Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Sixteen: "Felina"

Stan Earnest: Golf clap.

Craig Scholes: I have mixed feelings on it.  I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't love it.  I liked it; I’m not disappointed.  But I don't think it’s the best finale ever.

SE: So tell me what finale was better?

CS: Friday Night Lights.

SE: I take it Landry lives in that one? I should say kills.

CS: Yeah, but that’s not what made it great.

SE: Here is what made this great: Walt wins, and Jesse wins. Everybody wins.

CS: Walt didn't win.

SE: Walt was going to die anyhow. This way he saves Jesse and finds a way to get money to his family.

CS: I think it was a Plan B. It wasn't how he wanted to go out; it’s just the compromise he settled for.

SE: I'm pissed that Jesse doesn't have a barrel of cashola in the back of that El Camino.

CS: I hope Jesse goes "home.”

SE: Home is where the Hartwell is.

CS: I loved the fantasy of him woodworking.

SE: Ways it could have been better: 1. Bill Burr. 2. Walt crushes some blue with the butt of the M60 and snorts it pre-battle. 3. Walt actually fires the weapon. 4. Jesse leaves with money.

CS: I absolutely loved the erector set assassin kit. Lego Mindstorm will be releasing their version next fall.

Meth Damon's reconstruction of the train robbery

SE: I honestly don't see a better ending to this thing, other than the fact that Jesse could have had Andrea waiting for him.

I just realized that "Baby Blue" is in reference to the meth, first Tommy James and the Shondells and now Badfinger? How many songs about blue meth are there?

CS: Well since blue meth isn't really a thing outside of the Breaking Bad world, probably zero.

SE: If ricin really takes four days to kill, then Lydia still has time to do some damage to Walt's family right?

CS: I thought it was two days.

SE: All I know is that they had to pay Laura Fraser a Walt barrel to remove her makeup. Was that Charlize Theron from Monster?

CS: I didn't think she looked that bad. I think it was part of the character because she was so concerned with how she was perceived, and at that point she was as vulnerable as she could ever be.

SE: And watch out Dwight Schrute, the Walt barrel is giving the Schrute buck a literal run for its money.

CS: I thought it would have been hilarious if Skyler just kept blowing smoke in Walt’s face telling him to die.

SE: I was hoping Beneke would be there chilling on the sofa watching Friends.

CS: I really don't get your obsession with Beneke.

SE: He should be dead for messing around with Heisenberg's woman. But hey, another quaalude and she'll love me in the morning.

CS: I would have liked to have seen a scene where Walt is at a stop light in the Volvo and Beneke shoots by blowing into a tube to make his wheelchair cross the street.

SE: Fantastic. Damn you Gilligan, not all loose ends were tied up! I wanted to see Huell all bugged out eating a rack of ribs in Robert Forster's dungeon.

CS: I hope Bill Burr becomes a sketchy henchman for Robert Forster now.

SE: Tell me it wasn't genius to bring Badger and Skinny Pete back into action. Walt probably found them at Jesse's place still ripping on Chekhov's bongs.

CS: I think we have an opportunity for another spinoff: the Badger and Skinny Pete assassin service.

SE: Walt's plan with Gretchen and Elliot was superb. I couldn't help but to be full-on rooting for Walt at that point. All those riches can't make up for missing out on that big ass Walt cock. Take that Gretchen! Of course, she has had Elliot's ears to hang on to during cunnilingus over the years.

CS: Boy was I wrong about them getting ricin'd. Walt's pride really was his undoing.

SE: I called the Marty Robbins shit though. I put the over/under on days in a row I listen to ole Marty at 7 and I'm taking the over.

CS: If you put those odds for me and set them at half a day. Take the under.

SE: I feel like my dad and I put together the soundtrack for Breaking Bad. For every random new track, there was a splash of white-old-man-grew-up-in-the-70s twinge thrown in, fucking Boz Scaggs.

CS: But on the other hand they had that amazing song by Jose Gonzalez in the teaser for the last episode. And that Lydia ringtone was fucking creepy.

SE: Even if you just take these last eight episodes as the final season, I don't see any other final season that was better. Breaking Bad started as my own special show during Seasons One and Two, and then morphed into the best television show ever. This would be like if I was a fan of the Cleveland Browns since the 1950s and they suddenly won like ten Super Bowls in a row. Thank you Breaking Bad. It was a wild ride.

