True Detective Season One, Episodes Seven and Eight

The last two episodes of True Detective bring us the setup in the penultimate episode, in which Woody and Mac become one again, and the finale, in which all hell breaks loose, a journey straight into the creepiest hell on earth.

Stan Earnest: The plane takes off like a rocket, wobbles a bit…(will it crash?)…NO, sticks the fucking landing!

Craig Scholes: The last 10 minutes sucked

SE: I know you have never smoked weed, but are you fucking high?

Where the fuck were you last week?

CS: Meh, the ending existentialism was pointless for me.

SE: Spoken like a true existentialist.

CS: Burn.

SE: First, should we touch on last week just a bit? I completely fucked the dog last week. My apologies. Crazy family drama.

CS: By crazy family drama, I’m assuming you went sundress shopping. Did you get yourself a pretty yellow one?

SE: It was a little closer to Woody getting booted out of his house. I may have caused that with a little too much boozing and gambling. I tried to explain that I was just searching for the Yellow King. Didn't work.

CS: So, last week. I have a bunch of incoherent notes. Basically "Gayer John Waters... a.ka. Johnny Joanie Waters, and McConaughey parkour'd his way into the Osteen mansion.

SE: We are totally doing a disservice to our fan base by rehashing this shit before we get to the goods, but I'm not sure we have a fun base, so fuck it. All I have is that great line by Woody, "High praise from a bartender."

CS: I have the line "I should buy one of my kids paintings if I can afford it," which is ironic as he is driving a new Cadillac.

SE: Before you go all splattering green paint on the last ten minutes, let's dabble into the basis of this season. So the season was based on a couple of old time literary works: a short story called "An Inhabitant of Carcosa" by Ambrose Bierce (1891) and The King in Yellow by Robert W. Chambers (1895). Let me propose a theory: Cohle is the unspeakable man, the man that wants to convince the world he doesn't exist, the enabler, Lucifer. He has been turned, flipped into the role.

CS: Okay.

SE: In The King in Yellow, those that read the story are so affected by it that they slip into madness. Seeing the aftermath, Woody can't bear to think about what he has seen. Cohle, on the other hand, can't be killed. He is the one with yellow hair. There were no other mentions of the yellow king in this episode, just the green ears. I mean, I don't want to go off the rails and say it is literal, but Cohle saying the light is winning at the end of the season would be his version of slipping into insanity.

CS: How would he be becoming insane, when it justified everything he had done up to that point?

SE: He slipped and let go to see his family in the dark underworld, and it was only a ploy. What he has seen has turned him. I think the dark hole he saw before getting gutted was supposed to be his reality, not a hallucination. I just explain it the way I explain things I see on the internet: "Well shit, I can't unsee that."

I hope my dreams don't have shitty bands in them.

CS: I saw it as, he was going insane, and him nearly dying brought him back to reality.

SE: That statement itself is sweet irony, dying to live, like Inception on LSD. Cohle is rounding the black circle only to have his face shown like he was meant to play this game over and over again.

CS: Inception on LCD... it was all a dream?

SE: Inception on LCD Soundsystem: it was all just a ploy for the new record release. Fucking HBO, nothing but cash grabbers!

CS: Lord Jesus, we are spiraling. Flux capacitor must be broken.

SE: Besides, the last ten minutes were worth it just to see Woody sipping his drink, looking like Woody (because no one else has that look), as Cohle wakes up.

CS: So the sketchy dude they shot at on the boat, he was a cop or a sheriff right? HOW IN THE FUCK DOES HE OWN A MASERATI!?

SE: Joe fucking Walsh himself was giggling somewhere, if he even knows where he is at.

George Remus sans yellow.

CS: Two things about the Yellow King: 1) He didn't look Asian at all, and 2) Even Buffalo Bill thinks those guys are gross assholes.

SE: George Remus likes yellow. George Remus doesn't like to clean. Remus likes little girls though.

CS: The Backwater hillbilly bayou Forrest Gump.

SE: I don't think I'm ever traveling to Louisiana ever after that. I think Carcosa is the place in hell where Rob Zombie is going to jam for all eternity.

CS: I once ate at a Denny's in Shreveport that was out of ketchup. True story.

SE: When they were pulling up to the place, I was having flashbacks from Seven. "What's in the box! What's in the box!" I thought for sure that it was going to be Woody's daughter in that shed, but it was way creepier.

