True Detective: Season One, Episode Two "Seeing Things"

The second installment of True Detective continues to be character-driven. McConaughey trips. Woody cheats. Epic dialogue is exchanged in between.

"Hey Woody, wanna see my secret garden?"

Stan Earnest: Once again I'm going to start with the opening credits. They are mesmerizing.  

Craig Scholes: I actually haven't seen the opening credits yet.  

SE: Can somebody call Craig and tell him we are reviewing a show here?  

CS: Both weeks I started late, and tried to get live by skipping the opening credits. Of course this week I've spent the last 50 minutes trying to get something out of my teeth to no avail.

SE: I've heard gargling with horse semen works well. Get your shit together Craig. Go back on the DVR and watch the opening credits for two minutes. The only other opening credits I liked this much were from Boardwalk Empire. Dexter's were great until about the 3rd season when they decided they were never changing them. At all.  

CS: The Game of Thrones opening credits are amazing. I also hated The Wire's opening credits, but I think I’m the only one.  

SE: Correct and correct. The Game of Thrones opener is top five and probably top three. I hated The Wire's too. Even though it was a Tom Waits song, it didn't vibe with me.  

CS: So other than seeing epic bare sweater meat, what happened this episode? Alexandra Daddario can put me in handcuffs any time.

SE: So that's the real name of Bumbletits McGee? I was going to ask you the same question. Nothing happened, but it works, all character- and dialogue-driven. What happened was that we find out that these two detectives don't realize it, but they have the same fucked-out viewpoint of life. That and some realistic tripping by McConaughey, and hallucinations being realistic is just weird.

CS: Yes, that is her name. I have randomly seen her in a bunch of stuff, and always took a liking to her. And I just watched the opening; it’s good, but it’s not as good as you made it out to be.

Wooderson appears to be a sneaky badass.  

SE: I really don't think we can call McConaughey Wooderson with Woody as his partner.

I want to be a detective because I realized this episode that you could really not do shit but drink and whore around for days and get paid for it.  

CS: I agree, but I had to call him Wooderson at least once. I could actually see this as his career path after getting those Aerosmith tickets though; they were top priority of the summer. Also, I think if you are good enough at your job you could do nothing but drink and whore around for days.

SE: After the SAG awards speech, I think McConaughey plays himself on this show. The dude is in outer space. He's the perfect car salesman: you know the dude is nuts, but he sprinkles in the stark truth once in a while, and it fools you.

CS: HOW DARE YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO PLAYS THE BONGOS NAKED NUTS!  

SE: I have a friend that I like to hang out with just because he's dangerous--throws hatchets and shit. I feel like I could lose a limb at any point in time. I've seen this dude jump off of a roof to scare people, break a deer neck to mercy kill it after hitting it with a car, and shoot a Mack 10 into the air in the middle of the woods. His favorite movie is Red Dawn, which is scary enough by its lonesome.  

CS: But does this friend play the bongos naked?

SE: I've seen him fire dance to Sublime with an Indian headdress on. Does that count?  

CS: That’s pretty darn close.  

SE: I've also seen him scream at the cops, "NAZIS, NAZIS, NAZIS!" and not get arrested. Did I mention this guy was a school teacher? It takes all walks of life.  

CS: Well that’s because unlike Germany, it isn't illegal to scream Nazi.  

SE: One of the funniest texts I've ever gotten from you was about how you called someone a Soup Nazi in Germany to the sound of crickets and the looks of Ralphie's mom in A Christmas Story when he dropped the F bomb or whatever he said that's bleeped on TV.  

CS: Yeah, that was a moment of blatant obliviousness to my surroundings. I have those occasionally. Except, what made it worse was that I didn't actually call them a Nazi, I just used the word in a manner like the Soup Nazi. The explaining of the Seinfeld episode didn't help matters at all.

 SE: Woody had one of these moments in the show: "Even your mom thinks you're a ballbuster." Marital Fighting 101: tell your spouse false things about how their parents feel about them. Woody is playing dirty.  

Mac with his hashish filled bongo drum.

CS: Woody seems like a loose cannon.

