Your Favorite TV Shows: Zombie Edition

Well folks, Craig and I haven’t littered the interwebs with any pop culture psychobabble in a while, so we are making an epic return, discussing some of our favorite TV shows as if they underwent the impending zombie apocalypse. After all, The Walking Dead is hell-bent on shoving ghost Lorie down our throats, so we thought instead of ripping on the flaws of The Walking Dead we would create hypothetical zombie apocalypses of our own.

Craig Scholes: UGGGHHH!!!! Why did you even have to mention Lorie? Nobody even liked that bitch when she was alive; but, yeah, I’m kind of jealous I didn't have this idea to use on my podcast. CROSS PROMOTION! If only we knew famous comedians to plug our work, then we could have a David Cross Promotion.

Stan Earnest: Yes folks, Craig has a podcast. If you want to hear about condors meeting their demise in the grates of Chevy Blazers or vehicles missing their steering wheels in Taco Bell parking lots and the such, have a listen.

CS: Hey, we also talk about dirty toilets... but anyway. To continue with our "theme" as you astutely pointed out to me via text message: a Breaking Bad Zombie Apocalypse has some amazing potential for epic badassery. Hold up, let me get the door… I ordered Chinese for supper. They told me it would take 45 minutes, and it was here in less than seven.

SE: Them Chinese work hard...or should I say wok hard? We are going to be taking bad puns to a whole new level this time around.

CS: Wok Hard: The Ming Cox Story

SE: So should we inform our audience where we have been at lately?

CS: Sure, I've been on an expedition in lower Estonia hunting Chupacabras.

SE: Ok, well then, I can’t beat that. I’ve just been trying to feed my family. Since y’all know us as the Breaking Bad guys we better touch on that show first. We do know that Walt and Jesse have plenty of gas masks, so they could survive any airborne zombie virus, although I'm not quite certain how The Walking Dead virus works. You can basically fuck a zombie without contracting anything, but if one scratches you, you're dead.

CS: Right, can you imagine Walt and Jesse navigating a post-apocalyptic world in the Crystal Ship?

SE: Oh man, Skyler would totally turn to the blue. She wouldn't be able to handle it. Speaking of which... Walt and Jesse would have a whole new clientele. Zombies are typically slow; imagine the damage they could do on meth.

CS: Would this transform, say Walking Dead "walkers”, into superfast running Zombies, say like Rage-induced-28-Days-Later mode?

SE: Flynn would have a hell of a time outrunning those monsters. So is he the first to go?

CS: Cripple McDipshit doesn't stand a chance, but he is the obvious answer. It would probably be someone like Beneke.

SE: Oh, holy shit. Zombie-Robocop-Max-Headroom Benecke. YES!

CS: If Breaking Bad follows The Walking Dead model, they take the two most annoying women and make them last seemingly forever. Is Skyler the Lorie character, or the Andrea character?

SE: Hmmm, she is kind of a mix of the both of them.

CS: Right. Heck she is even a little bit of Crazy Rick.

SE: Walt is most definitely Shane, in that he would understand the situation and immediately celebrate Darwinian science.

CS: I'd say he is a cross between Rick and Shane; or: Walt is Rick, and Heisenberg is Shane.

SE: I would love to see Saul in the zombie apocalypse. He would be hiding out in his lair, freaked to the max, and be forced to sleep with his clerks.

CS: Or Saul could wind up being very crafty in that type of situation. He is pretty sketchy at taking advantage of shitty situations Clearly Gustavo would be the Governor right?

SE: Stole the words right from my zombiefied brain. Problem is that the Governor is so careless. Gus was the antipathy of carelessness. One thing is for sure, Gus is already ready for the apocalypse. He doesn't even need any more makeup.

CS: How would Gale go about making his sweet coffee of the gods in the Zombie apocalypse?

SE: Oh man, he would have a team of zombies brewing it for him. Just like Bernard or whatever the name of that dumbfuck scientist the Governor employs is.

CS: Oh man, Tuco Salamanca... Merle! Zero common sense, kind of a bad ass, and has a hair trigger.

SE: Ok, well, my top 5 final survivors would be: Walt (he would probably offer the baby up for zombie feed before he got got), Jesse (just because we would want never ending "Yeah, bitches!"), Saul (crafty), Hank, and my one wildcard pick: Marie. Marie would be at peace with all the looting she could accomplish.

CS: Seems solid, what if we applied the Zombie Apocalypse to other shows... say Arrested Development. Could you imagine GOB trying to outrun zombies on his Segway all whilst having lighter fluid shooting out his sleeves on the way to the Aztec Tomb?

SE: He could hide for years in the Aztec Tomb. Talk about cross promotion: the Aztek! The Pontiac Aztek already is a zombie though.

CS: How long could Lucile survive in her penthouse with nothing but Vodka?

SE: A long time, that cunt is pickled, and I see the dumb brother surviving out of pure luck.

CS: Well Buster IS A MONSTER, with his hooked hand. We also would get to see Buster making good use of his Cartography skills deciphering maps and ultimately getting them in worse situations.

SE: Zombie The Fonz would be classic.

CS: You know even after becoming Zombiefied he'd still have a greased pompadour. We'd also get to see the classic scene where Zombie Fonz gets hit with a baseball bat, and he falls into a jukebox and it comes on.

SE: What about Seinfeld? Jerry would last forever on his cereal stash. And zombie Kramer would be a riot.

CS: What’s the deal with all these walkers? I mean it’s like they aren't even human!

You know Costanza would become a Zombie in the first 5 minutes of the first episode, probably from licking an envelope.