CS: Overdramatic much?

SE: But maybe I just feel this way because the most recent last season I remember is Dexter, the most blasphemous final season of a show ever. That shit made the Sopranos ending look like the final ten minutes of The Godfather: Part II.

CS: I'll get around to watching the last season of Dexter, but I’m not looking forward to it.

SE: When it comes to Breaking Bad, I just associate with a man eviscerated by his surroundings while trying to play fair.

CS: Play fair?  How did Walt ever play fair?

SE: Exactly, once he stopped playing fair a whole new world opened up for him. That fantasy world he was so good at.

CS: “I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it.”

SE: That's what I tell my wife when I play fantasy football. Very similar worlds.

CS: That's basically my excuse for procrastinating.

SE: You mean procrasturbating?

CS: I never put that off.

SE: Can we get a show about how to pull off Breaking Bad stunts hosted by Richard Dean Anderson? Maybe this is how I'll describe Breaking Bad to folks that haven't seen it: It's like MacGyver meets Scarface meets Everybody Loves Raymond.

CS: Everybody Loves Raymond?

SE: Everybody Loves Walter Hartwell White. Yeah, in the small segments of that show I've seen his wife is always busting his balls.

CS: I've never really seen it, so I'll take your word.

SE: You called it last week with Walt not being adept enough to fire the M60, so it stays true to the show’s nature that Walt would blind the Nazi's with science.

CS: I do like him putting the last bullet in Uncle Jack’s dome. So do you have any last gushings about how your life won't be the same without this show anymore?

SE: Well, I could really use the ten hours a week I have been dedicating to the Bald Move podcasts and Sepinwall columns.

CS: Now what?  Do we start writing about Zero Dark Detroit, or Low Winter Scrotum, whatever the fuck that fucking show is called.

SE: Every week the same three-word column: "This show sucks." And then we just start talking about how much we miss Breaking Bad.

CS: I'd just have to assume it still sucks, because no way I actually watch any more of it.

SE: Walter could still become a zombie that runs into post-apocalyptic Jesse. The new Walking Dead season looks like it needs a new direction.

CS: I think I’m done with that show.  I hate basically every character on that show.

SE: Yeah, that show needs a Tuco. That reign of Cadillac trunk fire reminded me of a Fourth of July when one of my narcissistic buddies unwound like 1,000 packs of Black Cats into a bucket and then smoked around them, and they all went up in a two-minute hellfire blaze.

CS: I think it would have been awesome if Walt let off the trigger before he ran out of ammo to trick someone into standing up, and then finished them off with the last few rounds.

SE: Then we wouldn't have the audience gifted Todd's murder by Jesse. That thing was wrapped with more ribbons than a Christmas Day Lexus.

CS: We still could have had that, Landry ain't bright. Are we not gonna talk about Flynn wearing Timberlands with Zubaz?

SE: Nah, let's just end on that image of Walt watching him enter that apartment and close the door behind him. That is where most lackluster shows would end it.

CS: What would have been the "Scooby-Doo" ending for Breaking Bad?

SE: I was just wondering what the Stephen-King ending would be. The Scooby-Doo ending would have Mike coming back to kick out the crutches underneath Flynn, proving him to be the real mastermind as he tries to run away.

CS: Flynn rips off his mask and turns out to be Tuco the whole time and has been maintaining an abandoned amusement park. The Stephen-King ending would have been aliens.

SE: An alien army of 1,000 Marie's on the crystal blue.

So even though guns were not ablaze for the full hour and a half, we still love this episode right? I mean, nothing touches "Ozymandias," but this was a nice solid home run while "Ozymandias" was the grand salami.

CS: Like I said, I liked the episode, didn't love it.  It was a really good last season, but not the best last episode for me.  I have no complaints with it.  I think Gilligan did the show right.

SE: You’re goddamn right.

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Fifteen: "Granite State"

"Granite State" brings us Walt's transformation from Mr. Chips into Mr. Lambert, hiding out in the backwoods of New Hampshire. Meanwhile, Jesse merrily cooks away for the Uncles of Anarchy, while they torture the ABQ with their boyish charm. A steady diet of Ensure and scotch whiskey lead Walt on his path to a healthy recovery from cancer.

The look of disgust after realizing Huell lifted the M60

Craig Scholes: Hank would still be alive, if only Marie continued to wear purple.

Shane England: Can I just adopt Robert Forster as my uncle?

