Well folks, Craig and I haven’t littered the interwebs with any pop culture psychobabble in a while, so we are making an epic return, discussing some of our favorite TV shows as if they underwent the impending zombie apocalypse. After all, The Walking Dead is hell-bent on shoving ghost Lorie down our throats, so we thought instead of ripping on the flaws of The Walking Dead we would create hypothetical zombie apocalypses of our own.
Craig Scholes: UGGGHHH!!!! Why did you even have to mention Lorie? Nobody even liked that bitch when she was alive; but, yeah, I’m kind of jealous I didn't have this idea to use on my podcast. CROSS PROMOTION! If only we knew famous comedians to plug our work, then we could have a David Cross Promotion.
Stan Earnest: Yes folks, Craig has a podcast. If you want to hear about condors meeting their demise in the grates of Chevy Blazers or vehicles missing their steering wheels in Taco Bell parking lots and the such, have a listen.
CS: Hey, we also talk about dirty toilets... but anyway. To continue with our "theme" as you astutely pointed out to me via text message: a Breaking Bad Zombie Apocalypse has some amazing potential for epic badassery. Hold up, let me get the door…
I ordered Chinese for supper. They told me it would take 45 minutes, and it was here in less than seven.
SE: Them Chinese work hard...or should I say wok hard? We are going to be taking bad puns to a whole new level this time around.
CS: Wok Hard: The Ming Cox Story
SE: So should we inform our audience where we have been at lately?
CS: Sure, I've been on an expedition in lower Estonia hunting Chupacabras.
SE: Ok, well then, I can’t beat that. I’ve just been trying to feed my family.
Since y’all know us as the Breaking Bad guys we better touch on that show first. We do know that Walt and Jesse have plenty of gas masks, so they could survive any airborne zombie virus, although I'm not quite certain how The Walking Dead virus works. You can basically fuck a zombie without contracting anything, but if one scratches you, you're dead.
CS: Right, can you imagine Walt and Jesse navigating a post-apocalyptic world in the Crystal Ship?
SE: Oh man, Skyler would totally turn to the blue. She wouldn't be able to handle it. Speaking of which... Walt and Jesse would have a whole new clientele. Zombies are typically slow; imagine the damage they could do on meth.
CS: Would this transform, say Walking Dead "walkers”, into superfast running Zombies, say like Rage-induced-28-Days-Later mode?
SE: Flynn would have a hell of a time outrunning those monsters. So is he the first to go?
CS: Cripple McDipshit doesn't stand a chance, but he is the obvious answer. It would probably be someone like Beneke.
CS: If Breaking Bad follows The Walking Dead model, they take the two most annoying women and make them last seemingly forever. Is Skyler the Lorie character, or the Andrea character?
SE: Hmmm, she is kind of a mix of the both of them.
CS: Right. Heck she is even a little bit of Crazy Rick.
SE: Walt is most definitely Shane, in that he would understand the situation and immediately celebrate Darwinian science.
CS: I'd say he is a cross between Rick and Shane; or: Walt is Rick, and Heisenberg is Shane.
SE: I would love to see Saul in the zombie apocalypse. He would be hiding out in his lair, freaked to the max, and be forced to sleep with his clerks.
CS: Or Saul could wind up being very crafty in that type of situation. He is pretty sketchy at taking advantage of shitty situations
Clearly Gustavo would be the Governor right?
SE: Stole the words right from my zombiefied brain. Problem is that the Governor is so careless. Gus was the antipathy of carelessness. One thing is for sure, Gus is already ready for the apocalypse. He doesn't even need any more makeup.
CS: How would Gale go about making his sweet coffee of the gods in the Zombie apocalypse?
SE: Oh man, he would have a team of zombies brewing it for him. Just like Bernard or whatever the name of that dumbfuck scientist the Governor employs is.
CS: Oh man, Tuco Salamanca... Merle! Zero common sense, kind of a bad ass, and has a hair trigger.
SE: Ok, well, my top 5 final survivors would be: Walt (he would probably offer the baby up for zombie feed before he got got), Jesse (just because we would want never ending "Yeah, bitches!"), Saul (crafty), Hank, and my one wildcard pick: Marie. Marie would be at peace with all the looting she could accomplish.
CS: Seems solid, what if we applied the Zombie Apocalypse to other shows... say Arrested Development. Could you imagine GOB trying to outrun zombies on his Segway all whilst having lighter fluid shooting out his sleeves on the way to the Aztec Tomb?
SE: He could hide for years in the Aztec Tomb. Talk about cross promotion: the Aztek! The Pontiac Aztek already is a zombie though.
CS: How long could Lucile survive in her penthouse with nothing but Vodka?
SE: A long time, that cunt is pickled, and I see the dumb brother surviving out of pure luck.
CS: Well Buster IS A MONSTER, with his hooked hand. We also would get to see Buster making good use of his Cartography skills deciphering maps and ultimately getting them in worse situations.
SE: Zombie The Fonz would be classic.
CS: You know even after becoming Zombiefied he'd still have a greased pompadour. We'd also get to see the classic scene where Zombie Fonz gets hit with a baseball bat, and he falls into a jukebox and it comes on.
SE: What about Seinfeld? Jerry would last forever on his cereal stash. And zombie Kramer would be a riot.
CS: What’s the deal with all these walkers? I mean it’s like they aren't even human!
You know Costanza would become a Zombie in the first 5 minutes of the first episode, probably from licking an envelope.
SE: I don't know, I think he would be crafty like a cockroach and survive, if only to annoy the rest of the survivors. Although they could have a recurring theme where he starts out unzombiefied every episode and then turns at some point in each one.
CS: Costanza would be the guy to get infected in the first episode, but it takes him 7 seasons to fully turn and you get to hear about him bitch about how awful it is the entire time.