SE: I don't know, I think he would be crafty like a cockroach and survive, if only to annoy the rest of the survivors. Although they could have a recurring theme where he starts out unzombiefied every episode and then turns at some point in each one.

CS: Costanza would be the guy to get infected in the first episode, but it takes him 7 seasons to fully turn and you get to hear about him bitch about how awful it is the entire time.

SE: Full disclosure: George Costanza is on my Mount Rushmore of favorite TV characters.

CS: It doesn't really matter who is on your Rushmore of TV Characters because Ron Swanson would be the guy to carve it.

SE: Walter White, George Costanza, Al Swearengen, and Omar, carved by Swanson. I have a thing for insufferable bastards. The Wire? We shouldn't even discuss that one; they are all survivors on that show. What about Mad Men? They would have very few tokens to kill off; a main character would die weekly.

CS: All I know about Zombie Wire, is that Omar wouldn't die... ever. Mad Men, I think they are all pretty soft in reality. Roger Sterling and Don Draper are the only two with any stones at all in that show. The rest of them are just a bunch of office yuppies. Pete wouldn't last a day. Lane would have bare knuckle brawled his way through some shit though.

SE: Betsy is clearly the Lorie character and would last about 50 episodes too long.

CS: Peggy is a survivor. I just hope we at some point in Mad Men Zombie spinoff still get to see epic Alexis Bledel sideboob.

SE: Evil, droopy, zombie side boob.

CS: Seems like we would at least have to mention Zombie Full House.

SE: Cut. It. Out.

CS: Zombie John Stamos would still be a solid 8 on the man pretty scale

SE: If there is TV in the zombie apocalypse, it would be nothing but Full House reruns. I mean it is about all you need: family oriented with a little spank material and you can always bag on Bob Saget.

CS: Can you imagine how much nasty saggy titty they would show on The Walking Dead if it were on HBO? It would be a thousand times worse than all the dudity and awkward boob shots that they show in Game of Thrones.

SE: You just gave me a horrifying thought: Zombie Girls.

CS: [SHUDDER]

SE: At least they could sew Ned Stark's head back on, and he could remain in rule. I would pay pay-per-view money to see Ned Stark behead that guitarist from the band fun. that the girl from Girls is dating or whatever.

CS: The band fun. makes me want to kick puppies...shelter houses full of puppies. There actually would probably be less killing in Game of Thrones if it were a zombie show.

SE: It drives me crazy that there are no animals on The Walking Dead. I want a fucking zombie squirrel goddamnit.

CS: ZOMBIE DRAGONS! Also I can't believe The Walking Dead hasn't snuck any Cranberries into the soundtrack. Could you imagine Zombie Office? At least then we would have Andy Bernard singing some Cranberries.

SE: I think we are missing possibly the greatest crossover show ever: Zombie MacGyver!

CS: Wouldn't MacGyver be able to solve the Zombie Apocalypse problem with some toe nail clippers, a wet napkin and an empty tube of toothpaste?

SE: I'm thinking he would become the all-time zombie death total leader.

CS: But it still wouldn't be as epic as Woody from Cheers crossing paths with Woody from Zombieland.

SE: They can cure themselves from zombiefication by pickling their bodies with expired Hostess products and Old Style.

PS:
CS:  If you care to check out my podcast you can do so here

Tube Steak: The Hour

With The Hour set to make its Series Two premiere on American airwaves Wednesday night on BBC America, now seems as good a time as any to sing its praises. The first series--a swift six hours that will re-air in its entirety on BBC America starting Wednesday at noon ET/11:00 am CT leading up to the 9 ET/8 CT Series Two premiere--is a clinic in taut, suspenseful storytelling in the realm of period drama.

Perhaps the best and certainly the laziest way for me to explain what is so great about The Hour is to tell you that if you were to build a show from the strongest elements of The Newsroom (The Hour had its first series run well before The Newsroom ever started airing) and Mad Men, both of which are extremely flawed to me, and inject an element of intrigue absent from either program, you would end up with Abi Morgan's spectacular program about a fledgling news program in mid-1950s England, running up against the powers that be as they try to hold their lens to a more truthful version of the story that the government wants them to tell in regards to the Suez Crisis. As the news program--led by female producer Bel Rowley (Romola Garai), fronted by Hector Madden (Dominic West), and fueled by Freddie Lyon's (Ben Whishaw) drive and insatiable journalistic hunger--works to fight censorship from the very arm of government that airs it, Morgan uses The Hour as a platform by which to also explore gender inequality, espionage, adultery, murder, and government conspiracy against the backdrop of the rapidly changing culture of mid-century England.

In terms of the show's mise-en-scene, the production design and art direction are top notch, and it is beautifully shot. 1950s England is unwaveringly brought to the screen. The fact that the storytelling is compelling could just be gravy if it didn't stand out so well on its own merits.

Basically, get your shit together and set your DVR to record BBC America's rebroadcast of the first season of The Hour, and then record each new episode. You won't regret it.

Series One Teaser



Series Two Teaser

Wordy Old Men on Boardwalk Empire: Season Three, Episode Two "Spaghetti & Coffee"

While Nucky is away sort of tending to business and sort of tending to Billie Kent in the NYC, Eli gets out of prison and begins working under Mickey Doyle. Gyp Rosetti takes up root in Tabor Heights to block the way between Atlantic City and New York. No goldfish were harmed in the filming of this episode.

Old Man Duggan: So an entire episode without either Harrow or Van Alden is a sad one, but the world keeps spinning on its axis. At least the specter of Harrow's bold act at the conclusion of "Resolutions" looms over the proceedings herein.