CS: I know I've seen him in many, many things, but none of them are coming to mind.

SE: Jackie Brown most recently sticks in my head, but every cop show ever before that.

CS: I don't watch a lot of cop shows.

SE: My lord, you could derail a fucking 20,000-ton coal train.

CS: DELTA FORCE MOTHER FUCKER!

SE: IMDB to the rescue!

This episode is going to be hard to do our thing on, but I will add this: The other day, I decided to enjoy the nice weather and just stand outside my car for a few moments. Looking up at a streetlight amidst a sunny day, I realized that I’m going to miss Breaking Bad. Even if one doesn’t like the concept of the show, the cinematography has to be appreciated. I just feel that it made me look at the world in a different way, that any object could take on a life of its own. I was standing next to a busy traffic way with a lush forest of shimmering trees just beyond the city life--just another random location--but I felt like it could be a location where The Disappearerer could pick me up. I'm guessing you probably had to be there in my body to get the feeling, but I just want to be thankful for a show in which there was extra thought and added meaning applied to the inanimate objects that surround our lives. Other shows just haphazardly film what they can in a mad dash to produce the 23-episode season in two weeks.

CS: Now you're just making shit up.

SE: I will say I was rocking out the Eureka podcast the other day, and I think you hit on something interesting. Shows stagnate when the protagonist isn't in harms way. That is why Dexter has gotten dry. We know were it is going; we know he won't get caught. This is why Boardwalk Empire started kicking ass when Nucky had his ass against the wall.

CS: I feel like I need to make a dick joke.

SE: I could keep waxing it on the poetic side, but yeah we need a dick joke. My dick is so big, its nickname is Heisenberg.

CS: That joke is as pathetic as the TV reception in Mr. Lambert's cabin.

SE: I loved that Walt and Saul were in white shirts like they were already in prison.

My dick is so strong, it snorts ricin to get high.

CS: I think we now know who the ricin is for.

SE: It would be so petty of him to black out his ex-partners at Gray Matter.

CS: Which is exactly what he is going to do. If there is any one distinctive trait of Walt, it is pettiness.

SE: Such a big matter has been made of Lydia's stevia addiction that I hope it's for her. Mr. White in the cafe with the ricin-laced stevia.

CS: I guess it’s possible, as she is the one who is advocating for the offing of Skyler.

SE: I loved how on the preview for Talking Bad they offered, "Tonight we discuss if Walt will take Saul's advice." When has Walt ever taken advice? Tonight on Talking Bad: "Does the pope shit in the woods?"

CS: Saul should have just karate chopped Walt in the throat when he started to go Heisenberg in the vacuum dungeon.

SE: I have always been rooting for that evil bastard Walter White. Do you think this episode turns more folks to his side for the epic gun battle?

CS: I don't see there being a gun battle. I think Walt is going to use the machine gun as intimidation. No way he goes down in a blaze of glory.

SE: I don’t think Walt is much for Bon Jovi anyhow, but it's perfect that Jesse is in a real dungeon because he is out of harm’s way until all the Nazis are gone. Then we get the final showdown.

CS: If Walt dies, Flynn is the one who kills him.

SE: Is there anybody that has flipped quicker than Flynn against his father?

CS: I don't know, and I don't fucking care. I wish Flynn would have died in the first 5 minutes of that show.  I hate that character so much.

SE: I don't quite understand that, but when do we get the Todd/Flynn spinoff? I want to see those two in business together.

CS: The character of Flynn is just stupid.  He didn't inherit even the tiniest bit of his father’s intelligence. He flies off the handle. He bitches and whines. I get that he is a teenager, but I also hate teenagers.

SE: Let's keep this hate going, so Jesse is tortured further by his lady friend being offed. I think they did that more as a safety measure than to show Jesse.

CS: Safety from what?  She didn't know anything.

SE: They didn't know that though. The only reason Skyler is alive is because Todd respects Walt.

CS: Exactly, they didn't kill Skyler because he respects Walt. They killed what’s-her-face because they don't give a fuck about Jesse.

SE: The Uncles of Anarchy are really sweet on women. The best torture for them would be to lock them up and have Skyler and Marie take turns dominating them.

CS: I think Landry is going to get spurned by Lady Banjo Eyes, and he kills her.

SE: Whoa, good call. I like that.

CS: Walt was going to turn himself in, he saw the interview, and now he's going back. He's going back to kill the Gray Matter folks, or he is going to frame them.