SE: Full disclosure: George Costanza is on my Mount Rushmore of favorite TV characters.
CS: It doesn't really matter who is on your Rushmore of TV Characters because Ron Swanson would be the guy to carve it.
SE: Walter White, George Costanza, Al Swearengen, and Omar, carved by Swanson. I have a thing for insufferable bastards.
The Wire? We shouldn't even discuss that one; they are all survivors on that show. What about Mad Men? They would have very few tokens to kill off; a main character would die weekly.
CS: All I know about Zombie Wire, is that Omar wouldn't die... ever.
Mad Men, I think they are all pretty soft in reality. Roger Sterling and Don Draper are the only two with any stones at all in that show. The rest of them are just a bunch of office yuppies. Pete wouldn't last a day. Lane would have bare knuckle brawled his way through some shit though.
SE: Betsy is clearly the Lorie character and would last about 50 episodes too long.
CS: Peggy is a survivor. I just hope we at some point in Mad Men Zombie spinoff still get to see epic Alexis Bledel sideboob.
SE: Evil, droopy, zombie side boob.
CS: Seems like we would at least have to mention Zombie Full House.
SE: Cut. It. Out.
CS: Zombie John Stamos would still be a solid 8 on the man pretty scale
SE: If there is TV in the zombie apocalypse, it would be nothing but Full House reruns. I mean it is about all you need: family oriented with a little spank material and you can always bag on Bob Saget.
CS: Can you imagine how much nasty saggy titty they would show on The Walking Dead if it were on HBO? It would be a thousand times worse than all the dudity and awkward boob shots that they show in Game of Thrones.
SE: You just gave me a horrifying thought: Zombie Girls.
CS: [SHUDDER]
SE: At least they could sew Ned Stark's head back on, and he could remain in rule.
I would pay pay-per-view money to see Ned Stark behead that guitarist from the band fun. that the girl from Girls is dating or whatever.
CS: The band fun. makes me want to kick puppies...shelter houses full of puppies. There actually would probably be less killing in Game of Thrones if it were a zombie show.
SE: It drives me crazy that there are no animals on The Walking Dead. I want a fucking zombie squirrel goddamnit.
CS: ZOMBIE DRAGONS! Also I can't believe The Walking Dead hasn't snuck any Cranberries into the soundtrack.
Could you imagine Zombie Office? At least then we would have Andy Bernard singing some Cranberries.
SE: I think we are missing possibly the greatest crossover show ever: Zombie MacGyver!
CS: Wouldn't MacGyver be able to solve the Zombie Apocalypse problem with some toe nail clippers, a wet napkin and an empty tube of toothpaste?
SE: I'm thinking he would become the all-time zombie death total leader.
CS: But it still wouldn't be as epic as Woody from Cheers crossing paths with Woody from Zombieland.
SE: They can cure themselves from zombiefication by pickling their bodies with expired Hostess products and Old Style.
PS: CS: If you care to check out my podcast you can do so here
"Gliding Over All" brings us a reminiscent Walter White. Heisenberg orchestrates a few prison shankings while keeping Lydia alive to grow the business. The business grows and grows and grows. A cancer scan turns Walt into a big softy, dumping cash at Jesse's front door and proclaiming he is out of the business. Walt Whitman has something to say about that though.
Gus Fring post Robocop reconstruction
Stan Earnest: Zombie Gale is pissed. He is after Walter White. He was the Garfunkel to the Simon, the Slash to the Axl, the Ono to the Lennon, the Louise to the Thelma, the Whitney to the Bobby, and Walt had to go and ruin it. First the coffee pot being tossed across the room, and now he is leaving messages for Hank. Walter White is doomed.
Craig Scholes: So you are telling me AMC is going to do a Breaking Bad/Walking Dead season to wrap up Breaking Bad next year? BRILLIANT!
SE: Why not? I'm still waiting for the digital world to give me a Rocky/Rambo combo with dueling Sylvester Stallones.
CS: Why would Rocky fight Rambo though?
SE: Rocky gets kidnapped and Rambo saves him. They fight as a team. This is not an original idea by me, but it is a damn good one, and it should get made.
CS: A better idea would be if Conan the Barbarian was used to stop the T-800.
SE: Well, there was talk of a Saul Goodman spinoff, which would easily win the world's greatest spinoff competition.
CS: Until the Ron Swanson spinoff gets made
SE: Ron Swanson could probably use a good lawyer.
CS: Saul Goodman has to be a Libertarian too.
SE: Full disclosure time: Last week we pranked Old Man Duggan by included a plethora of ellipses and many mentions of sandals. This time I've been duped. I was 99.5% certain the spoiler I heard was correct, that Walt was going to choke out Skyler screaming, "This was for us! This was for us!" And then go into hiding. Breaking Bad, you are good, you are damn good. They planted spoilers and then had them pulled from site forums to add to the plausibility of them.
CS: The greatest trick Walter White ever played was convincing Hank Schrader that Heisenberg didn't exist. Brilliant strategery, next thing you know they will do minisodes for next year where Walter White finally owns that Lazer Tag joint.
SE: As far as Breaking Bad episodes go, there isn't much that tops this. I am so giddy right now. This episode was so fantastic. You will find no criticism here. The flash forward worked. The montage worked. The spoiler fooled me. And we finally got the Keyser Soze moment I thought would happen at the end of Season 4.
CS: Of course Landry has an in with a Neo-Nazi white supremacist group. Why wouldn't he?
SE: And the ricin didn't get used...AGAIN!
CS: That ricin is going to be a teaser forever; it’s never getting used.