Wordy Ginters: Building blocks. Bricks were laid with future mayhem in mind. Still, it is a buzzkill to endure an episode without some of Boardwalk Empire's best characters.

OMD: Starting at the top, we are presented with two potentially innocent victims who are mercifully spared by the larger Powers That Be. First, the goldfish, dumped from its bowl into the sink left to, well, do whatever the opposite of drowning is, only to be spared that dire fate at the cost of a glass of whiskey, of course. Second, the gas station attendant. If there were any question as to whether or not Gyp Rosetti's introduction was an effective one, you need look no further than the tension that fills the scene with that kid. Motor oil? Map scaling? Both petty corrections that could result in one's death, I suppose, at least when those corrections are directed at Gyp Rosetti--or do we call him D.L. "Pop" Collingsworth now?

WG: Gyp reminded me a little bit of Nosferatu walking around in that long coat with the black gloves. Terence Winter did a nice job of setting Gyp's character at full-on menace. That he ultimately restrained himself this week is a nice touch too. Who knows what he'll do? What do you think happened to Pop Collingsworth? The Italian accent drifts into Super Mario Brothers territory from time to time, but the "everybody has a gotta the guns" scene was as good as it looked in the previews.

OMD: Eli wastes no time, does he? "Let me ask you something, Mickey: How the fuck are you still alive?" I, for one, am glad that someone asked the question that has been nagging at me every moment I watch him do anything. It's even better that it is the great Shea Whigham who gets to chew on that line. And the hand on the leg? Great touch.

WG: Mickey is irritating. I'm going to call my shot and suggest Gyp rub's him out eventually. I cackled when Eli said that straight away on account of you asking the same question last week. No one knows the answer. With the shipment to Rothstein getting queered, and Manny pushing up daisies, Mickey may be losing his value.

OMD: Samuel comes a-courtin'. Can you imagine the media attention young Samuel would get if he were an athlete this day and age? Jesus, all the subcutaneously racist buzzwords would get thrown in his direction. And, of course, when Maybelle is given the opportunity at the life that both her father, Chalky, and Samuel want for her, she attempts to piss it away, favoring the excitement that the danger inherent her father's way of life could bring. Well, she favors that until she's presented with the harsh reality of that danger. I'm pretty sure she shat herself. Samuel, however, got his druthers about him rather quickly and began to tend to his severely bludgeoned assailant. You think Maybelle still wants to walk on the wild side, or is she done wanting to slum it? All that really matters though is that we get more Michael K. Williams.

WG: Maybelle definitely gains a better understanding of the distance between whispered stories of jazz speakeasies with her brother in the safety of her house, and the hot, sweaty, unpredictable reality underneath the glare of bare bulbs in a real roadhouse. I liked that Samuel, the Jacque Vaughn of Boardwalk Empire characters, side-steps Chalky to tend to the man who carved his cheek. The dude who plays Samuel did a great job of alternately trembling like a bunny, and then forcing himself the courage to deal, i.e., regulate the motion offense from the point, knock down the money free throws at the end, and then dazzle Bob Davis by using 4 syllable words and being polite in the post-game presser.

I don't know if devil_fingers lurks in these parts, but it would be interesting to hear his take on the jazz in this episode, and the series in general. Chalky mentions something about a Professor from Kansas City who beat on his piano pretty good, I wonder if it was Count Basie? Also a reference to a King and Carter number. Klaassen, reveal thine self and share the jazz love in the comments section.

OMD: I also like the parallel drawn between Chalky and Eli in this episode. Both wanting better lives for their children. Both having lived lives with a modest amount of success but having had to make sacrifices of themselves to get where they were. Then they are faced with their children not embracing the lives they envisioned for them. Did their respective sacrifices of character poison the well from which their families drink? At the very least, I can answer Chalky's question. Yes, you're interesting now.

WG: Excellent question. Seems like Chalky's kids are well-suited to succeed. He can't read, if I recall correctly. But his children appear to be headed for bigger and better things, college for example, which was pretty rare for African-Americans back in the '20s. I assume the incident at the speakeasy has washed away any lingering fantasies about living a bohemian lifestyle that Maybelle had. Maybe not. Eli's kids seem like they are in a tougher spot. Will obviously resents Eli. Didn't even open up his present from a few years ago, and has quite literally taken over man of the house duties. Even his clothes looked too small, like he was growing over the course of a few scenes to further illustrate how he made the move from boy to man in Eli's absence.

Dr. Mason, I presume?

OMD: So Dr. Mason is a douche. He certainly does have "a maddening way." More importantly, doesn't it just feel like the actor Patrick Kennedy is channeling French Stewart. Also, appalling tobacco? Is that code for something? And a Catholic Hospital? Do we think Dr. Mason simply wants to educate about birth control or something far more nefarious? Abortions for all the poor, perhaps?

WG: I think he was inferring that they spend an inordinate amount of time covering up child abuse within the diocese, doesn't leave the resources necessary for pre-natal outreach.

OMD: What do you think Gyp said to Sheriff Sickles between the point at which Sickles tried to give them the ol' heave-ho from the hospitable Kinneret Lodge and Tabor Heights with the head on back to New York line and when they're cowering in fear in the street telling the booze caravan to turn tail.

WG: Very effective to leave that bit of business off screen. Only helps Gyp grow in stature. Sickles is still alive. So I'm guessing Gyp crushed his palm with paper. With favors of more sweets to come. Or more likely, totally bulldog bullied him into turning traitor.