SE: So you are joining the crazy-talk-Breaking-Bad-theory bunch? That gun machine gun is going to get used like a mother fucker. The Nazis are getting mowed down. And then there will be the epic Jesse/Walt showdown.

CS: No, I clearly said the machine gun is going to be a power play.  Has Walt even shot a gun?

SE: Quit trolling. He blew the shit out of those super lab goons. Craig, Craig, Craig, Chekhov’s gun always gets used by The Vince Gilligan.

CS: What does Star Trek have to do with Gilligan’s Island?

SE: So what do you think Walt did in that cabin for months on end? He probably beat Huell's record for hiding out by 3,000 fold.

CS: I don’t know, but I would have gone insane.  Also giving yourself chemo is pretty fucking hardcore.

Also fun fact: New Hampshire is the Payphone Capital of the World.

SE: What a fantastic line by Robert Forster when Chemo Sah-be asked him to give the money to his family: "If I said 'yes,' would you believe me?"

From Walt's cabin library

CS: What was the end game with his $11 million in cabin cash?

SE: I think that was the whole point, that Walt had no end game. I was really wanting a clip of newspaper of Jessie's girl getting offed with Walter wondering what that was about.

CS: Going back to Jesse, it's amazing that handcuff lock technologies have NEVER advanced.  I mean really, what kind of jank-ass system can be picked with a shitty paper clip.

Shout-out to Steven Colbert's Americone Dream ice cream though.

SE: And you're telling me that he twists that paper clip back to normal after he is done and clips it back up? No way.

CS: That was just a montage.

SE: I wanted a montage of the newspaper clippings Walt had up on his wall.

CS: Breaking Bad has really had some nice montages over the course of the series. 

My brother once told me that he kept a handcuff key behind his belt in the back belt loop at all times, so when he had his hands handcuffed behind his back the key would be right there and he could get away. He also told me it came in handy more times than I could even imagine. My brother also told me he couldn't watch Breaking Bad because it hits too close to home.

SE: Which means he associates too closely with Badger.

CS: Yeah, he had many Badgers and Skinny Petes in his crew before he was exiled from this time zone.

SE: So let's take some odds to end this: Skyler dies (5/1), Walt lives (2/1), Todd kills Lydia (10/1), Jesse kills Walt (2/1), Brock becomes a meth dealer in the Saul spinoff (12/1), and how about this one: Walt wins (10/1).

CS: Marie goes back to wearing purple (1/2), Flynn does something stupid (off), Ghost of Hank comes back for a weird Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore moment in Ghost with his minerals (25/1), Skyler switches to non-filters (5/1).

SE: Well, we can guarantee the last episode will be non-filtered.

CS: I have no idea how they are going to wrap this up in about 60 minutes of television.

SE: Better than if Chemo Sah-be would have just died in his cabin eating canned green beans.

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Fourteen "Ozymandias"

In this episode, Hank takes a trip to Belize with his partner Gomez leading people to believe he had a secret gay relationship, Walt and his family take to the road to start a traveling family band, and Todd and Jesse open a 50's-themed diner together.

Craig Scholes: Alright sirs (and the female version of sirs), Stan has decided to have fun this weekend, and it has compromised our Breaking Bad format a tad.  So Yours Truly will be helming this word salad of a breakdown. I feel bad for anyone who actually reads this.

Stan Earnest: Just letting you know I'll be watching this naked. Flashback!

CS: MOAR TIGHTY WALTER WHITES! Well that flashback seemed relatively pointless.

SE: Unless Holly bites the dust.

Knocking as we speak.

CS: Holly is the one who knocks.

SE: Literally. Knock knock knocking on labia's door.

CS: HOLY SHIT!

SE: This is just fucking madness.

CS: First, the Uncles of Anarchy come to Walt's rescue; then they go against his wishes; and finally they take his money.

SE: I love that Hank told him how stupid he is.

CS: I'm speechless. HOLY SHIT! HO. LEE. SHIT!

SE: Shouldn't our column just be like random sentences of nonsensical thought after that?

[OMD: As the one doing the final editing on this, no.]

CS: That was insane.

[OMD: One assumes that they're talking about Hank getting offed, but as you'll see this is much more of a live-blogging (without actually live-blogging) than a typical Breaking Down entry. Your guess, dear reader, is as good as mine.]