Uncle Miltey isn't afraid of Heisenberg
SE: This was the writers pulling a Milton Berle. They always pull out enough to impress, but never go full monty. So Walter White is "out" huh, isn't that sweet? Well, Hank is going to pull you back in buddy!
CS: Isn't that how the bad guy always go down? A gifted Walt Whitman book? When I first saw the book, I thought it was going to be hollowed out with something stashed in it Shawshank Redemption style. I didn't even see that it was a Walt Whitman book. Of course, I also thought when Flynn went to go get the sunscreen to put on Holly that he was going to drop a little baggie of blue meth.
SE: Most productive dump ever. I thought that first shower scene was weird. Just never forget that Breaking Bad does not waste a scene. Whenever you think it is pointless, it will pendulum your ass in the face. I think Walt said it right the first time when he said, "Nothing stops this train." I mean think about it. What could he possibly do to get out? Sell his recipe? No chance that ever happens. Someone would bring him back in, but he was probably just lying anyhow.
CS: I dunno, I bet literally having a mountain of cash would be a sobering realization. I'd count all those monies many times too, just to do it.
SE: Didn't you think for a second that Walt was going to leave Jesse the entire pile, and totally punk his family?
CS: Not for a second.
SE: I can't wait to see the internet calculations on how much money that was. If only 3% of America's economy is cold hard cash, then it was all in that room.
CS: I’m watching the replay now, and I missed the part in the epic montage of how much Saul clearly hates himself now. Which is crazy that one of the sketchiest of all-time sketchy ambulance chasers actually feels dirty.
SE: Saul isn't the only one weary. Jesse was quite worried himself. That is how far Walt has come. Everyone around him is afraid. So how amazing was the montage? Does it rank up there with the Goodfellas montage?
This episode reminds me of something Billy Corgan said one time about music. It was something about how he started making music because of all of the late 80s music he heard on the radio sucked and he wanted to do something better. Well, I can sit down and write and rewrite a million scripts over a million years and never touch this level of entertainment.
CS: Never seen Goodfellas.
SE: Don't make me pop your eyeball out for not watching a mobster movie.
CS: That ranks right up there with the Rocky IV montage, which has to go on the Rushmore of all time epic montages.
SE: Somewhere, the Grantland writers are furiously putting together a montage tournament.
CS: One of my best good buddies took an AV class in college, and he had to make a montage, so he made a montage of him making a montage to the song “Montage”. That teacher shows that video to his classes now.
SE: Rad. The montage missed a scene though: Junior in the bathroom snorting the crystal blue persuasion.
CS: Do you think the DVD's will have the deleted scene of Walt throwing Skyler down on that mountain of cash and forcing himself on her?
SE: The only thing more haunting than that would be a prison shanking montage. Oh wait, we already had one of those. That had to be the darkest 5 minutes in television history. That was gruesome.
CS: Or, better yet, will it have Walt doing the backstroke in a mountain of cash like Scrooge McDuck. The prison shanktasterpiece was pretty awesome
SE: I'm not the most intelligent person in the world, but I think it would probably be a little wiser to spread that money around to several storage units. I mean, you're one good fire away from losing a billion dollars in cash. If we haven't seen Walt pissed yet, that would probably do it.
CS: Even smart people get overwhelmed. And clearly Skyler is all out of fucks. Of course, I don't get the nice convenient stack under a flowered sheet. I would have those different denominations stacked in each of the corners to ease the counting of it.
SE: So was the mountain of cash the thing that "sobered" up Walt, or was it the return of the cancer? I think he saw that mountain of cash and imagined that whole storage facility rented out with each unit full of the different denominations.
CS: Probably both. Walt having cancer is going to make him want to spend the rest of his time with the people he cares about, and giving Jesse duffel bags of cash is similar to a person who is about to commit suicide giving away their belongings.
SE: I think it also has a lot to do with how they remember him. Of course the writers have a way of making Walter somehow redeemable after he orders the deaths of 9 people in 2 minutes.
CS: The reminiscing about the old RV was a pretty sweet scene.
SE: I hope the Weeds writers watch the Blu-Ray of this season on a loop until they figure out how to plot out a season of television, because Breaking Bad just pulled a total cliffhanger to end a season, and I liked it. That hardly ever happens. We still have no clue what the M60 is for, and we don't even care. We totally got Keyser Soze'd.
So what predictions do you have going forward? I think the Hank-blamed-as-Heisenberg plot is totally at play here.
CS: Why would Hank take the fall for Heisenberg?
SE: Because Walt will MacGyver his way out of it, just watch. Hank's fingerprints are all over this thing. He showed up in perfect timing for Tuco. The cartel has come after him. He has unknowingly taken dirty money for his therapy. He will wind up on a wild goose chase after Walter and end up at a lab with his fingerprints all over it. Then a mechanical device drops a Heisenberg hat on his bald head just as Gomez shows up and has his own Keyser Soze moment. Meanwhile, Walter slowly dies in a random hospital bed.
CS: No way Skyler lets Walt do that to Hank and Marie.
SE: There is still a vial of ricin to be used bro.
CS: I think Hank simmers on it for a bit and then says something to Marie, who absolutely loses her fucking mind calling Hank insane, only to plant the doubt in her mind. Walt gives himself the ricin before he kills Skyler.
SE: By the way, I want to thank everybody that has been following along with us. I am a fan first and enjoy doing this. Secondly, I want to give a big shout out again to the guys at Bald Move; their Breaking Good podcast is the best one of them all. They actually read my random emails on the waves from time to time.
CS: I have no idea why anyone would have put up with me this long, or why you have tortured yourself with proof-reading my incoherent ramblings and random capitalization
SE: The best part of that last statement was that you put a dash in proofreading. Now say something funny to close this bitch out.
CS: I was talking about the ramblings I have written on dough that is reaching its proper age before being used to make pizza.