I got a big kick out of Gyp and his henchman forcing down the diner's spaghetti and meatballs. Reminded me of the faces on the gang at Downton Abbey after Daisy sabotaged some of Patmore's dishes.

OMD: Just like mom made. Would you put $40K in a fishbowl, sight of contact unseen?

WG: Remus did. Remus is what Remus does. I don't think I would have. More out of fear than bravado. Seemed too shady. The Gaston Bullock Means character was a trip. He'd fit in nicely in a David Lynch movie. Cryptic. Intense. Knew too much. I loved how he insinuated that Smith and Daugherty were gay.

OMD: Bringing Jimmy James into the fold is never a bad idea. I'm just glad that he's not a fish killer. Stephen Root should be in everything, especially when being called upon to generally confuse all those with whom he interacts.

It seems that Nucky spends the episode living in a haze like Don Draper in The Village, running from the life he fought/lied/cheated/killed for, finally obtained, and now has mixed feelings about having gotten in the first place. And in Billie's apartment, the razor blade? I mean I get what's going on with the razor (it's not his), but why did he take the blade from the razor in the first place? Obviously, if he can kill his figurative son, the gloves are probably off, but are we to view the temporary removal of a razor blade as a brief flirtation with killing Season Three's Paz de la Huerta in a jealous rage? And leaving Mr. Sleater out to dry? Obviously, he doesn't know he's shirking off an urgent phone call for himself, but I suppose that's what happens when the King tries to run away from the throne.

WG: I read it as a possible way for him to emasculate his various competitors. She IS a vivacious young woman. Nothing more emasculating than staring at a mirror with a face covered in of ridiculous cream, and nothing to raze it with. Stealing their razors. Sending a message. Could completely be a prelude to a Soprano's style goomar whacking as well.

OMD: That seems a much more likely reading of that scene than mine.

WG: I wonder if there is anything more to the playing pool at Rothstein's place scene. Nucky and Rothstein engage in their usual bon mots chess match (Nucky has a nice habit of zeroing in on exactly the issue at hand with his speech, usually clouded in some social nicety.) Rothstein runs the table as easily as he ferrets out Nucky's knowledge of the Manny murder, and the depth of his relationship with Billie. The one point where he gets stopped in his tracks is when Nucky, absentmindedly, I think, gives the wrong date for a shipment of booze. Rothstein stuffs the pool cue in the corner pocket and gets assertive and says I hope your boys have calendars. Now that the booze run has been put on hold, I wonder if the little moment of confusion Nucky had over the date of the delivery is going to get him into hot water. 

OMD: It's hard to say whether or not that will play out at all. One would assume it would, but I can't imagine Nucky doesn't relay news of the obstructionist Gyp setting up shop as Pop Collingsworth.

WG: Ordinary men avoid trouble. Extraordinary men turn it to their advantage. This has to be about as close a definition of private equity work as I've ever heard.

OMD: Pretty on-point there. That said, Mitt Romney must have been horrible at it, judging by his complete inability to avoid trouble on the campaign trail, this in spite of the fact that an entire "news" network employs advisers to his campaign.

WG: Time for a White Rock beverage.

OMD: Crack comes in liquid form?

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad - Season Four, Episodes Nine through Twelve

In the homestretch run of Season Four of Breaking Bad Walt suspects he is losing grip on Jesse, plants a bug on his car, tosses the evidence to Jesse, and Jesse tosses it back. Skyler enlists the services of Saul Goodman to handle a sticky situation with Beneke, and Ted takes the high road. Meanwhile, the cartel is not cutting Gus any slack, so Gus seemingly caves and takes a trip south with Mike and Jesse as his wingmen. After Jesse demonstrates his mad cooking skills, Gus orchestrates his maneuver involving poisonous tequila, effectively removing the last inheritors of the Salamanca clan. Upon his glorious return, Gus tries his best to intimidate a disgruntled Walt, but Walt ignores the ploy. As Hank and family remain cuddled up at home with the DEA, Walt plots his way out of imminent danger. 

Tune in next week for the recap of the final episode along with predictions and commentary on the upcoming Season Five.

These guys clearly haven't seen Tremors, find a giant rock, stat!

Stan Earnest: These last few episodes of Season Four pack a heavy punch. The only complaint I have is the opening to "Bug", a wink at Season Three's episode titled "Fly" that has a much different flight pattern (see Craig, these episode titles are great). We already know Walt is going to get curb-stomped by Jesse when he shows up at his house, but again, it's not so much about if or when, but how with Breaking Bad. Professor Plum, in the living room, with a monitoring device to the face, that's how.

Craig Scholes: Speaking of the opening to the episode “Bug”, what do you think Old Man Duggan's stance is on dudes wearing moccasins? Did you find it odd that Beneke's Geo Metro had keyless entry?

SE: We definitely have to get a ruling from the Old Man, because there might be an exclusion for the suede, dressy look. I think you were right about Walt's fighting style; it's one part Tyson ear bite and two parts Rowdy Roddy Piper, and after getting thrown into his own household fixtures by Walter White, Pinkman might want reconfigure his fighting stance also. They looked like the Bushwhackers turning on each other.

CS: If Walt and Jesse are the Bushwackers, which one licks the other one's armpit? You want to know what has bugged me more than anything? The fact that Gus is this worldly guy who clearly dabbles in all the finer things--it is apparent he is fond of cooking and enjoys gourmet food--yet the guy can't use a knife properly at all.