SE: The way he told Jesse about Jane was chillingly believable to the point where Jesse knows it is unequivocally true.  Did you know it takes them like a month to "break" one episode? Piece it together where it makes sense.

CS: Don't care. I can't wait to see how Walt lies about what happened. Jesus, Marie likes to stick her nose intp shit.

SE: Is Jesse Pinkman the most tortured soul in the history of everything?

CS: I can't think of a character who has been put through more hell.

SE: No wonder they have been setting Todd up as a sadistic fuck

CS: That photo of the only two people Jesse cares about is just cruel.

SE: I feel like I need to bathe myself in holy water.

CS: The write-up of this is gonna be all over the place and incoherent.

[OMD: Yes, yes it is.]

SE: It's on you, bro. Just kind of joke around about what happened, and make fun of the fact that no coherency can be made of the episode. So Todd stopped them from killing Jesse not at all to find out what he knows. The diabolical bastard.

Crucifictorious rides again 

CS: Landry don't give a fuck. I hate Flynn so much.

[OMD: But I do. I love Landry so much. The empire is yours, you magnificent bastard. Run with it. The world is your goddamn oyster.]

SE: How much money did you think AMC had to pay to use shit about a thousand times?

CS: You can say "bullshit," you can say "holy shit," but you can't say "don't step in that pile of shit." The only thing that would have made the dueling White scene any better is if after Walt's hand got sliced he recoiled and sprayed blood all over Holly's face.

SE: Tonight on Breaking Bad: The Earth splits in two.

CS: Well my Walter White fakes his own death theory got blown to shit, and that explains why they had the naming Holly flashback.

SE: The machine gun is clearly to gun down Flynn for ratting him out.

CS: God I hope so. Text I just got from a buddy: "Babies would just cramp my style in Belize."

SE: It's so awesomely batshit crazy for Walt to take the baby, and that truck hauls ass. What a fantastic buy.

CS: With the classic street drag rims too! Whelp, the producers have guaranteed that no one will be rooting for Walt. He's crossed the point of no return.

SE: No way. I'm rooting for Walt, lock, stock and smoking barrel. I hope he flattens the ABQ.

CS: Walt hauling that barrel around everywhere is kinda hilarious.

SE: That was the most intense episode of television ever.

CS: That was the fastest hour ever.

SE: It's amazing that Breaking Bad still finds the quirkiness.

CS: I guarantee we get at least one more Tighty Walter Whities scene.

SE: So the hour delay on the Seahawks/49ers game was so the crowd could watch Breaking Bad right?

CS: Sounds about right.

SE: What in the hell do you think Walt meant by "I still have things to do?"

CS: He's gonna get back his fucking paper!

SE: My guess is that Walt doesn't know Jesse is there when he blows away the Nazis, and the end is the epic showdown between Walt and Jesse.

CS: Jesse kills Walt, no way Walt walks away now.

SE: Walt kills Jesse.

CS: Skyler kills Walt.

SE: That would be my ideal scenario. Walt survives. That episode might be the best episode of anything ever. Who's the ricin for?

CS: Himself.

SE: Why would he ever take the ricin himself?

CS: So he doesn't have to be tortured.

SE: A gunshot to the head does the same thing. Walt would never spend energy to do something that could be done simpler. In your scenario you would be saying he blows the shit out of the Nazis. Then takes the ricin and divulges his entire story to the DEA or someone?

CS: I haven't got that far with my theory, but the snubnose gets taken from him. So anything else you wanna add before I try and edit this monstrosity?

SE: This could have totally ended up being an extra season long where Walt rises to kingpin of New Jersey somehow then comes back.

CS: Walt selling meth to guidos on the Jersey shore has tremendous potential.

SE: The craziest thing Walt did all episode was think that he could take his family on the road and that they wouldn't be caught.

CS: That would have been an entertaining traveling family band. Besides Flynn would have just fucked it all up.

SE: Kind of hard to hide Crippy McCrippenstein and baby Holly. I wonder if Skyler took her running technique from watching Shelly Duvall run from jack in the shining.

CS: Easily could have gotten a "Heeeeeeeere's Walter" as Heisenberg axes his way through a door.

SE: Skyler was also swinging that knife like Shelly Duvall was swinging that bat in the shining.

CS: I got nothing to add, who are we gonna wrap this up?

SE: With you saying "It's the Shinning"

CS: Jesus, this is gonna be my Vietnam.

