True Detective: Season One, Episode Two "Seeing Things"

The second installment of True Detective continues to be character-driven. McConaughey trips. Woody cheats. Epic dialogue is exchanged in between.

"Hey Woody, wanna see my secret garden?"

Stan Earnest: Once again I'm going to start with the opening credits. They are mesmerizing.  

Craig Scholes: I actually haven't seen the opening credits yet.  

SE: Can somebody call Craig and tell him we are reviewing a show here?  

CS: Both weeks I started late, and tried to get live by skipping the opening credits. Of course this week I've spent the last 50 minutes trying to get something out of my teeth to no avail.

SE: I've heard gargling with horse semen works well. Get your shit together Craig. Go back on the DVR and watch the opening credits for two minutes. The only other opening credits I liked this much were from Boardwalk Empire. Dexter's were great until about the 3rd season when they decided they were never changing them. At all.  

CS: The Game of Thrones opening credits are amazing. I also hated The Wire's opening credits, but I think I’m the only one.  

SE: Correct and correct. The Game of Thrones opener is top five and probably top three. I hated The Wire's too. Even though it was a Tom Waits song, it didn't vibe with me.  

CS: So other than seeing epic bare sweater meat, what happened this episode? Alexandra Daddario can put me in handcuffs any time.

SE: So that's the real name of Bumbletits McGee? I was going to ask you the same question. Nothing happened, but it works, all character- and dialogue-driven. What happened was that we find out that these two detectives don't realize it, but they have the same fucked-out viewpoint of life. That and some realistic tripping by McConaughey, and hallucinations being realistic is just weird.

CS: Yes, that is her name. I have randomly seen her in a bunch of stuff, and always took a liking to her. And I just watched the opening; it’s good, but it’s not as good as you made it out to be.

Wooderson appears to be a sneaky badass.  

SE: I really don't think we can call McConaughey Wooderson with Woody as his partner.

I want to be a detective because I realized this episode that you could really not do shit but drink and whore around for days and get paid for it.  

CS: I agree, but I had to call him Wooderson at least once. I could actually see this as his career path after getting those Aerosmith tickets though; they were top priority of the summer. Also, I think if you are good enough at your job you could do nothing but drink and whore around for days.

SE: After the SAG awards speech, I think McConaughey plays himself on this show. The dude is in outer space. He's the perfect car salesman: you know the dude is nuts, but he sprinkles in the stark truth once in a while, and it fools you.

CS: HOW DARE YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO PLAYS THE BONGOS NAKED NUTS!  

SE: I have a friend that I like to hang out with just because he's dangerous--throws hatchets and shit. I feel like I could lose a limb at any point in time. I've seen this dude jump off of a roof to scare people, break a deer neck to mercy kill it after hitting it with a car, and shoot a Mack 10 into the air in the middle of the woods. His favorite movie is Red Dawn, which is scary enough by its lonesome.  

CS: But does this friend play the bongos naked?

SE: I've seen him fire dance to Sublime with an Indian headdress on. Does that count?  

CS: That’s pretty darn close.  

SE: I've also seen him scream at the cops, "NAZIS, NAZIS, NAZIS!" and not get arrested. Did I mention this guy was a school teacher? It takes all walks of life.  

CS: Well that’s because unlike Germany, it isn't illegal to scream Nazi.  

SE: One of the funniest texts I've ever gotten from you was about how you called someone a Soup Nazi in Germany to the sound of crickets and the looks of Ralphie's mom in A Christmas Story when he dropped the F bomb or whatever he said that's bleeped on TV.  

CS: Yeah, that was a moment of blatant obliviousness to my surroundings. I have those occasionally. Except, what made it worse was that I didn't actually call them a Nazi, I just used the word in a manner like the Soup Nazi. The explaining of the Seinfeld episode didn't help matters at all.

 SE: Woody had one of these moments in the show: "Even your mom thinks you're a ballbuster." Marital Fighting 101: tell your spouse false things about how their parents feel about them. Woody is playing dirty.  

Mac with his hashish filled bongo drum.

CS: Woody seems like a loose cannon.

SE: What odds do you give it that McConaughey is going to be boning his wife soon?  

CS: Oh man, I had that thought too. If she finds out that Woody cheated on her with epic sweater meat girl, then I say the odds are very good. But if not, I don't think she does. Though I do think she does find out, so I’m only going 5:1 odds.  

SE: I'm putting money on the Mac.

CS: Why would someone graffiti Dobby from Harry Potter on a burnt down church wall?  

SE: So your theory is that the killer is a J.K. Rowling fan? Makes sense, I've never seen any reason to kill somebody or read Harry Potter books.  

CS: I’m sure I could do a 6 degrees from Wooderson to Daniel Radcliffe, but I'm not going to.

SE: Well, going forward, I'm still sold on the show. I like this episode as well as the last. I don't care if nothing happens as long as Mac and Woody fall deeper and deeper into Louisiana sin.  

CS: Fin.

Listen to Craig at Eureka Podcast and follow @anaveragegatsby
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