SE: I don't care how poorly he uses a knife, I still want some of that Chilean soup that he cooks, sans ricin. What did you think of him walking into the sniper spray Terminator-style? Jesse just standing there is definitely a real thing, dangerous situations tax the hell out of cognitive functions. A plethora of accounts of disasters involve victims that had plenty of time to escape but froze and failed to make it out alive. We see this unfold on television daily it seems. I understand Jesse turning into a fainting goat, but something about humans I have never understood is the want to be close to disaster. There was a giant building fire in my town recently. I was trying to take all the back roads and alleys I could to escape any traffic that would force me into the fumes of the fire. I saw it from a ways away, so I was able to take a route downwind and witnessed people literally walking out their front doors and heading directly to the site to witness the carnage. It was as if the fire was a giant spectator magnet, sucking people into its field. Hell, I'm surprised they weren't doing the snake crawl from the Season Three opener. As I got blocked in traffic, I saw hundreds of people just sitting on the town square, gladly ingesting the massive balls of brownish smog released by the blaze.

I guess in a way it parallels what has happened to Walt; he has been sucked into becoming a monster. Disaster is imminent, but his course remains the same. Nothing says "screw lung cancer" like sharing a cigarette with Jesse (not really). I can't decide if he was just trying to manipulate Jesse, or if he was really just having a to-hell-with-life moment.

CS: On one hand it's pretty bad ass that Gus challenged him like that, on the other he knew they couldn't shoot him; not that I have the cojones to test a sniper like that. There was a building in my hometown that recently went ablaze, and I remember wondering how many man hours they were wasting just to trying to keep the peace so people could do their job.

Gilligan and crew sure love themselves some shitty cars. If my parents bought me a PT Cruiser, I can't say that I would have been happy. On a trip to San Francisco once, I reserved a rental car only to find out that it wasn't available upon my arrival. I had the option to drive a PT Cruiser but chose instead to pay a little extra for a Mustang.

"Yo Avon, I found the phone booth, but I don't see Bill & Ted anywhere."

SE: I laughed like a little school girl when I saw the PT Cruiser. Not only is the average age of PT drivers upwards of 60, but it is sky blue. Talk about having a pulse on the younger generation. At least she could have found a black or red one, but hey, it comes with a CD player Junior! So much for Mom understanding technology; I doubt she knew that the Challenger had an iPod port. Speaking of technology in a television series, are we ever going to see a smart phone? How many times are Gus and Saul going to snap flip phones in half and toss them in the trash? It reminds me of watching The Wire when the cops undercover team was so intrigued that the criminals were now using high-tech cellphones to receive newfangled messages that didn't require conversation. Nowadays when I see someone using a Tracfone, deductive reasoning takes hold. There are only three things a Tracfone is used for: 1) the person cannot pass the faintest credit check to get a regular cell, 2) the person is cheating on a partner, 3) or the person is engaging in clandestine activities. I am pretty sure Hank uses the same basic sleuthing technique.

CS: You forgot the fourth option: there are some Tracphones that cost $40 a month for unlimited calls, texts and data. Having said that, I've made that Wire connection too, probably easier to destroy a phone if you aren't having to shell out a couple Benjamins every time.

I love the way Jesse shows up the Mexican chemists by the way.

SE: The best part of that was the look on Gus's and Mike's faces. I can't even image the look that would have come across Walt's face if he would have seen that scumtacular lab, talk about bitter-beer face. Walt would be shark bait in under a week with Don Eladio running the gig.

I was happy to see a plot line that put Skyler in Walt's shoes. We know she hasn't been squeaky clean and consequences are inevitable. If Walt's alter-ego is Heisenberg, the developer of the uncertainty principle, then what could possibly be the name of Skyler's act as a busty bimbo that dabbles in The Quicken?

CS: More than likely Walt would have been given a little more benefit of the doubt. It is very possible that part of the reason that Walt's meth is so "pure" is because of how meticulous they are at keeping their lab free of contaminants (see what I did there).

It didn't take Skyler much prodding to get her to go full-on sketchy, did it?

SE: Never underestimate the power of the postnatal hormonal flux. I like how all the pieces fit together for madness to happen. Walt is in hiding, drowning himself in pain pills and whatever beer he drinks (Molson? Amstel Light?). I am surprised he wasn't having a White Russian after wearing that Southwestern robe straight out of The Dude's closet. Or maybe it's a stiff cocktail, because he is totally Don Draper-ing Skyler with his disappearing acts. It inadvertently gives him power of control over her, but it also leaves her brain churning to keep up with Walt's style of taking care of problems, turning to Saul and his "A" team.

CS: Speaking of "A" team, BILL FUCKING BURR! He's had a pretty small part so far, but he has absolutely NAILED it. I’m not as big a fan of the rather large black fellow that accompanies him, but he plays the part okay.

SE: Fun fact: when the writing crew had some down time or was feeling uninspired during Season Four, they would fire up the ole YouTube and watch Bill Burr clip after Bill Burr clip. He is quite the enigma. Judging from the stand-up clips, I would have never imagined he could just sledgehammer that role so well. I didn't even recognize him the first time he showed up giving the business to Eyebrows McGee. Huell is also a comedian, the lesser known Lavell Crawford. Another fun fact: the name Huell was inspired by television personality Huell Howser. At first, I wasn't a big Huell fan, but in the scene with Beneke he really comes through. I like that he fits really well with Saul. I just don't see Saul employing a serious bodyguard, as he is deathly afraid of Mike. Something really weird I've noticed on second viewing is that Huell and Kuby are both wearing purple in Saul's office, Gus is also wearing purple in the last few episodes, and Marie has her house just plastered in purple, but maybe it's just Hank's favorite color.

CS: Marie was also wearing purple when she got busted being a klepto at the open houses.