SE: By the way, it's so much fun derailing this thing when you know you don't have to fix it, and I think of it as more of a Jesse chained to a meth lab scenario. Remember, the pain fades but the glory remains.

[OMD: Well that makes one of us.]

CS: I really feel like Im not doing this episode its justice, but editing a podcast while watching, and us really butchering talking about this episode.

SE: One last thing. I believe Walt might have been overly dramatic to keep Skyler from getting implicated knowing the police were listening.

CS: See, I was preoccupied a bit. I didn't even see Sting or Stuart Copeland in that scene.

[OMD: And once again I have to mention that this episode was directed by none other than Rian Johnson. Sure, it took until after the second commercial break to get to the credits, but Rian Johnson did direct. One has to wonder if he was responsible for the Walt rolling the barrel of money through the desert, which sure seemed like an homage to the opening of The Big Lebowski. Guys, guys, guys...]

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Thirteen

"To'hajiilee" brings us a cat-and-mouse game between Team White and Team Pinkman/Schrader. A chase into the deep recesses of the New Mexican desert allows Jesse and Hank to get the best of Walt for the first time ever, but only for a few minutes until Meth Damon and the Desert Road Truckers show up.

"I told you Huell likes his ribs with spicy sauce. Dry rub! No wonder he fucked us."

Stan Earnest: Fucking Huell.

Craig Scholes: FUCKING HELL!

SE: Never thought Walt would be in a Mike situation. Mike was dead to rights when he had to leave his granddaughter at the park. Now Walt is at the same place. It is rather honorable that Walt would surrender instead of shooting it out, but alas the Uncles of Anarchy are void of nobility.

CS: Yeah, Meth Damon and the Uncles of Anarchy are stone cold. And Meth Damon clearly has a burning groin for Lady Banjo Eyes. I picture him in a shitty duplex with a shrine in his bedroom, complete with hair dolls and stolen mugs with lipstick stains. Wait a minute, didn't you call Gomez as being the first casualty?

SE: Oh holy hell, I did, I did! What do I win?

CS: You win a fresh batch of snot yellow meth courtesy of Landry himself.

SE: I want to totally rip into this plot line, and Jesse was totally unconvincing on the phone, but what would make Walt not believe him?

CS: Like Hank said, there is no way Walt's greed would let him see clearly. I half expected them to cut to a tape recorder of Jesse with a phone taped to it.

SE: For the first time in the series I don't like Jesse here, it's just a feeling I have. Damn this show for making me feel strange about morality.

CS: Yeah, but you knew all of this was gonna happen.

SE: I do love the cat-and-mouse feel to this episode. No way Jesse doesn't blow their cover if he gets that message from Andrea.

CS: For sure.

SE: How about Walt Jr. ogling over Saul. Maybe he will be Saul's first customer on the Better Call Saul show. He is so on the blue.

CS: The Better Call Saul show is going to be a prequel though.  There is no way Saul Goodman stays in the business after all of this. I might actually dislike Walt Jr. more than Skysenberg. Such a fucking doofus.

SE: Huell is the real doofus. Hank was working dark forces here. I was wondering what the call to Marie was about, but now I know. Last goodbyes. I figure Gomez and Hank are done, but what about Jesse? Does he make it out alive?

CS: Yeah, I think Jesse makes it out alive, and I think he overhears the guys saying something like, "Do you still want us to kill him?" That will be even more uncomfortable. Why isn't there a brand of furniture called "Comfort Table”? 

SE: That will be the name of the table at which Marie and Skyler have their next family meal. Breaking Bad loves irony.

CS: Thanksgiving is going to be really awkward.

SE: But the green beans will be delicious.

CS: It’s all about the stuffing though.

SE:  I was really hoping the Uncles had at least a bazooka with them.

CS: Or one dude with crazy eyes that just showed up with a trident.

SE: Uncle Jack is not tolerant of tridents. He's more of a shank on a pole type of guy.

CS: Are we just going to gloss over that Breaking Bad pulled a White Men Can't Jump by having a fake death pic?

The Original Walt and Jesse.

SE: I knew I had seen that somewhere. Huell did sound like Rosie Perez when he saw that pic. I bet Huell was really wishing he would have gone to Mexico with that money.

CS: The fake brains used in that picture is the second worst thing I've seen on TV tonight, the worst being this horrible Giants/Cowboys football game. Right now, Huell is wishing he had done a lot of things.