SE: What odds do you give it that McConaughey is going to be boning his wife soon?  

CS: Oh man, I had that thought too. If she finds out that Woody cheated on her with epic sweater meat girl, then I say the odds are very good. But if not, I don't think she does. Though I do think she does find out, so I’m only going 5:1 odds.  

SE: I'm putting money on the Mac.

CS: Why would someone graffiti Dobby from Harry Potter on a burnt down church wall?  

SE: So your theory is that the killer is a J.K. Rowling fan? Makes sense, I've never seen any reason to kill somebody or read Harry Potter books.  

CS: I’m sure I could do a 6 degrees from Wooderson to Daniel Radcliffe, but I'm not going to.

SE: Well, going forward, I'm still sold on the show. I like this episode as well as the last. I don't care if nothing happens as long as Mac and Woody fall deeper and deeper into Louisiana sin.  

CS: Fin.

Listen to Craig at Eureka Podcast and follow @anaveragegatsby
Follow Stan @StanEarnest

Your Favorite TV Shows: Zombie Edition

Well folks, Craig and I haven’t littered the interwebs with any pop culture psychobabble in a while, so we are making an epic return, discussing some of our favorite TV shows as if they underwent the impending zombie apocalypse. After all, The Walking Dead is hell-bent on shoving ghost Lorie down our throats, so we thought instead of ripping on the flaws of The Walking Dead we would create hypothetical zombie apocalypses of our own.

Craig Scholes: UGGGHHH!!!! Why did you even have to mention Lorie? Nobody even liked that bitch when she was alive; but, yeah, I’m kind of jealous I didn't have this idea to use on my podcast. CROSS PROMOTION! If only we knew famous comedians to plug our work, then we could have a David Cross Promotion.

Stan Earnest: Yes folks, Craig has a podcast. If you want to hear about condors meeting their demise in the grates of Chevy Blazers or vehicles missing their steering wheels in Taco Bell parking lots and the such, have a listen.

CS: Hey, we also talk about dirty toilets... but anyway. To continue with our "theme" as you astutely pointed out to me via text message: a Breaking Bad Zombie Apocalypse has some amazing potential for epic badassery. Hold up, let me get the door… I ordered Chinese for supper. They told me it would take 45 minutes, and it was here in less than seven.

SE: Them Chinese work hard...or should I say wok hard? We are going to be taking bad puns to a whole new level this time around.

CS: Wok Hard: The Ming Cox Story

SE: So should we inform our audience where we have been at lately?

CS: Sure, I've been on an expedition in lower Estonia hunting Chupacabras.

SE: Ok, well then, I can’t beat that. I’ve just been trying to feed my family. Since y’all know us as the Breaking Bad guys we better touch on that show first. We do know that Walt and Jesse have plenty of gas masks, so they could survive any airborne zombie virus, although I'm not quite certain how The Walking Dead virus works. You can basically fuck a zombie without contracting anything, but if one scratches you, you're dead.

CS: Right, can you imagine Walt and Jesse navigating a post-apocalyptic world in the Crystal Ship?

SE: Oh man, Skyler would totally turn to the blue. She wouldn't be able to handle it. Speaking of which... Walt and Jesse would have a whole new clientele. Zombies are typically slow; imagine the damage they could do on meth.

CS: Would this transform, say Walking Dead "walkers”, into superfast running Zombies, say like Rage-induced-28-Days-Later mode?

SE: Flynn would have a hell of a time outrunning those monsters. So is he the first to go?

CS: Cripple McDipshit doesn't stand a chance, but he is the obvious answer. It would probably be someone like Beneke.

SE: Oh, holy shit. Zombie-Robocop-Max-Headroom Benecke. YES!

CS: If Breaking Bad follows The Walking Dead model, they take the two most annoying women and make them last seemingly forever. Is Skyler the Lorie character, or the Andrea character?

SE: Hmmm, she is kind of a mix of the both of them.

CS: Right. Heck she is even a little bit of Crazy Rick.

SE: Walt is most definitely Shane, in that he would understand the situation and immediately celebrate Darwinian science.