It pisses me off how slimey Beneke is. How could you justify buying a new Benz when you owed the government $617K and change. And then for him to say he has to get his business going. Buying a new Mercedes isn't exactly overhead. What a fucking clown.

SE: Teddy knows exactly what he is doing. Skyler, like Walt, was too naive and prideful to not let Ted know where the money came from. If Saul thinks it's a bad idea, chances are it is a pretty bad idea. She wised up all quick like because Ted was definitely trying to blackmail her, or at least push her in a direction back into his slimy, scaled hands.

I got a question for you: do you think that Gus ever thought at any point that Walt was tipping Hank off, or was he merely using the Hank snooping plot to convince Jesse that Walt was a problem? I thought it was a nice touch that the viewer doesn't know if Gus can hear Walt through the camera.

CS: I actually don't think Ted was blackmailing Skyler. I think he instead was just trying to justify being a selfish moron.

No, I don't think Gus was of the impression that he was tipping off Hank. Mainly because of how terrified he was when Hank wanted Walt to lo-jack his car. And yeah, since Gus is such a master schemer he clearly took advantage of the hand he was dealt.

SE: Another question: is it winter like year around in Albuquerque? Because Jesse sure likes his hoodies and Walt sure likes jackets. Seems like the heat is really played up in the day shots and cold is really played up in the night shots. I've never gotten down in the ABQ, but by the series, it seems I need to pack heavy.

I wonder what kind of a plan Gus had in place if he didn't make it out of Mexico alive. I am sure he has some ten page under-the-table will worked out where his operation gets handed down to somebody, or at least covered up and the money split up. The guy sure had a plan for Don Eladio and crew, the riskiest move he'll ever make. After surviving that madness, he knows he is on borrowed time. I loved that he was sly enough to avoid Pinkman getting got by the specially hand-crafted anejo, and telling the remaining folks to raid the mansion and leave was a classy move.

CS: Well sand doesn't really hold any heat, so there are massive temperature fluctuations when the sun goes down. Fun story, I have a cousin from the same southeastern region of Kansas I'm from who moved to Los Angeles to go to UCLA. After a couple years, he decided to come home for Christmas. He flew into Kansas City wearing shorts, sandals, and a tank top because he forgot it got cold in the Midwest.

I dunno, but it was pretty ballsy to spike tequila with Iocane powder without properly immunizing himself against it.

Gus has been watching The Princess Bride

SE: You know what poison Gus used? Remind me to never piss you off. Whatever he spiked it with, he did take some pill for it beforehand while reminiscing about his boy Max next to the pool.

I just want to go on record as saying that the end to Episode Eleven, "Crawl Space", is the most ominous ending of a television show I can remember, and nothing else is even close. It's weird to think that four years of Breaking Bad is only like ten months in Walt time. It's easy to forget that Walt hasn't made that much money yet, so plucking out some change for a car wash and Teddy Beneke's mistakes put a dent in the meth fortune. The writer's strike deep, dark oil once again with Walt maniacally laughing Syd Barrett style as the camera pans out to some wicked Reznoresque backing track while Maria flips out on the answering machine. I can't get that menacing camera shot out of my head. Walt has done the most awful of things to set his family up for a future, and Teddy's got his money now while he is up a creek, sans paddle. Now that is a Swayze-sized Road House karate chop the ole beanbag.

CS: Not only has Walt not earned a totally obscene amount of money yet, but Skyler and him haven't exactly been really careful with the money, giving tons of it to Hank and Marie, buying a car wash, burning it in a grill, torching a Dodge Challenger, oh and then there is still the massive cancer treatment debt they started in.

SE: And then we find Walter next to the pool spinning his .38 of fate, contemplating a way out. There is no way you don't like the Apollo Sunshine song during that scene, aptly titled "We Are Born When We Die", hearkening to a Season One, Episode One Walt beginning his new double life.

CS: I meh that song. I wouldn't ever actively listen to it on my own, but on the other hand I wouldn't turn it off when it came on.

I could have sworn Jesse was present when Gus drug Walt out into the desert to threaten him, but clearly he wasn't.

SE: Yeah, there is no way that Gus would have let Jesse hear him threaten Walt's baby daughter; he knows Jesse is a big softy.

Do I even need to mention how awesome it was that the Aztek took on even more brutality? If you're ever going to dress up as Heisenberg for Halloween, I won't get it unless you're driving an Aztek with body damage. Now that would be a scary look. Do you think Walt saved money by avoiding the high fees of an incognito repairman or will his insurance premiums negate that?

CS: Of course not, the Aztek taking on copious amounts of damage is one of my favorite things about the show. I think the Aztek is finally dead, because he is driving some sort of white station wagon mini van hybrid thing, something like a Pontiac Vibe or some sort of Honda.

You don't want to wear moccasins in this lab.

SE: I am really hoping that it is a rental, because I am rooting for a glorious return by the Aztek, but judging by the new poster for Season Five, Walt is going to be driving a new Mercedes S Class.

So we end these episodes with yet another Jesse and Walt confrontation ending in Walt building, of all things, a car bomb. Full-on criminal Heisenberg is pretty much everyday Walt at this point. What did you make of Gus's spidey sense to avoid Walt's trap?

CS: Yeah, there is no way that Aztek is going to be brought back. Maybe when it was totaled out Walt bought back a salvaged title or something, and we'll get a chance to just see it sitting in the street from time to time.

I think Gus's sixth sense was a little ridiculous to be honest, but I guess its not too far-fetched for someone as meticulous as Gus to take all precautions. Makes you wonder though, how many times he has changed course for no reason. Do you think his muscle just thinks he is crazy?