CS: I honestly thought I had called it with Woody's daughter. I knew that wasn't the case though when Woody met with his ex wife.

SE: This may be a rapid reaction, but as far as seasons of television shows, where does this season rank for you?

CS: I don't think it makes my top five, top ten probably.

SE: I’m throwing it in my top three alongside seasons three and four of Breaking Bad. No other show has stuck the dialogue, the acting, and story so completely. They trimmed the fat, chunked it into eight episodes of art layered on top of art. It was like a 90s Weezer album.

CS: With less references to KISS and Dungeons & Dragons.

SE: With that said, I can't decide if it should get point deductions or additions for the short season. Boardwalk Empire, as good as it is, would be even better if they cut it down to eight eps.

CS: Always leaving them wanting more. Having said that though, I don't know where else this story could go. It didn't leave any loose ends.

SE: What are you talking about? The Woody & Mac PI show is going to kill. Maybe they can hire Saul Goodman for good measure.

CS: I just meant this story line is complete, anything else would be a new story.

SE: Before we go, throw around some #TrueDetectiveSeason2 predictions.

CS: Jean Ralphio and Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec start a PI service and go on adventures and become best friends.

SE: I'm thinking Bill Murray and Robin Williams. Carrot Top will be the killer.

CS: I'd rather Carrot Top as the victim.

SE: If I were to guess an actual prediction as to what HBO will actually do, let's see, who is the latest washed up actor trying to blaze a comeback trail? Let's go Ben Affleck and…Jim Carrey. Sounds just looney enough.


CS: Batman?

SE: Oh, fuck me.

CS: I would imagine there is a female in season two, so I'll go with Frances McDormand and Sean Penn.

SE: All I can say is that this show stuck the landing, and no one should be disappointed in the ending.

True Detective Season One, Episode Six "Haunted Houses"

This week's installment of True Detective brings us a showdown between Marty and Cohle. Marty slips into some more infidelity. Cohle slips into Marty's wife. Epic blood bath thus ensues in the police department parking lot.

Hey Marty, this is how many inches I gave your wife.

Stan Earnest: Talk about the massive heartbreak episode. Why didn't they run this on Valentine's weekend?

Craig Scholes: Valentine’s Weekend is going to be my sappy love song parody band of Vampire Weekend.

SE: That clashes more than HBO following True Detective with Girls.

CS: YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH ABOUT GIRLS!

SE: Girls: naked, boring Seinfeld.

CS: I’m totally on board, except the boring part. Anyway, shit got real this episode.

SE: How bad was Woody in the sack at home that a five second blast from Cohle from behind was the best she has had in years?

CS: How dare you, McConaughey easily gave her a good 20-second rogering.

SE: Nothing says sexy like some of the ole in-out, in-out amidst crime scene photos of rape/murder victims.

CS: Really sets the mood. I’ve clearly found out what I've been doing wrong all these years.

NO, FUCK YOUUUUUUUU!

SE: I knew this episode was going to get steamy when basically every warning HBO has flashed before the opening credits.

CS: Started a bit slow though. When Woody whipped those two youts' asses, I pictured a scene in Coneheads. I hope when one of those guys goes to pick up Wood's daughter for a date they say the line, "I hope you didn't hurt your hand fucking up my face."

SE: Marty's character may be the most flawed mess of a man since George Costanza. Beats a couple kids up, pukes, fucks the girl prostitute he tried to save years ago, and sits around in his undies eating noodles in front of his family. I hope Larry David is doing a golf clap somewhere.

CS: And he's kind of an idiot.

SE: HOW DARE YOU! George Costanza was not an idiot. I would go with genius savant.

CS: No, I mean Woody's character is kind of an idiot.

SE: But even by association that makes Woody a genius.

CS: Except, he's an idiot.

SE: An idiot genius.

CS: I don't think you know what the word genius means.

SE: I'm putting the number of times our editor and captain of this mess, OMD, rolls his eyes/shakes his head during the last five sentences at ten, and I'm taking the over.

CS: Was it you or I that predicted that Woody's ol' lady was going to participate in acts of blanket hornpipe with McConaughey?

Complete with Woody Harrelson chin.

SE: Props to both of us. We both nailed that one, literally.

CS: It was pretty cold-blooded how Mrs. Harrelson broke the news to him though.