CS: I'd say he is a cross between Rick and Shane; or: Walt is Rick, and Heisenberg is Shane.

SE: I would love to see Saul in the zombie apocalypse. He would be hiding out in his lair, freaked to the max, and be forced to sleep with his clerks.

CS: Or Saul could wind up being very crafty in that type of situation. He is pretty sketchy at taking advantage of shitty situations Clearly Gustavo would be the Governor right?

SE: Stole the words right from my zombiefied brain. Problem is that the Governor is so careless. Gus was the antipathy of carelessness. One thing is for sure, Gus is already ready for the apocalypse. He doesn't even need any more makeup.

CS: How would Gale go about making his sweet coffee of the gods in the Zombie apocalypse?

SE: Oh man, he would have a team of zombies brewing it for him. Just like Bernard or whatever the name of that dumbfuck scientist the Governor employs is.

CS: Oh man, Tuco Salamanca... Merle! Zero common sense, kind of a bad ass, and has a hair trigger.

SE: Ok, well, my top 5 final survivors would be: Walt (he would probably offer the baby up for zombie feed before he got got), Jesse (just because we would want never ending "Yeah, bitches!"), Saul (crafty), Hank, and my one wildcard pick: Marie. Marie would be at peace with all the looting she could accomplish.

CS: Seems solid, what if we applied the Zombie Apocalypse to other shows... say Arrested Development. Could you imagine GOB trying to outrun zombies on his Segway all whilst having lighter fluid shooting out his sleeves on the way to the Aztec Tomb?

SE: He could hide for years in the Aztec Tomb. Talk about cross promotion: the Aztek! The Pontiac Aztek already is a zombie though.

CS: How long could Lucile survive in her penthouse with nothing but Vodka?

SE: A long time, that cunt is pickled, and I see the dumb brother surviving out of pure luck.

CS: Well Buster IS A MONSTER, with his hooked hand. We also would get to see Buster making good use of his Cartography skills deciphering maps and ultimately getting them in worse situations.

SE: Zombie The Fonz would be classic.

CS: You know even after becoming Zombiefied he'd still have a greased pompadour. We'd also get to see the classic scene where Zombie Fonz gets hit with a baseball bat, and he falls into a jukebox and it comes on.

SE: What about Seinfeld? Jerry would last forever on his cereal stash. And zombie Kramer would be a riot.

CS: What’s the deal with all these walkers? I mean it’s like they aren't even human!

You know Costanza would become a Zombie in the first 5 minutes of the first episode, probably from licking an envelope.

SE: I don't know, I think he would be crafty like a cockroach and survive, if only to annoy the rest of the survivors. Although they could have a recurring theme where he starts out unzombiefied every episode and then turns at some point in each one.

CS: Costanza would be the guy to get infected in the first episode, but it takes him 7 seasons to fully turn and you get to hear about him bitch about how awful it is the entire time.

SE: Full disclosure: George Costanza is on my Mount Rushmore of favorite TV characters.

CS: It doesn't really matter who is on your Rushmore of TV Characters because Ron Swanson would be the guy to carve it.

SE: Walter White, George Costanza, Al Swearengen, and Omar, carved by Swanson. I have a thing for insufferable bastards. The Wire? We shouldn't even discuss that one; they are all survivors on that show. What about Mad Men? They would have very few tokens to kill off; a main character would die weekly.

CS: All I know about Zombie Wire, is that Omar wouldn't die... ever. Mad Men, I think they are all pretty soft in reality. Roger Sterling and Don Draper are the only two with any stones at all in that show. The rest of them are just a bunch of office yuppies. Pete wouldn't last a day. Lane would have bare knuckle brawled his way through some shit though.

SE: Betsy is clearly the Lorie character and would last about 50 episodes too long.

CS: Peggy is a survivor. I just hope we at some point in Mad Men Zombie spinoff still get to see epic Alexis Bledel sideboob.

SE: Evil, droopy, zombie side boob.

CS: Seems like we would at least have to mention Zombie Full House.

SE: Cut. It. Out.