SE: His muscle probably never gets anything in direct message from him, so I guarantee they think he is a quack. You know, there was a monstrous fuss on the net about Gus avoiding his car, but I think it is warranted. He knows Walt is after him. He thinks he has turned Jesse, but he isn't positive. The talk he had with Jesse was very strange. Gus was likely just thinking about how weird it was that Jesse said that someone poisoned Brock but didn't mention anything other than that really. Jesse really didn't play his hand very well at all. He looked very afraid of Gus. So either Jesse thinks Gus did it and wouldn't say anything or he thinks Walter did it and would then give the go ahead for Gus to off Walt. Gus just figured something was up with that conversation so he avoided his car.

CS: I don't think Jesse gets enough credit for how sharp he is at times though. He may not be the most book smart, but he has plenty of the streets know-how.

So there you have it. The first twelve episodes of Season Four of Breaking Bad. Walt sure has managed to get himself into quite the pickle, and it'll be fun to see how the craziness is resolved. Tune in next week when we break down the finale of Season Four in preparation of the Season Five premiere.

Wordy Old Men on Downton Abbey: Series One, Episode Four

It's that time of the week again. Wordy Ginters and myself (Josh "Old Man" Duggan for the un-indoctrinated) are back doing our thing with Downton Abbey. This week we've watched the fourth episode (as aired in the U.K. ) of the first series--that's British for season. 


For those who watched Downton Abbey as it aired on PBS, here's what happened: 


The fair comes to town. Anna gets sick whereupon Bates brings her sustenance in a sweet breaking of the rules. Mrs. Hughes reconnects with an old flame, who proffers his hand. After much hemming and hawing, Mrs. Hughes turns down his offer. Molesley's hand has a nasty rash, which Violet Crawley takes upon herself to treat. Much to the Dowager Countess's delight, Violet's diagnosis is incorrect. Lady Sybil begins to come into her own. Tom Branson begins work at Downton as a chauffeur--an Irish socialist chauffeur--and clearly digs what Sybil's got going on. Carson suspects there's a thief afoot. And most importantly, Bates throws Thomas up against a wall and tells him he's going to knock his teeth into the back of his head for picking on William. Bates!


Wordy Ginters: OK, I'll start with the thought I ended the episode with: I wish Joan Rivers was up in this piece, because I'd love to hear her take on Sybil's sexy pro-fem gypsy gear.

Old Man Duggan: While I don't know that the Ladies Rivers would be especially kind, I certainly liked getting to see a bit of sexy Sybil, color combinations be damned. The billowy pantaloony nature of the ensemble was a little blah, but that bodice was something else, and her headpiece was actually kind of fetching.

WG: Are you old enough to remember a Saturday morning live-action cartoon dubbed The Secrets of Isis? The aesthetic is very similar. I was getting into the Bonnie and Clyde vibe sexy Sybil was cooking up with rebel book-readin' and drivin' Branson. His Lordship was all too pleased to share the library. Big of him. I always say, "A book of mine is a book of yours. Seriously though, you have to bring that back when you are done."  That is the kind of shit I'm always saying.

OMD: Sadly, I am not old enough to have even a fleeting memory of The Secretions of Isis, though judging by the picture to our right here, I wish I could tell you otherwise. Back to the episode at hand, I do feel like this chapter was sort of Lady Sybil's coming out party--not just because was she looking for a dress for what I believe was her first "season," but also in terms of plot. Her storyline is finally getting fleshed out a bit. I suppose that has a bit to do with so much of what happens to the daughters being reliant upon the notion that they have to marry off, and Sybil's not out in the world or whatever the parlance of their times would refer to it as. To finally get substantive Sybil content was nice. And Branson's kind of the bomb. I like how self-confident he is, and there's certainly an element of Bonnie and Clyde going on in the car scene between the two. Let's hope Branson's cocksure swagger doesn't get that sexy little lustbomb pumped full of lead. And I loan the shit out of my books. DVDs, too. I still have never gotten back my copy of Freaks and Geeks, four years later.

WG: Branson works for me. Do you think "Lord Crawley" is scrawled across the inside of every tome in that beautiful library? He has a checkout system, so it's obviously a concern. Probably not. I hear you though. I am missing some hard-back Cormac McCarthy's that hurt my soul, the void they've left is so present.

OMD: In extremely elegant script, I'm sure, though there's no way it wasn't Carson who wrote it. I'm sure Carson's penmanship is top-notch.What novels do you think Carson and Hughes were reading?

WG: Actually, I was hoping that we find that out. Trainspotting at its best. Do you think they might be checking out Zero Day? Wasn't that the book that Royals book guy was reading? Back to Sybil, the nature of previous bitches on my end had to do with politics. Fellowes answers in kind. Firebrand time.

OMD: I was kind of waiting for this all to happen to see what your reaction would be to the political shift. It seems as though the status quo needed to be set for Fellowes to explore the radical changes at the time. Three episodes with a few rumblings here or there seems to be about the right dosage for establishment of where everything began. Clearly, the suffrage movement and the introduction of a socialist to the mix has to appease you. It seems like Fellowes was also especially catering towards your concerns with Lord Grantham's speech to Mary whilst walking the grounds about how he's merely a custodian and cannot put her selfish but justified wants ahead of the estate. I'd have pegged Mrs. Hughes for a Bulldog Drummond fan, but that doesn't roll out for another six years or so. And the Royals guy was reading a David Baldacci book, though I'm not sure which one.