SE: He totally had that coming, but that was rather abrupt. She didn't just throw Cohle under the bus; she also drove it over him.

CS: By far my favorite part of the episode was the Wrath of Khan like "COHLE!"

SE: Marty tackled Cohle like he was Lawrence Taylor trying to end Joe Theismann’s career.

CS: And when Woody said "I'll follow you," I immediately thought that he was going to pull him over for never fixing that broken taillight.

So give me your best #TrueDetectiveSeason2

SE: I feel this is like when we are making Super Bowl odds for the next season immediately after the season is over. I don't really know how this all plays out yet, but I would stand to reason that another comedian-esque actor could play the Woody role, like Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, or Bill Murray, and a well-known, passionate actor could play the McConaughey role, like say Daniel Day Lewis or Michael Shannon. Although, I wouldn't mind seeing Michael Douglas and Matt Damon reprise their exact roles from Behind the Candelabra for #TrueDetectiveSeason2

CS: Isn't Boardwalk Empire ending? Which means Michael Shannon is definitely in play, Buscemi too. HBO has a tendency to recycle their guys. Which is why the police major actor played the exact role he played in Entourage. And if I get an Adrian Grenier #TrueDetectiveSeason2 I’m gonna be pissed.

SE: So who do you think the Yellow King is?

Jason Alexander has Woody's rug man's number.

CS: I’m sticking with Jackie Chan.

SE: My guess of the tent revival reverend fell flat. This show definitely has this eerie tone, like they are going to catch the killers with Woody's daughter like you called it. It is probably going to get extremely intense. It reminds of this movie I took a gamble on Netflix watching called The Kill List. Starts slow and boring with family stuff, explodes into crazy cult shit in the woods, and then ends with a gut punch, making me sick to my stomach.

CS: I've exhausted everything I had.

SE: Say something funny.

CS: I’m disappointed we didn't touch on Segways or anal sex.

SE: Well it looks like we just did.

CS: HUZZAH!

Follow Craig @anaveragegatsby and Stan @StanEarnest

True Detective Season One, Episode Five "The Secret Fate of All Life"

This installment of True Detective brings us the most intense fake shootout ever, as Cohle and Marty traverse the backwoods of Louisiana and brain the culprits. The interrogators believe Cohle is a suspect as new information about the Yelllow King surfaces.

No, you can't have my vintage Pink Floyd T.

Stan Earnest: I know who the Yellow King is: Jesse Plemmons, a.k.a. Landry, a.k.a. Meth Damon.

Craig Scholes: I was hoping it was Jackie Chan.

SE: Anyone that thinks the killer is really Cohle probably still thinks Gus Fring is alive.

CS: FRODO LIVES!

SE: This show has turned into a macabre, hypnotizing experience. It is truly on another level. Boardwalk Empire dances around some existential themes, but Mac is still putting his spell on us. Is this what it is like believing in Scientology?

CS: Tom Cruise has forbid me from commenting on that.

SE: I bet he secretly offed Phil Hoffman for his performance in The Master.

CS: I don't have a response that won't piss off the editor. [OMD: As long as you're not using chat-speak, I'll be fine.]

SE: So did you ever think that the killer was really going to be the meth cook, Reggie LeDoux?

CS: With very few episodes left, no way that small-time inbred Heisenberg-wannabe was gonna be the killer.

SE: I love that Mac and Woody are wasting the lives of many people (including themselves) to catch a killer that offed a meth head prostitute. That speaks volumes to how life really works, and Mac is echoing that in his half-drunken ramblings of living painful experiences over and over again. The tagline for the show really says it all: “Man is the cruelest animal.”

CS: That was some impressive lying to back up that story to save their asses. I’m really curious to see what caused the falling out because they really made a good team.

SE: As a poker player, anytime someone says something like, "I'm going to tell the truth here..." it is normally followed by a lie.

CS: I really hope we get to see a slide show of them vacationing together wearing tacky fanny packs and Tommy Bahama shirts with their special lady friends.

SE: Mac and Woody Vacation in Zihuatanejo coming up next on the Travel Channel.

CS: When Woody and Mac were traversing the land of that LeDoux cat, I was expecting a giant Indiana Jones boulder to come rolling at them, that really would have pushed this episode over the top.

SE: However, we did get a John Rambo-style machine gun firing sequence. Cohle saying, "What is that, Nietzsche," got a jolly laugh out of me.