SE: It would have been more realistic if he said, "Can you guys at least pick me up a couple racks of ribs if I'm gonna stay here?"

CS: I’m surprised Hank didn't make a crack about getting him a Madea flick. The low-hanging fruit would be to just make a generic list of things Huell would rather be doing. It would turn into a list of getting food, and being fat and lazy. I’m not sure either of us is in a position to throw stones here.

SE: Yeah, I ate an entire medium pizza watching the Chefs game today, slept through the late games, and then prepped for Breaking Bad by checking fantasy football scores. 

When Walt was leaned up against that rock, I had no clue how the scene was going to play out. I did enjoy the Robbie Alomar job Jesse did on Walt though. That interaction really drives home how much Walt cared for Jesse compared to how he cares for Hank. He only cares about Hank enough to not kill him.

CS: Except now Walt is willing to kill Jesse but not Hank.

SE: Irony I tell you! The show loves it!

CS: Just like spoons when all you needed was a knife.

SE: I think Walt accepted his fate because he was thinking of a way out without certain death. I bet instead of shooting it out, he thought he could post bail and cook enough meth to make enough money before he died.

CS: The whole time though Walt kept saying that Jesse didn't snitch. Once he came to the realization that Jesse snitched, he gave up.

SE: Now that the episode has finally soaked in, I'm really in awe of this plot line. Walt is almost post Breaking Bad at this point. His redemption road is watching everybody he loves die at others' hands while he watches helplessly.

CS: I think he has hit full-on survival mode. I don't think he cares about anyone but numero uno anymore. Sociopaths do not care about who they've wronged.

SE: Something crazy has to happen with Marie. No way Walt can leave Skysenberg, Junior, and Holly behind with Hank dead and Marie on the loose.

CS: I’m sticking with him faking his own death. It’s the only way he can let his family keep their family.

SE: I think it is the logical step.

CS: Skysenberg and Marie can't settle their differences with Walt still in the picture.

SE: Speaking of the Cowboys/Giants football game, the Matrix-style camera system they are using should totally be employed next week for the replay of the shootout.

CS: Jesus, none of those horrible shots from either Hankenstein or Uncle Jack could hit water if they fell out of a boat.  Maybe we could get John Madden with a teleprompter breaking it down as to why no one could hit anything.

SE: Well for one thing, Todd was just firing the weapon to be firing a weapon, I had flashbacks to Spike Jonze in Three Kings. Next week we get the cold open where no one was hit, and they have to go back into town to buy more ammo. 

CS: I can't wait to see the webisode of some sketchy meth junky collecting all the spent shells so he can take them to a recycling center so he can buy a tiny bag of meth. The circle of life.

A new Eureka podcast up here about how vacation sucks

Follow Craig on Twitter @anaveragegatsby and Stan @StanEarnest

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Twelve

"Rabid Dog" brings us many a reference to Old Yeller. Hank and Jesse buddy up and have a sleepover, Marie leaves an internet trace searching for poisons, and Walt contemplates teaming up with is old buddy, Uncle Jack, to solve the whole Pinkman-knows issue.

Can you imagine the plans this man could hatch if he was on a toilet and next to a pool?

Stan Earnest: Yo, bitch! Mr. White is just a decent man.

Craig Scholes: I just want to remind you that I told you Jesse was tailed to Walt's house.

SE: Great call, and I was going to make a point this week that we see Walter White as evil, but the great thing about Breaking Bad is that it is like a giant philosophical and moral thought experiment. Essentially everyone on the show is breaking bad, and it couldn't be more obvious now that Hank and Marie want to risk lives to get Walt while Skysenberg is all-in. The only redeeming person on the whole show is a doorbell-murdering meth addict. Cue Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" with four different Jesse Pinkmans in Mike's old-ass ghetto ride.

CS: Wouldn't a Sarah McLachlan "I Will Remember You" montage be more fitting? I’m also kind of bummed that we never got a Jane montage to the tune of "Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield, or even better yet: a Twaughthammer cover of it sung by Badger.

SE: I really had 70s buddy cop shows in my head as Hank clicked that seat belt, strapping Jesse in.

CS: I thought he was going to give him a hug.

