

There Will Be Blood: eventually, there will be some blood

Shawshank Redemption: Ole Andy’s keester gets it good

Forrest Gump: stupid mother fucker defies Darwinian science

Silence of the Lambs: better put lotion in the basket

Memento: he can’t remember a fucking thing

Citizen Kane: Rosebud is just a fucking sled

Reservoir Dogs: Steelers Wheel stuck in head forever

The Neverending Story: this movie is not actually neverending

Heat: baddest ass gun battle scene ever

Django Unchained: lots and lots of N bombs

Gran Torino: get off his mother fucking lawn

Fargo: epic use of a wood chipper

The Deer Hunter: you can’t win Russian roulette forever

Sin City: just read a comic book, dorks

Toy Story 3: I dare you not to cry

Sixth Sense: he is fucking dead you idiots

Trainspotting: heroin makes you shit the bed

The Wizard of Oz: flying monkeys are scary as shit

Apollo 13: duct tape to the fucking rescue

SLC Punk: dude’s got a four foot mohawk

Kill Bill Vol. 1: Bill doesn’t die in this one

Kill Bill Vol. 2: Bill eventually dies at the end

Good Will Hunting: stupid mother fucker missed Game 6

Into the Wild: stupid hippie tries to outsmart Alaska

Hangover 2: Did you see the first Hangover?

The Zookeeper: don’t even waste your fucking time

Here Comes the Boom: more like here comes the snooze

Beauty & the Beast: Understanding Psychology Vol. 1: Stockholm Syndrome

Rain Man: wish my brother could count cards

Showgirls: not even worth the gratuitous nudity

About Schmidt: Kathy Bates is one sexy mama

Life of Pi: tiger in a fucking boat yo!

Inception: dream within dream within another dream

127 Hours: Discovering Health Science Vol. 3: Amputation

Lost in Translation: Bill Murray can’t not be funny

A Life Aquatic: there are lots of red caps

He’s Just Not Into You: he’s just not fucking into you

JFK: what really took place…on acid

A Few Good Men: you need him on that wall

The Hobbit: could have been an hour long

The Cider House Rules: quaint little flick about baby killers

Scream: there is more than one killer

Donnie Darko: the movie doesn’t answer any questions

Flight of the Navigator: The. Best. God. Damned. Movie. Ever.

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