CS: That one character really had your typical hillbilly white-trash canvas of hate tattoos.

SE: Making fake tattoos for actors has to be an interesting job. MacConaughey is so hard for this role that I wouldn't be surprised if his are real.

CS: Goat head pentagram, noose around the neck, multiple swastikas, 3rd Reich Eagle, and a 666 for good measure.

SE: The Woody gunshot blast to the head was a really easy way for that cat to go. What do we have, like three episodes left? I'm baffled as to where this is going.

CS: I've got my money on McConaughey shaving, getting a haircut, and returning to being a kick ass cop again, then he and Woody find the real killer. The montage of McConaughey getting his shit together is going to be amazing.

SE: I like how Mac has clearly warped Woody's mind because Woody starts preaching some wild shit there for a moment when we get the saddest time jump in film history: innocent child to downhill skiing two dudes in a pickup on a Louisiana back road.

CS: Oh man, that was crazy, show really took an unexpected turn there.

SE: She clearly was taking after her daddy, which makes it consistent with Woody blasting other people for his own problems when he slaps her.

CS: She's clearly going to be the next victim right? And then Woody gets to go complete full circle when he realizes his decisions in life led to his daughter getting killed.

SE: That's twisted.

CS: She's gonna be in her mid-to-late 20's. Would fit the profile of the other victims.

SE: There are literally three episodes left. This is going to end like The Killing, isn't it?

CS: No way. Can't leave any loose ends with this since each season will have entirely different casts.

SE: I heard something about entirely different casts, but I don't see how this doesn't end in some sort of a cliffhanger. Ball is in your court True Detective.

CS: No way this show ends in cliffhanger. It may leave you with the option to decide how you think it ended, but they can't leave a real cliffhanger because they won't be able to answer them the next season. [OMD: I'm with Craig on this one.]

SE: Well praise the Church of Cohle for that.

CS: Do you think Woody and he have matching "All Around Cowboy" belt buckles, or is that just something Woody got to steal from the set of The Cowboy Way?

SE: I think we are on to Woody as a set thief. First the White Men Can't Jump shirt and now this The Cowboy Way belt buckle. I can't wait until they go bowling and he has a clear ball with a rose in it.

CS: Not only that, but he practically stole a line from the movie Kingpin. "YOU DON'T MOW ANOTHER MAN'S LAWN!"

Follow Stan Earnest @StanEarnest and Craig Scholes @AnAverageGatsby.

True Detective Season One, Episode Four "Who Goes There?"

True Detective wasn't messing around this week. Woody's affair destroys his marriage. Mac makes the wise decision to steal some coke from the evidence room, snort it, and go AWOL. On top of it all, the Sons of Anarchy knock down Marlo Stanfield's door.

Craig Scholes: I don't know what just happened.

Stan Earnest: That was like Boyz n the Hood meets Sons of Anarchy.

CS: Yeah, I'm still not sure how everything went to hell in a hand basket there at the end.

You ready to reenact the movie Commando yet?

SE: My guess is that most everyone in the hood knew that house had the stash, and they all went to protect it.

CS: But why did the Po-Po show up? I can't imagine the police just show up anytime a gun goes off in the projects.

SE: The police are always rummaging through the projects. Of course we are in where? Texas in that scene? Oh, the cops are definitely showing up in Texas.

CS: So are we gonna Memento this episode and work backwards?

SE: Shit, I guess. I know it started with Woody just laying the acting law down. Then all of a sudden Mac took back over.

CS: I'm not entirely clear who was getting the interrogation in the beginning.

SE: Wow. Craig Scholes everyone! It is the ex-husband of the girl that was killed. McConaughey thought the "cheesecake pictures" caused his old cell mate to look up his ol' lady.

CS: I'll be honest, I wasn't paying much attention until Marty's epic sweater meat girl had the drama in the hallway.

SE: Speaking of what people were wearing, Woody was in full-on early-90s-grunge-hasn't-hit-yet attire. Was that a Pink Floyd Division Bell shirt? Are we sure he didn't pull that out of his closet from his White Men Can't Jump collection? And nothing dates a time period like someone selling a microwave for drugs.

Well, I'll be damned.

CS: Does that mean we are gonna get Rosie Perez talking about quiche?