So…what show are we doing next? I still think it would be fun to rip a bad show to pieces.
SE: Yes! The Killing, Season Seven up next. We finally find out who killed Rosie.
CS: Nope, in Season Seven we find out the Illuminati was involved.
We leave you with Mike Ehrmantraut's first ever acting role:
Meet Walter White, he has a full head of hair, but this is not the same guy we saw in the very first episode. Walt is now operating under a false identity and buying weapons at a Denny's in preparation for Armageddon, but then again, what's new? The episode "Live Free or Die" follows Walt's transgressions as a mad man, Mike jumps back on board, and a plan is hatched to magnetize their problems away.
There must always be a Stark in Winterfell.
Stan Earnest: The first thing we see is Walt looking like reheated spinach exchanging pleasures with the same guy that sold him the .38 snub. What kind of gun did he buy this time? And is Walt's new mission to end Judgment Day before this season is over?
Craig Scholes: I have no idea, apparently I haven't watched enough Sons of Guns to be up on my fully automatic assault rifles. If I had to guess, I'd say something like an AR-15, but don't hold me to that.
SE: I don't think I will hold you to that because it looked pretty powerful, and he had quite a few rounds. Definitely looks like we could have a Scarface ending.
CS: Thanks to some clever Google work and DVR-manship, I have deduced it is a M6 Assault Rifle.
I don't know what Walt is going to do with this gun, but I imagine it will end horribly for him in epic fashion.
SE: Well done, Matlock! I will say, you also called Walt having full-blown cancer again.
CS: It's always seemed to me that for Walt to be truly carefree he would have to be dying. The ability to live with regret would really alter his decision making. Of course, you nailed Beneke still being alive.
SE: I have figured out what the weaponry is for: I am finally going to get the showdown I asked for between Beneke and Walt, because they are clearly rebuilding Beneke RoboCop style.
CS: Your RoboCop reference is way better than my Max Headroom reference. Clearly Saul's A-Team is pretty much a D-Team.
SE: This whole episode feels like another homage to Pulp Fiction like the beginning of Season Four, from the breakfast scene (how much does Denny's pay for advertising, or do they even want that kind of advertising) to the way the night shots in the car were filmed like sequences of Mia driving, which makes it fitting that Mike the Cleaner is the star of this one.
It's the one that says "Aztech Messiah" on it.
CS: I would imagine Denny's paid about as much as Dell paid. I also got the Pulp Fiction vibe in the Denny's. If only Walt's billfold said Bad Mother Fucker on it when he left the tip.
SE: What would Walt's wallet say if it was personalized? Like if it were a gift from Junior?
CS: I dunno, probably something incredibly lame; I'd go with Aztek Messiah
SE: And thus a new rock band name was born. Mike has so many great lines in this one; I can't pick a favorite, but, "Keys, scumbag, it's the international sign for keys" was pretty stout.
CS: That line did get a pretty hearty chuckle out of me. His hatred for Walt is pretty evident.
SE: Mike really deserves his own spinoff show.
CS: I wanna see the buddy comedy spinoff of Mike and Saul.
SE: He does have some balls to question Walt's magnet plan and then go in full-bore without a mask on. I laughed when he asked if they were going to drop out of the sky, and I was thinking, "Well, they did it before wearing snow masks with the little yarn balls on top."
Did you notice Skyler's tone with Beneke went from sad and horrifying to very relieved and bossy when she realized he hadn't talked? She clearly enjoys power, even if she doesn't realize it. I really hope she isn't scared all season long.
CS: I don't know what to think about Skyler. I do know that she isn't aging very well. She is probably my least favorite character on the show, and if she isn't it’s Walter Jr.
SE: Ah, the inevitable Skyler hate has its grips on you. I have no clue what direction her character is going to go.
So, Jesse has a hard time getting his thoughts out, so he plays charades with Mike and Walt. Magnets, yo.
CS: Right, that seemed the obvious answer to me; I'm disappointed that Walt didn't have the idea first. When they first brought up the laptop, I thought they were going to walk into Gus's office with a big magnet on a handle, stick it to the laptop, and leave.
S'all good, man.
SE: Walt was clearly too busy orchestrating his master poisoning plan to worry about the cameras. And I totally called Huell lifting the cigarette; we even got a Saul joke out of it.
CS: I'm surprised a man with such sausage fingers would be such an adept pickpocket.
SE: I like that Mike has clearly underestimated Team Walt/Jesse again and wanted to bail first thing after aligning with them. That discussion made the whole episode for me. It is so dark and so funny that they have to have that conversation.
CS: I find it hilarious how many phones Mike burns through.
SE: Yes, and again they are snapping flip phones in half again! What year are we in on this show? High comedy, the show hasn't lost its touch. I love that Walt really is over the top now. I think he blasted the magnets just for fun. He probably even knew the truck would tip.
CS: 42 car batteries ain't cheap either, but the coyness of Walt takes over, "21 batteries in series works great, lets run 21 more in parallel and fuck shit up."
SE: "Yes, Mr. White let's do this bitch." I don't think we got a "bitch" in this episode, but we got a "Mr. White," so that was fun. And Walt had to ask for money. Now that is a level of comedy I didn't think was attainable. Jesse is clearly enjoying his role as full-blown sidekick.
CS: Definitely. Jesse has demonstrated that he isn't a complete loser and is finally being treated accordingly.
SE: One of the main reasons I love this show I have explained before: it is meticulous and doesn't brain you with explanations of presupposition. I love that Walt has solved a problem and at the same time opened up another. Gus's fortune will now likely be seized by the feds. That was a bank account number to the Cayman Islands, right?
CS: I was going to ask you what it was. I didn't get a good look at it, but that seems like a weird place to keep a bank account number.