CS: Zombie John Stamos would still be a solid 8 on the man pretty scale

SE: If there is TV in the zombie apocalypse, it would be nothing but Full House reruns. I mean it is about all you need: family oriented with a little spank material and you can always bag on Bob Saget.

CS: Can you imagine how much nasty saggy titty they would show on The Walking Dead if it were on HBO? It would be a thousand times worse than all the dudity and awkward boob shots that they show in Game of Thrones.

SE: You just gave me a horrifying thought: Zombie Girls.

CS: [SHUDDER]

SE: At least they could sew Ned Stark's head back on, and he could remain in rule. I would pay pay-per-view money to see Ned Stark behead that guitarist from the band fun. that the girl from Girls is dating or whatever.

CS: The band fun. makes me want to kick puppies...shelter houses full of puppies. There actually would probably be less killing in Game of Thrones if it were a zombie show.

SE: It drives me crazy that there are no animals on The Walking Dead. I want a fucking zombie squirrel goddamnit.

CS: ZOMBIE DRAGONS! Also I can't believe The Walking Dead hasn't snuck any Cranberries into the soundtrack. Could you imagine Zombie Office? At least then we would have Andy Bernard singing some Cranberries.

SE: I think we are missing possibly the greatest crossover show ever: Zombie MacGyver!

CS: Wouldn't MacGyver be able to solve the Zombie Apocalypse problem with some toe nail clippers, a wet napkin and an empty tube of toothpaste?

SE: I'm thinking he would become the all-time zombie death total leader.

CS: But it still wouldn't be as epic as Woody from Cheers crossing paths with Woody from Zombieland.

SE: They can cure themselves from zombiefication by pickling their bodies with expired Hostess products and Old Style.

PS:
CS:  If you care to check out my podcast you can do so here

Man on Film: The Dictator

Obviously, venturing away from the construct that made Brüno and Borat as successful as they were is a risky gambit for Sacha Baron Cohen, especially considering how poorly (as co-writer/star) his first foray into the realm of scripted comedy went in the form of Ali G Indahouse. While The Dictator is certainly uneven at times, it is certainly a more successful film than his first scripted flick. Some of the film's success could likely be owing to the extra creative talent that was brought in on this project. Larry Charles, director of Cohen's last two star-vehicles, uses his connections to Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld to enlist the talents of Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer, all of whose curricula vitae include writing and/or producer credits on both programs (Schaffer is also the co-creator of The League). While The Dictator is far from a tautly told story, the comedic chops of those writers--and obviously Cohen's as well--shine brightly.

Complaints of The Dictator's unevenness are certainly not without merit. Despite its brief 83-minute run time, there are plenty of plot points that hardly seem vital. There are many aspects of the story pertaining to Admiral General Hafiz Aladeen's relationship with activist and co-op manager Zoey (Anna Faris) that aren't especially effective. Obviously the element of the love interest needs to be present to give Aladeen cause to change, but it certainly isn't where the film thrives, despite the comedic talents of Mrs. Chris Pratt. If anything, the film is most successful when the wonderfully funny Jason Mantzoukas is on screen. As anyone who is familiar with his work is fully aware, Mantzoukas is a comic genius, and his presence as the sensible foil to Aladeen's pervasive idiocy is a large part of what makes the film work. Obviously, Sacha Baron Cohen is the star of the show, and as one would expect, he fully commits to the part of hateful ignoramus dictator, but Aladeen doesn't come off nearly as funny without Nadal. His Crocs rant alone is worth the price of admission, at least if you hate Crocs as much as I do.

More importantly, the film is quite funny. There is plenty of incisive satire to accompany the absurd and offensive (I mean this in a positive way) brand of humor on display. While the scenes at the co-op might not all work, the setting does certainly provide an environment rife with opportunities to poke fun at the over-sensitive and impractical left. Every time Aladeen crosses paths with any ethnic group, the offensive and ignorant comments that come out of his mouth are shocking and hilarious. And that is exactly what one with any familiarity with Cohen's past works should expect. The Dictator gives the viewer mostly what is expected. This is neither exceedingly good nor bad. It delivers what one would hope it would while never exactly surprising at any turn.

It is what it is, but at least The Dictator doesn't pull any punches.