SE: What the hell happened to Rosie Perez anyhow? I figured she would have popped up on an ABC sitcom by now. "You are like the Michael Jordan of being a son of a bitch." Great line.

CS: It most certainly was, and I had every intention of dropping that line. I even had it written in my notes.

SE: All I know is that I wish I had McConaughey in my corner anytime I screw up. The dude is uncanny. Woody's wife accuses him of "ducking under rationalization." Yes, sign me up for the logic train.

CS: Woody is such a fucking child, blaming everyone else for him fucking around on his wife, then blaming his wife for breaking up his family.

SE: I can't believe after Mac told him about the duck-tape-chair face lift that he still went trudging into that bar.

CS: I can't believe how Woody didn't even flinch when Mac brought out an Avtomat Kalashnikova.

SE: Praise to the writers [OMD: Nic Pizzolatto] for putting Woody in his down-and-out situation in which we can slightly believe he would go for this. The first sign I knew that the job was going to go way south: fully bearded men were going to dress up in cop outfits. No force allows that much facial hair.

CS: No fucking way I trust a cop with a ZZ Top beard.

SE: It is because it is so out of place (because it isn't allowed) that one automatically understands something is wrong.

CS: Some Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart looking mother fucker in a cop uniform ain't getting the drop on me.

SE: This episode really got the ol' ticker a pounding. This reminded of that Breaking Bad ep where they make the trip to Mexico and ends with madness by the poolside. And if I reference Breaking Bad, you know that is high praise.

CS: A little bit of everything: a gorgeous woman going into full blown homewrecker mode, drug use, sketchy motorcycle bars, a Training Day projects shoot out.

SE: So we have Training Day meets Justified meets Breaking Bad meets Sons of Anarchy...in the hood.

CS: That about sums it up. Don't forget the dance club/spark factory. This episode had everything.

True Detective: Season One, Episode Three "The Locked Room"

"The Locked Room" brings the supreme acting clinic that is Woody and Mac into overdrive. A stick man is finagled out of a beer can. Woody actually fucks his wife. And the two finally catch a lead that might lead to the killer.

You should see my sculpture of Rod Beck.

Stan Earnest: Yes! We get a Shea Whigham sighting! The guy deserves more praise than he got for Boardwalk Empire. I'm diggin' the Elvis preacher man.

The interplay between Woody and Mac is beautiful. They both are great detectives in different ways. They both hate each other. They both intensely respect each other. It all seems natural, too, like these guys are two real detectives.

Craig Scholes: And they are both absolutely crazy in different ways.

SE: I love how Woody is a guy hell-bent on ignoring life's existential questions, and Mac is bent on exposing everything. It sure is funny watching these two make each other squirm.

So now it's not "Get off my lawn!" It's "I LIKE TO MOW MY LAWN!"

CS: What a horseshit lie. No one likes mowing.

SE: No way, dude. Mowing is legalized drunk driving if you have a rider.

CS: That yard wasn't big enough for a rider. Funny story though: I heard a guy describe yard size as a count of beer consumption. He had moved into a new place and said that with his rider it was a three-beer yard.

SE: I had a place once with a six-beer yard. And there is nothing like donning a sombrero, putting some live Grateful Dead in my ear, sauntering along with a nice sixer, and welcoming skin cancer. Ok, I lied about the sombrero.

CS: Finally got a Creole accent with the dude in the boat.  He was the first dude to have any sort of Creole accent.  For this taking place in Louisiana, there have been very few backwater Louisiana types.

SE: I thought that was Johnny Gomes' dumb ass. 

CS: They could get Michael Rappaport to double down on his shitty Southern accent he is using in Justified.

SE: So Woody's way of describing how fucked up he has become is to refer to himself as Wile E. Coyote running off a cliff? Now that is fucked up.

CS: So it’s the law when there is an emergency vehicle with its lights on that you must pull over, but you never see a car pull to the side in a chase scene.

SE: I think I saw one old dusty Buick pull over. 

Synesthesia! Warning! Warning! *Psychology nerd alert.* That is a real thing, and a famous scientist Ramachandran posits that it is the basis of artistic creativity.

CS: I can taste emotions.

SE:  Woody's sidepiece can taste bologna.

CS: You and your obsession with Woody’s bologna. 

SE: I've seen some shitty slow country music playing shitholes where the old fogies get down on a Saturday night, but that bar has to be the saddest sad bastard bar I've ever seen. If that band was playing any slower, they might as well have been downloading a song using NetZero dial-up.