SE: Well, maybe it was an account for his boyfriend Max's family, because it was in a picture of Max and him. All I saw was "Cayman" and made some deductions. Vince Gilligan is a tricky bastard; I am really itching to know who Walt is going after. That was one hell of a tease in the opener.
CS: I have a suspicion that whoever Walt is either going after or protecting himself from hasn't been introduced yet.
SE: And them bastards at AMC, tricking me into watching some more of their programming by putting the preview of the next episode of Breaking Bad in the commercial break after the beginning of Small Town Security. Do you remember when Comedy Central first started and all their commercials were for Comedy Central shows? I always wondered how they made money that way. Now AMC has previews to their previews. "Coming up next, the preview that will tell you when to watch the preview of the preview, right after the first 20 minutes of some show you hadn't planned on watching."
CS: How many people do you think watched that horrible Small Town Security show for the Breaking Bad preview and The Walking Dead trailer? I was going to stick through it long enough to see The Walking Dead trailer, but I couldn't do it. I'll just wait for it to be on the webbernets Monday.
SE: Reason #2,098,309,737 the internet was invented. So, any predictions going forward?
CS: My prediction for next week: someone eats breakfast, and we are teased with something ominous without a clue what it is.
SE: Sounds reasonable, as long as Mike says "scumbag" again. I'm hoping Ron Swanson makes a guest appearance in the background with a plate full of bacon. He probably wouldn't draw his age with it, but I wouldn't put it past him to make pornographic images with bacon somehow. This episode definitely didn't toy with its food. It got right to it. Mike is on board, and Walt is back to destroying everything in his path. I am anxious to see where they start cooking again and if Walt changes his formula.
Season Four ends with Walt orchestrating his last ditch effort to kill Gus. Following the failed car bomb incident, Walt badgers Jesse for a place where he thinks Gus is vulnerable, but Jesse gets nabbed for questioning by the police about the possible ricin poisoning of Brock. Saul saves the day once again and relays information to Walt concerning the interest in the nursing home bell ringer, Hector Salamanca, who proceeds to give Hank one last spin around the wheelchair for old time's sake. If you're a fan, you know what comes next. Gus goes boom, the superlab gets torched, and we find out that Walt was the devilish poisoner of Brock all along. Come on back to Inconsiderate Prick early Monday, June 16th for the recap of Breaking Bad's Season Five opener, "Live Free or Die."
Kevin Costner starring in Walterworld
Stan Earnest: Kaboom! The last episode of Season Four is Aztek-crunched with action. Did you know the title was "Face Off?"
Craig Scholes: More like Toyota Matrix-crunched with action. I did actually know this episode was titled "Face Off", the good ol' double entendre at its best right there.
SE: Yeah, thankfully it wasn't a homage to the Travolta/Cage thriller, although there is an ironic re-watchability to that one.
Jesse takes a back seat in this one, but he is still the moral backing for the show. I loved how he chastised Walt for bringing a bomb into a hospital, and the added touch of the magnet sticking to the hospital door is that little wink of comedy we've grown accustomed to with Breaking Bad. Even when doomsday is upon Walt there is still some laughs to be had.
CS: I loved the baby bag sticking to the elevator door, I would love to see a minisode with the camera staying in the elevator to see how the Doctor reacted to the strange event. Also, it's kind of hard for Jesse to be a major player in the episode when he is basically in the pokey the entire episode.
Walt is getting better at this criminal stuff, evading the people sent to get him at his house.
SE: Fun fact: the lady he sent over to flush out the goons was played by Vince Gilligan's mom. That was a point where I was like whoa, Walt really is willing to do anything. I like how he endangers everyone he comes into contact with in this episode. Another fantastic touch was Walt exiting Saul's broken door in the same way he broke in instead of just unlocking it. And how about a golf clap for Saul's assistant? Extorting the great Heisenberg was a well-played move.
CS: It's very conceivable that Walt and Jesse aren't actually paying Saul enough money.
SE: If it's the 5% Walt ground him down to when he re-upped, it definitely isn't enough. Saul has saved their asses more than once. I love YouTubing compilations of Saul quotes. And it sounds like Jesse has been following House as closely as Old Man Duggan.
CS: I really want to know how Hector's comments to the DEA ended. Suck my ferret? Fuchsia?
It was a pretty spectacular plan to have Hector fuck with the DEA one last time. Have they ever disclosed what Hector Salamanca has? I would assume its Lou Gehrig's Disease.
SE: Yeah, it's likely ALS because of the oxygen, as the neuromuscular symptoms of the disease hinder breathing, but I'm about to get all psychology nerd up in these digs. It could be a stroke with damage to Broca's area in the brain, the section that is largely responsible for speech. Damage to the area can cause weird things to happen with language, like with Hector, where he understands language because other areas of the brain process it, such as the frontal lobe, but he can't speak. Patients that have undergone split-brain surgery to cure severe epilepsy experience similar problems when viewing items with the left eye, which is processed in the right brain which doesn't have a Broca's area; they can point to the word corresponding to what they saw but can't speak it. This can seem very confusing to the person, but with both functioning eyes witnessing the object there is no problem and split-brain patients complete almost any normal life task with no difficulty. With that said, I researched and didn't realize ALS patients still had bladder control (the DEA is not impressed), so it is likely Stephen Hawking's Disease. Shouldn't we rename diseases by the most recent famous person that has it just for awareness?
CS: It's kind of remarkable how long Stephen Hawking has lived with ALS. After having checked with the official internet fact checker Wikipedia (which has never been wrong), it was in fact a stroke. And apparently Hector can still wink, because he shot one at Hank as he was being wheeled away.