SE: In the words of Marie, "you idiotic stupid idiot." Warning: more sycophantic Breaking Bad love to come. Not only does Marie's therapist say, "We all lead double lives to some extent," but Marie states in response that it "feels good to think about" doing bad, bad things to Walter Hartwell White. The show is driving the point home. It is the old Bronson in Death Wish storyline: is it ok to commit a crime to stop a crime?

CS: I fell asleep reading that.

SE: Junior however can't sleep. He's on the blue!

CS: Blue Laffy Taffy maybe. Flynn is more boring than a brown station wagon.

SE: Walt should have totally hired a crew to redo the house and surprised Skyler with it being a present to "upgrade the house." Maybe he could give the producers at the HGTV a call for his new show: Design on a Dimebag. His gasoline story was trash.

Only watching if the soundtrack is Pantera

CS: Even Flynn saw through it. This episode had way too much Walt Jr.

SE: I might just donate some money to Aaron Paul's charity, so that I can hire R.J. Mitte to smack you with one of those crutches.

CS: I'd duck and kick the other one.

SE: I love the J.J. Watt "Shot You Down" fantasy football commercials. We need a Walter White version of this commercial where he gloats after killing people. "Shot you down, Gus. Hey, that chicken smells great. Keep up the good work."

CS: It really is crazy the extremes to which the show has gone to try and make you feel sorry for Walt: special needs child, cancer, chud wife, the Aztek, shitty former boss. 

SE: You bring up a good point. I figure a lot of people are going to be up in arms about this episode being the whole let's-feel-sorry-for-Mr.-White-again episode. It just figures that the tiniest little thing turns the situation toxic. It was just a bald man playing with his daughter. I'm never going to feel the same way when I push my girl on a swing at a park again!

CS: I think the tides have turned on the show now. They really are playing the villain card at every turn now, even when he is innocent.

SE: There is a further philosophical question in there. All these things that make us feel sorry for Walter White are also what are contributing to his madness right? Nature and nurture are mixing a wicked cocktail here.

CS: Well, you pull off enough shit you eventually start to feel invincible. Walt has nearly completely lost touch with reality.

SE: Hank is the one that has lost touch with reality. No evidence from any of this fiasco is ever getting admitted. He is basically just burning the house down while standing inside of it.

CS: Hank knows he doesn't have shit. That’s why he needed the wire. He wants to get Walt to admit everything. I think Hank is the only person who really knows what he has got himself in.  No one else really fully knows the capacity of Walt’s devious intelligence. 

SE: What is your take on Skysenberg? She is ruthless. No wonder Anna Gunn ran that op-ed piece.

CS: I didn't read the piece because I can't stand her character that much.

SE: Irony just SHOT YOU DOWN.

CS: ?

SE: The whole piece is about how people should separate Anna Gunn the actress from Skyler White the character.

CS: I don't hold any ill towards the actress, but I don't give a shit what she has to say either.

SE: Craig Scholes, everyone. Craig Scholes.

CS: It’s not like I see her on something that's not Breaking Bad and just ooze hatred at her.

SE: Please tell me the DVD box set will have the full nine-hour Jesse Pinkman confession.

CS: That was some merciful editing.

SE: Even though this episode was the seemingly natural progression from last week, it seems as if this was the breather episode. Take a deep breath, and get ready for madness. Any thoughts for next week?

CS: I hope Jesse's plan this week is "MAGNETS BITCH!" No way Jesse claimed to killing Gale by the way. Speaking of DVD Box Sets and Gale, I can't wait to see the 27-disc Time-Life Gale karaoke collection.

SE: Chuck Klosterman made a point that he thinks that most showrunners seem to satisfy themselves with their show's ending while Vince Gilligan seems to be wanting to satisfy the customer. On top of this, on the Breaking Bad Insider podcast, Gilligan revealed that a fan he met through the Make-A-Wish Foundation changed his feelings on how the show should end. I don't really have a point here other than the hope that the show gets back to the pacing of last week's "Confessions."

CS: I don't have a response to any of that.

SE: Wait, you have seen Lost and The Sopranos, and you don't have a response to that? Let's just pray the screen doesn't go black halfway through the final episode.

CS: I don't get the comparisons of Lost to Breaking Bad.  Lost to me always seemed convoluted, like the writers were trying to prove how smart they were.  Breaking Bad is always focused. If you ask me, there are more parallels to Arrested Development than Lost.  Nothing was wasted in Arrested Development; everything meant something and was referenced several times.

SE: Wow, that actually makes sense.

CS: You're goddamn right it does.