CS: That very well could have been Twisters here in Pittsburg.

SE: Just finished the ep, so the killer is Walter White?

CS: Clearly. 

SE: What's this "in two weeks" bullshit? The Super Bowl is a bigger monster than the killer. Looks like a total shit-hits-the-fan episode though.

CS: I don't disagree.  I am only going to watch the game because I feel obligated to attend a social function.

SE: I've been invited to probably an amazing party where there will be nothing but Broncos fans there. Great people, but I might have to wear a Richard Sherman jersey just for spite.

CS: Tebow jersey.

SE: The Tebow Patriots shirsey would throw them all out of whack. They hate the Patriots, but love Tebow. It would be a nice touch.

We have to skip a week of True Detective for this?

CS: Maurice Clarett jersey.

SE: O.J. Simpson Bills throwback!

CS: But that doesn't really have any tie to the Broncos.

SE: Well, just one Bronco, a white Ford.

CS: This has really gone off the rails.

SE: I really don't think half this shit should make it, but I mean not a lot to say about these episodes other than the script is fucking mind-blowing, and the acting is flawless.

CS: So much more happened this episode than the last one though.  At least this episode advanced the plot.

Editing this episode of the podcast is going to be a real fucking asshole. 

SE: You deserve it for the nightmare that this is. 

CS: Says the guy who completely forgot about it.

SE: Mario Galaxy with the kids is fucking addictive.

CS: We haven't even talked about this episode at all.

SE: Preach brother, preach. What do you want to say?

CS: I love how judgmental Woody is of McConaughey (I accidentally spelled that right) while being completely oblivious to how big a piece of shit he has become. I’m not the type of guy that can wax poetic about the technical mastery that McConaughey is doing.

SE: I think we need to give props to Woody just for keeping up with that.

CS: Oh yeah, he isn't doing anything wrong in the show.

Brokeback Mountain II: Psychedelic Mushroom Farmers

SE: I'm just happy to see a show celebrate the dirtiness detectives must be crawling in. I mean, one has to be some kind of evil bastard to catch evil people. It just comes with the territory. Woody is self-absorbed in worrying about his marriage and then the episode flips the script to McConaughey that just explodes the "sin" in every direction. He knows he is bad. What does he care? He thinks he is just a biologically programmed monkey like those he hates, so there is this strange masochism present. I can't remember a character so eye-opening in the last few years.

CS: Yeah, he makes no apologies for being the way he is.

SE: The beer can stick figure was amazing. I can't even shotgun a beer without cutting my hand.

CS: I honestly just thought he was turning that can into an ashtray.  My old roommate was this proper asshole who could be judgmental about anything and everything.  But that asshole wouldn't buy an ashtray; no, he would have these fucking ghetto Coke cans with the top cut off, but we couldn't have a coffee table because it collected clutter.

SE:  I had a roommate that used stacked empty pizza boxes for a coffee table. Fucking roommates.

True Detective: Season One, Episode Two "Seeing Things"

The second installment of True Detective continues to be character-driven. McConaughey trips. Woody cheats. Epic dialogue is exchanged in between.

"Hey Woody, wanna see my secret garden?"

Stan Earnest: Once again I'm going to start with the opening credits. They are mesmerizing.  

Craig Scholes: I actually haven't seen the opening credits yet.  

SE: Can somebody call Craig and tell him we are reviewing a show here?  

CS: Both weeks I started late, and tried to get live by skipping the opening credits. Of course this week I've spent the last 50 minutes trying to get something out of my teeth to no avail.

SE: I've heard gargling with horse semen works well. Get your shit together Craig. Go back on the DVR and watch the opening credits for two minutes. The only other opening credits I liked this much were from Boardwalk Empire. Dexter's were great until about the 3rd season when they decided they were never changing them. At all.  

CS: The Game of Thrones opening credits are amazing. I also hated The Wire's opening credits, but I think I’m the only one.  

SE: Correct and correct. The Game of Thrones opener is top five and probably top three. I hated The Wire's too. Even though it was a Tom Waits song, it didn't vibe with me.  

CS: So other than seeing epic bare sweater meat, what happened this episode? Alexandra Daddario can put me in handcuffs any time.