SE: Wow, all that schooling is actually paying off. So I know Mike has some inside info on the cop front, but there almost certainly has to be someone close in the DEA tipping Gus's team off to Hector's "chattiness." I'm not discounting Gomez from the equation; he may have only had time get out a modicum of info and couldn't share the poignancy of Hector's messages. Gomez gave the lab entrance an awful strange look while surveying the laundry, and he's still sporting the Walt goat you know.
CS: I'm still dying to know who the cartel member's brother is, which leads me to believe it is Gomez; he didn't leave Albuquerque for very long when he got that promotion that Hank turned down.
SE: I thought the brother was just a local Mexican sheriff, but not much info was given from that phone call. The previews for Season Five show some scene with commotion at a police department, so maybe we'll find out.
So, as fellow Inconsiderate Prick Wordy Ginters put it, "Gus goes boom." Apparently the writers have had that particular idea for ending Gus on their "big board" for a long time, and it took them a while to figure out what pieces would fit to get to Hector's bell being the instrument that ignites the demise. I just want to give praise to Gilligan for shooting Gus's death march into the nursing home with some intense, sentimental music. We know Gus is a goner. That is how Walt becomes Scarface. I appreciate not being insulted and getting a sort of tribute to Gus at the same time.
Every time it comes on TBS, you can't leave the house.
CS: I thought the idea was great, and clever. Using Hector's bell as the device to end Gus was fantastic. I also loved the sheer look of panic on Gus's face when he realizes he's been had, but Jesus Christ, that cartoonish walk out of the room missing half a face was pretty stupid. I get that it's TV, and they were trying to create a superhuman--albeit brief--image, but I hated Two-Face Gus.
SE: Fun fact: The Walking Dead team helped with the Two-Face Gus makeup and effects. Was it a little hokey? Okay, I will give you that, yes, but for me the whoa factor was worth it. I am not talking about the visual effects that a lot of people were fans of, but rather the split-second where I thought Gus was still alive. I was pissed in that moment--my biggest fear is the show getting bombastic and formulaic--and then Gus straightens his tie and crumbles. Is it entirely implausible? Not at all. I've seen a guy on foot get clocked by a 50 MPH train with my own eyes, and he was still alive and moaning for an hour. I've heard EMT friends tell me disgusting stories of trying to save guys that they knew were brain dead from a skull crush, were still moving, and (**warning gross alert**) spewing chunks of brain matter. So shortly after first-viewing I convinced myself I liked the over-the-top shot. At least we know immediately and definitively that Gus is dead.
CS: I'll concede most of that, and I didn't mind him stumbling out of the room as much as how ridiculous it looked. My problem with it was that it looked like he took all of the damage to the one side of his face. Having said all of that, yes, at least we know that he is definitely dead.
SE: My soul cringes because there are people that actually theorize that Gus is still alive. I think that, like most post Season Two Breaking Bad plots, Gus's death is not necessarily about the fact that it happened, but how it happened. It happened because he underestimated Walter White in much the same way that Don Eladio underestimated him. No matter how cold and calculated he had become, he couldn't detach himself from the emotional weight he wanted to release on to Hector Salamanca.
CS: This show is different than other dramas. Most shows are about the story, where Breaking Bad is actually about Walt. The show really couldn't go on without him, so it's about how he evolves, as pretty much every other character is disposable. There really isn't a supporting character in Breaking Bad that could get offed that would anger me. This isn't to say that I wouldn't be bummed if certain characters were killed, but I am also very much interested in how Walt would take on any new challenges.
SE: I want to know how Walt snagged Gus's henchman and got him in that elevator. Jesse definitely has to be looking at Walt in a different light now. He is competent and ruthless. Not only did he dust Gus, but he smoked the other two clowns without any hesitation, and Kafka's snub-nose finally gets some use. They definitely weren't part of Gus's A-Team.
How about the destruction of the superlab? That was masterful. One more shout of praise for the music. I know the music team contemplated several different tracks for that scene and finally found a song written by the teenage Taalbi Brothers, a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old. I don't know about you Craig, but that just pisses me off. I've been playing guitar for 12 years, practicing three to four hours a day for probably three or four years in the middle of that stretch, and I have never written anything as technical or cool-sounding as "Freestyle". Kudos young men. Kudos.
CS: Walt was all like, "I hate my job. I'm gonna burn this mother down." I'm a total fan of the way the lab was torched. I've been playing guitar for about twelve years now, and I'm lucky if I pick mine up every three or four weeks, there is no excuse for me not to be better at that thing than I am. One of these days I may just bite the bullet and actually take lessons.
SE: Bite the hollow-point and find a good guitar instructor. I progressed more in the first three weeks of lessons than I had in the first year of playing solo, but I also happened to have a worldwide superstar guitar teacher, Jason Riley. I am not joking, that guy has played all over the world, has about ten bands he gigs with, and works with the incomparable, Pulitzer Prize nominated Anthony Glise from time to time. If one is ever serious about guitar, those are guys to look up.
The phone call to Skyler was pure genius from Gilligan and Co. Instead of just saying it was over or that it wasn't him that orchestrated the whole deal or just anything that wouldn't shake Skyler to the core, he says, "I won." Walt is a complete madman now.
CS: Definitely. Walt has full on swung to the dark side now, and I fully expect that next season he is the guy to fear. Pretty much the only guy that isn't going to be scared of him is Mike. I can't wait to see how that dynamic evolves.
SE: There was an original line on the hospital parking garage roof where Jesse was supposed to say, "Mike is gonna be pissed." That is a good line; I kind of wish they would have left it in. I have to admit that I haphazardly stumbled upon the surprise that ends Season Four. That Apollo Sunshine song was so great that I YouTubed the scene from the previous episode where Walt is playing spin the .38 just to listen to the song a few times and noticed Walt pausing in pensiveness when it pointed towards that plant, and I figured it out. Walt really is going to be more evil than Gus ever thought about being.