SE: So that's the real name of Bumbletits McGee? I was going to ask you the same question. Nothing happened, but it works, all character- and dialogue-driven. What happened was that we find out that these two detectives don't realize it, but they have the same fucked-out viewpoint of life. That and some realistic tripping by McConaughey, and hallucinations being realistic is just weird.

CS: Yes, that is her name. I have randomly seen her in a bunch of stuff, and always took a liking to her. And I just watched the opening; it’s good, but it’s not as good as you made it out to be.

Wooderson appears to be a sneaky badass.  

SE: I really don't think we can call McConaughey Wooderson with Woody as his partner.

I want to be a detective because I realized this episode that you could really not do shit but drink and whore around for days and get paid for it.  

CS: I agree, but I had to call him Wooderson at least once. I could actually see this as his career path after getting those Aerosmith tickets though; they were top priority of the summer. Also, I think if you are good enough at your job you could do nothing but drink and whore around for days.

SE: After the SAG awards speech, I think McConaughey plays himself on this show. The dude is in outer space. He's the perfect car salesman: you know the dude is nuts, but he sprinkles in the stark truth once in a while, and it fools you.

CS: HOW DARE YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO PLAYS THE BONGOS NAKED NUTS!  

SE: I have a friend that I like to hang out with just because he's dangerous--throws hatchets and shit. I feel like I could lose a limb at any point in time. I've seen this dude jump off of a roof to scare people, break a deer neck to mercy kill it after hitting it with a car, and shoot a Mack 10 into the air in the middle of the woods. His favorite movie is Red Dawn, which is scary enough by its lonesome.  

CS: But does this friend play the bongos naked?

SE: I've seen him fire dance to Sublime with an Indian headdress on. Does that count?  

CS: That’s pretty darn close.  

SE: I've also seen him scream at the cops, "NAZIS, NAZIS, NAZIS!" and not get arrested. Did I mention this guy was a school teacher? It takes all walks of life.  

CS: Well that’s because unlike Germany, it isn't illegal to scream Nazi.  

SE: One of the funniest texts I've ever gotten from you was about how you called someone a Soup Nazi in Germany to the sound of crickets and the looks of Ralphie's mom in A Christmas Story when he dropped the F bomb or whatever he said that's bleeped on TV.  

CS: Yeah, that was a moment of blatant obliviousness to my surroundings. I have those occasionally. Except, what made it worse was that I didn't actually call them a Nazi, I just used the word in a manner like the Soup Nazi. The explaining of the Seinfeld episode didn't help matters at all.

 SE: Woody had one of these moments in the show: "Even your mom thinks you're a ballbuster." Marital Fighting 101: tell your spouse false things about how their parents feel about them. Woody is playing dirty.  

Mac with his hashish filled bongo drum.

CS: Woody seems like a loose cannon.

SE: What odds do you give it that McConaughey is going to be boning his wife soon?  

CS: Oh man, I had that thought too. If she finds out that Woody cheated on her with epic sweater meat girl, then I say the odds are very good. But if not, I don't think she does. Though I do think she does find out, so I’m only going 5:1 odds.  

SE: I'm putting money on the Mac.

CS: Why would someone graffiti Dobby from Harry Potter on a burnt down church wall?  

SE: So your theory is that the killer is a J.K. Rowling fan? Makes sense, I've never seen any reason to kill somebody or read Harry Potter books.  

CS: I’m sure I could do a 6 degrees from Wooderson to Daniel Radcliffe, but I'm not going to.

SE: Well, going forward, I'm still sold on the show. I like this episode as well as the last. I don't care if nothing happens as long as Mac and Woody fall deeper and deeper into Louisiana sin.  

CS: Fin.

Listen to Craig at Eureka Podcast and follow @anaveragegatsby
Follow Stan @StanEarnest

True Detective: Season One, Episode One "The Long Bright Dark"

The first episode of True Detective entitled "The Long Bright Dark" brings us a dead woman with deer antlers for a crown, then spills over from there into the personal life of two detectives, one with family and earnest living concerns and the other with a concern for good old-fashioned alcoholic self-destruction. 

Killer Joe vs. Billy Hoyle

Stan Earnest: T-Bone Burnett! Fuck yes! Love the opening credits. 

Craig Scholes: Mc-Con-uh-hey ages like shit in this.

SE: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! We are in the McConaussance!

CS:  Long-haired, handle-bar mustachioed, arm-tat future Mc-Con-uh-hey looks like a real pederast.