CS: It just seems like a convoluted idea to go through Brock. I don't get the motivation for using him, or how you could logically go through him to accomplish what needed to be done, and that's for Gus or Walt. It just seems to me the Gus and Walt battle could have been done without dragging Jesse through a furlong of shit again. Regardless, I don't think there is any doubt that Walt has broken bad.
SE: Walt basically had a day before he or his family was dead, so he just closed his eyes and threw the haymaker. He had to find some way to get Jesse back into his camp. I'm positive Huell lifted the cigarette pack off of Jesse too, but how deep was Saul involved? Did Saul give Brock a poisonous Baby Ruth or something? I hope we get a flashback scene to some of this for Season Five, but that isn't really how the show works. Flashbacks are used on this show to advance the plot line forward, not muddy it with this-is-how-it-happened scenes. I thought for sure that Season Four was going to end with a Keyser Soze moment for Hank, maybe while Junior and him witnessed Walt meet with Gus on a stakeout, but now Hank might think he has already found "Heisenberg". You have any predictions for Season Five? I would be pretty disappointed if we didn't get a Gus flashback pretty fresh into the new season.
CS: I think they can definitely throw in a flashback to what went down with the end of Season Four. Mainly because Brock is old enough to be asked questions. As for genuine predictions, I think we find out that Walt has full-blown inoperable cancer. His coughing really started pick up with "The Fly" episode, and clearly Hank is going to find out at some point. It's really only a matter if the cancer is bad enough that he isn't going to try soil the name of a dying man.
SE: Interesting, so Hank might find out and then break bad himself to save Walt's family from shame. That would be one hell of a standoff. A lot of people, including myself, have predicted that Walt will eventually kill Hank, but I will tell you why that is not likely to happen: Skyler knows who Walt really is now and if Hank turns up missing, Marie and Skyler will be tougher for Walt to deal with than the cartel and Gus combined.
CS: I don't think Hank not selling him out would necessarily be him "breaking bad." I guess it would depend on how much time Walt had left. I still don't see Walt killing his own, including the in-laws. I do see something happening to his immediate family, maybe a kidnapping or even a family death.
SE: At first, I thought that Season Five would provide Walt with a new enemy to run from or destroy, but the more I think about what happened, with Gus's team being decimated and the cartel to blame for it, the more I think the show might just fill the rest of Walt's prophesy by putting a brick on the gas pedal and letting an insane Heisenberg run rampant with no ax-wielding enemies to track him down. This has certainly been touched on by the AMC promos. Hell at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Walt dug up some Uranium-235 and torched half of New Mexico just for a laugh. The writers have done their job and then some. I am just going to kick back and watch Walt scorch every bridge he crosses.
However, there are a lot of loose ends left. Did Gus's lab cameras leave any recordings behind? Who exactly was Gustavo Fring in his Chile years? Is Beneke dead?
CS: I doubt the lab black box will be recovered, as I doubt Gus was dumb enough to have any type of backed-up surveillance to incriminate him. I'd like to see how Gus became a successful business man in Chile, and Beneke is definitely dead. Also, there is always a cartel, and I imagine they will be more than willing to try to move into a perceived weakness in the New Mexican market.
SE: I guess I am clinging to the idea of Ted surviving his kerfuffle with Chekhov's rug for one final skirmish with Walt. From the looks of it, Mike is going to be forced onto Team White, but, like you said, it will be interesting to see how that conversation goes down. If Walt could punk Mike, that would be some kind of a feat. Any chance Mike has any new faith in Walt, or will he just be happy to have his old job back? Another loose end is the video of Pinkman cooking meth in the scum lab that might be circulating on the Mexican black market.
CS: Mike is a very practical man, I don't think he cares who he works for, he just knows not to bite the hand that feeds. So provided that Walt pays him properly, Mike is going to do his job and not really say anything about it.
SE: But what if Mike and Gus were secret lovers?
CS: That would be insane, though highly unlikely.
SE: There is a good chance that Mike will think that Gus's death was solely the cartel's work anyhow. Or do you think Walt is crazy enough at this point to sack up to it?
One thing we know about Season Five is that Walt and Jesse are going to continue to cook their blue meth. Any chance Walt sifts through his old buddies and finds a Gale type to hook him up with some lab equipment and maybe work for him? I know I bet Jesse and Walt wish they had the time to lift some of that pricey equipment from the superlab before it got toasted. Then again, if they keep Mike happy, I'm sure he has the connect.
CS: I think Mike is smart enough to know that Walt did this, but I
also don't think Mike had any real loyalties to Gus.
Of course the blue meth is going to still be manufactured, hell they
may even get themselves a new Winnebago temporarily until they can get
a more secure setup. The hard part isn't the lab equipment, it's the
materials.
SE: I have just one final plea to all television shows before we close this mother out: please stop with the "previously on" segments directly before a show airs. The annoying segments where every single plot line that is to come is spelled out in spliced clips from the show's past episodes, like Gus, have to go. Dexter is the worse about this, showing like two-to-three minute versions of these. Look, I know that the goal is to get as many viewers as possible and if people watch the show for the first time without knowing a key plot line it might detract them from the show, but any real fan would back track to figure out what was missed. There is nothing worse than getting all excited for what is to come in the episode and the "previously on" segment tips it off. It's a cheap way to shave a minute or two off of a television budget, and it must end. Give me all the preseason promo videos and pics as possible, but don't dick with me in season. And to Breaking Bad, if there is a super-violent scene, don't tip that off with a violent warning directly before the scene. Pay the FCC guy off or something. Good television is a commodity rarely witnessed, and I want to enjoy every second of it while this show lasts.