SE: Don't mess with the Jesus.

CS: It’s a good thing this takes place in Louisiana instead of Miami; I'd hate for this to be a Dexter spinoff.

SE: Fuck the last season of Dexter with the passion of a hundred-million suns. I'm a big true crime fan, so it has been a long time coming for a fictional show that does detective work any justice. I have high hopes for this show. This better not be some hybrid CSI bullshit, so far so good.

CS: You'd think smoking at a crime scene would be frowned upon.

SE: I've always thought hovering around a crime scene would be weird. How are cops not required to wear gloves immediately? Not securing the crime scene was the key mishap of the Jon-Benet Ramsay case.

Alright, alright, alright! Mc-Con-uh-hey is really putting on a clinic here.

CS: He has come a long way since trolling for high school chicks.

SE: Do you think they used superglue or velcro for Woody's mop? He really is putting Bruce Willis's hair stylist to shame. Stay sexy Woody.

CS: I hope they used that aerosol spray-on adhesive for Woody's rug.

SE: "It's all one ghetto man. A giant gutter in outer space." My lands, this shit is gonna be dark.

CS: I was on the fence about this show until the very last line: "Then you better start asking the right fucking questions."

SE: I'm sold, and the reason is that most detective shows fall flat because either: a) shitty acting, or b) trying to make a detective case have to many twists and turns. This one has character. They are somehow making these scenes where nothing happens matter. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

CS: For me I don't even care about the case or where it’s going. I want to know where Mc-Con-uh-hey is going. I should really learn how to spell his name.

SE: Matthew McConaughey. I have to admit that I checked IMDB for that. I also thought that was Lester Freamon in the church, but IMDB says no. [**CORRECTION** IMDB now has Clarke Peters listed as an actor in True Detective.]

CS: Lester Freamon on a case, and it won't be a case for very long.

SE: That’s right, gotta have some good old-fashioned existential drunks on the scene. Maybe Lester is the killer. I mean he loved him some tiny furniture crafting, maybe he's moved on to those little devil's nest thingies.

All the pieces matter.

CS: Lone Star tall-boys to the rescue!

SE: Wife has The Golden Globes on, I think Joaquin Phoenix's neck beard could play a role in True Detective. McConaughey's stache would kick its ass.

CS: Of course Joaquin will always have a disadvantage in the facial hair department because of the harelip.

SE: One episode in and Craig is in true form. You’ve already picked on fictional characters (Flynn from Breaking Bad), now you're in a full-on war with harelips?

CS: *Shameless plug alert* You should hear what I have to say about kids with Down Syndrome on my podcast. Teaser...next episode of the podcast is called "Mid-American Charlie Sheen”.

SE: Yes, listen to Craig's podcast. I laugh ballz [OMD: Fuck you, Stan. That alternate spelling instantly made this website the worst ever. I hope you're happy.] at least once an episode. (I'm setting the over/under on the text I get from Old Man Duggan for putting that last sentence in at 237 characters and I'm taking the over).

So what is it about this show that you think makes it so good? I hope this slow burn keeps weaving the characters into more sinister places and doesn't worry about too much of a let's-catch-this-killer-now plot.

CS: Honestly, the first half didn't have me at all. I don’t care much about shows just about murder solving. I’m a big fan of the idea of them rehashing the story ten or so years down the line. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens between them because they don't appear to really be fans of each other.

SE: That scene in the car with McConaughey waxing about his biological programming while Woody tried to verbally put his burning cigarette out ranks up there with only a few scenes I can remember off-hand where I was just in awe. I'm thinking Donald Sutherland and Judd Hirsch from Ordinary People for some reason.

CS: I'll have to go back and re-watch that scene. That was around the time I was losing interest.

SE: You're a monster, Craig. That was where I was gaining interest. The script in that scene is admirable.

CS: So where do you hope this goes? I personally already don't really give a shit about Woody. I just want to know where McConaughey goes in this.

SE: I want to see how Woody stands up next to the force that McConaughey is, so far so good. I'm just hoping this doesn't become unhinged after a few eps like the other detective show I unfortunately watched all of (The Killing...ahem). 

 

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT! As I type this McConaughey wins a Golden Globe and opens his speech with "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!"

CS: Money!

Follow Craig @anaveragegatsby  and Stan @StanEarnest