CS: I hate to rain on your rant, but I don't mind the episode
previews. I don't understand why they don't just run the same warning
before every episode. It would be easy to just show the warning with
every mature subject in the season, listing that the episode may have one
or more of the following.
"How much to put the Winnebago back together?"
SE: They do serve a purpose, and it's essentially what we do at the beginning of these articles, but some steps have to be taken to avoid a tip off. When something from ten episodes ago is shown it is pretty obvious that subject or certain character will be touched on in the coming episode. I think they need to be more concise and more vague. It's a fine line.
It's weird, I don't have any problem with Breaking Bad tipping off viewers with the plethora of sneak previews and photos preseason. But Breaking Bad is an anomaly; I think I could read the entire script beforehand and still enjoy the show. I'll leave with a preview pic that shows Walt, Mike, and Jesse back together in a junk yard. You have to be happy that Carl from Billy Madison makes a triumphant return right?
CS: Super stoked for the return of Crazy Carl, I cant wait to see
what other laws he has mastery of that give him an advantage in his shady business
dealings.
Ok, folks, see you Monday. We look to cover each episode throughout Season Five, which will sadly only be eight weeks long for now. Look for an article each Monday morning. We don't have the privilege of having an advanced screening, so give us at least a couple of hours to deconstruct the episode and post our thoughts, and, as always, comments are encouraged and we will likely respond. If you have an idea or theory about the show--maybe Walt is going to start trying the product and get all Tuco'd out--we want to hear it.
I initially started writing this post as soon as I finished watching the series premiere. I fell asleep while writing it and never really came back to it until it was far too late. This is probably for the best.
You see, I have begun to think that maybe it is best if I do not comment on shows until seasons have run their course. Sure, there will be exceptions here and there, but as someone who primarily watches serialized television, it always feels like I'm writing about the first three chapters of a book or the opening act of a movie when I write about a pilot or season premiere of a show with season arcs.
*****SPOILERS ABOUNDING*****
The first season of The Walking Dead, a Frank Darabont produced adaptation of the synonymous comic book series,completed its six-episode run last night. Its premiere was pretty damn great--essentially a Southern gothic retelling of 28 Days Later. There were these oddly soothing almost pastoral scenes cut into the madness that the Rick Grimes (played by Andrew Lincoln*) awakens from a coma into. It also contained the most affective scene in the entire first season, one in which the man who first comes to Rick's aid tries to pull the trigger on his zombified wife. This moment successfully elucidates what the world has devolved into, with Morgan's pain as he trains the sight on her tearing your heart out.
*Who I luckily did not remember from the particularly cloying and distastefully saccharine Love Actually that I have apparently mostly blocked out to protect myself from repeated harm. Instead, when I started watching, it just felt like I was watching a guy who was channeling Josh Lucas, which I can deal with.
The similarities between the pilot, "Days Gone By," and 28 Days Later are pretty obvious, and it was really hard to watch the episode without linking the two. Things could be worse, of course, but the familiarity of the protagonist's circumstances didn't help make things feel fresh. The thing that set it apart was the fact that he was also searching for his family, who he believed to still be alive. He sets off for Atlanta from the rural Georgian county that he was a sheriff's deputy in and finds it to be in the throes of a full-blown zombie apocalypse. After being cornered and trapped inside a tank, he is contacted via short-wave radio by a looker-on.
The second episode picks up at this point, and Rick ends up joining with a group of survivors, helping them orchestrate their escape from a hairy situation in the city. Now, despite the similarities between the Danny Boyle zombie masterpiece 28 Days Later and the pilot, it was a rather compelling 70 minutes, and there were few problems. The second episode is solid, but it seems like after the first episode the pacing is a little off. By the beginning of the third episode, he has already found his family because the group of survivors that came to his rescue in Atlanta were running a scavenger mission for a camp in which his family was staying in. This coincidence is a little too convenient, and it seems like Darabont and the writing staff probably should have drawn out his quest for his family a bit longer. After all, prolonging his search only builds the dramatic tension and creates a deeper conflict when he reappears to a wife who has been sleeping with his former partner.
These second and third episodes are interesting. I may have issues with the pacing being too brisk, but the first three episodes are pretty strong. The fourth episode, "Vatos," was simply not that good. The hostage exchange storyline and the ensuing discovery of the elderly and infirmed colony is basically a dead two-thirds of an episode. Nothing interesting happens until the camp is descended upon by a bunch of walkers as the guys are re-approaching the camp. In the penultimate episode, "Wildfire," too much time is dedicated to the Amy/Andrea storyline, and then it is discovered that Jim (essentially a 'red shirt') was bitten in the attack. Both of these stories consume the episode. It certainly seems like this series is going to be centrally concerned with how we hold onto what makes us human in circumstances as dire as these. I get that much of what I'm complaining about in the fifth episode is doing just that, but it is simply not that interesting here, especially Andrea's near catatonia while she waits for Zombie Amy to arise.
Then comes the finale... The only part that stuck out as being extraordinary was the flashback sequence in the beginning of the episode, showing Shane in the hospital trying to evacuate Rick. While he's trying to take Rick out, the military is massacring innocent people in the hospital. Showing what actually happened as things reached the boiling over point seemed like a harbinger of doom, looming over the entire episode, was probably the most interesting part of the last half of the season.
As the season comes to a close, everything looks pretty damn bleak. Their hope is extinguished as the CDC blows up (crappy effects), and they are left to move on. Aimless. With survival being their only objective.
While there probably needed to be at least two other episodes placed before the third episode, the first season was certainly solid enough to keep watching. It had its flaws, but Andrew Lincoln is a compelling lead, and let's face it, there aren't any other zombie shows on the tube. Until there are, this is probably the only place we'll be able to get our fix.