WG: The shift in the political palate is much welcomed. I'm very interested to see where it goes. You are going deep background on Bulldog Drummond. WWE reference or was that what Willis called Mr. Drummond behind his back? More importantly, why did Fellowes deny us the delicious pleasure of Bates roughing up that petulant bastard of a footman Thomas? I get it, he's a conniving prick. And conniving pricks always connive on the most innocent and sweet. I know it, but it still needles me all the same.

Royal Book Guy was reading Zero Day, by Baldacci as you've astutely pointed out. This was turned into a Clint Eastwood (yeah, I said he was seriously overrated) male political porno film with Gene Hackman called Absolute Power, about killing to cover up an affair by the President. Released in 1997. Who was the President back then? Sounds hilariously familiar to allegations in the real news.

Bulldog Drummond's nemesis. Evil to be sure.

OMD: Bulldog Drummond was an old British serial in which a former officer took up as a private investigator after WWI. His arch-enemy was Carl Peterson, a nefarious shit to be sure. Oh, we'd all have loved for Bates to beat Thomas silly with a sack of oranges, but it wasn't in the cards. This was a great Bates episode. Between bringing Anna the food while stowed away in her room (dashing as ever, I might add) and telling Daisy that being so nasty doesn't suit her, he did a whole helluva lot with very little relative screen time. As if Anna needed any more reason to fall in love with Bates, there it all was in soft lighting. I want to have his fucking child, and I'm straight and don't have any particular desire to have kids. His slight roughing up of Thomas was the icing on the cake, as he does what everyone watching the show wants to do. It also shows a little bit of that past he's alluded to in bits of conversation here and there thus far.

As for Eastwood, same page there. Overrated.

WG: Remember the faux movement to urge John Cusack to run for President a few years back? You'd see stickers or grafitti around with that iconic scene from Say Anything, boombox righteously aloft? I've got that image tattooed on my ankle with Bates' 100-mile stare in place of the pale Cusack mug. Bates is an awesome ensemble guy. By far my favorite character and personal hero. Dignity. Grace. Strength. I hope he has the opportunity to have a creative and unusual sex life with Anna, and soon.

OMD: I doubt they'll have to go Turkish. I don't remember that Cusack movement, though I should have been banging that drum.

WG: I envisioned some clever role-playing, and perhaps some light bondage. Speaking of soft lighting, the episode stood out for the cinematic touches. Progressively, they've been using more and more of the gorgeous countryside. The churches last week, the fair and fire-breathers, the library as previously mentioned. I've never been to England, but it can't possibly be as verdant in real life as it appears to be on Downton.

OMD: I'm sure elaborate costumes will be used, but not in the lame furry/plushy way. Bates has too much self-respect to have to get off while dressed as a mascot. As for England, I don't know. It seemed pretty goddamn verdant both times I've been. The visual palette has definitely been getting broader. Speaking of the Downton Fair, I was hoping to get a good look at some pre-Great War carnies without having had the benefit of modern dentistry. No such luck. If Fellowes has failed me, it's here.

WG: Ah, yes. You've found a hole in the sweater. From what we innately know about the British and dentistry, the accuracy of this "period piece" may be less than honest. Pre-Great War carnies and modern dentistry conjures up images of a Tom Waits video. Why doesn't Hughes jump at the nuptials? Her old beau seemed like a decent sort. I imagine serving the lap of luxury would seem deliciously close to living in the lap of luxury? How long has it been since you've set in anyone's lap? It's quite disconcerting.

OMD: It's been at least a week since I last sat in someone's lap. I found it far from disconcerting though...

As for Hughes, I think she feels very at home at Downton. When she was hemming and hawing in her office, did it seem to you that she was channeling Joan Fontaine in Rebecca, wringing hands and fretting feverishly? Fontaine's performance almost ruined that goddamn movie for me.

WG: Back to your earlier point regarding the patrician vibe of Lord Grantham, and the more rebellious (or selfish) interests of Mary. The broad themes aren't all that different than Mad Men (perhaps even MORE overrated than Clint Eastwood), which can be summed thusly: the times, they be a changing. The youth, they be crazy. The young aren't so willing to continue walking the traditional path, they react to a little injustice (Matthew fixing up the workers shacks on the grounds) or inequality, and they sure as shit are going to dress how they want.

OMD: Totally agree on Mad Men. Not. That. Great. All style. Very little substance. There isn't a single character on that show that I give an ounce of a shit about. Thankfully, the difference between the shows is that Downton is full of characters that are interesting and which the creator actually seems to care about. Mad Men has an interesting character.

WG: Fontaine almost ruined Rebecca, but Mrs. Danvers served as the inspiration for Henry Rollins curiously long career. Burn it down. I actually liked the first few seasons of Mad Men. There was some whimsy and oddness thrown in with the nostalgia, and it worked. A character had his foot run over by a lawn mower in the office. Little bits of Lynch type stuff. But now those flourishes are long gone. The nostalgia is the main thing, and that horse has been ridden to dust.

OMD: I watched the first season and didn't care enough to continue on. Don's the one compelling character. The art direction and production design are fantastic, but the moments in which the show was truly great were so seldom that I simply gave up trying to care about the show. Having to wait four or five episodes to have one moment of transcendence like the carousel scene was simply too much for me to jump aboard with.

WG: To your original query, no, Hughes is at home at Downton. It has the same pull on her as it does for Lord Crawley. Mary also becomes more human with each episode. Takes some serious self-respect to deny a life of luxury because it wouldn't be legit. Matthew ain't that bad. I'd marry him in order to keep the dinner gong a relevant part of my lifestyle. My eyes may have deceived, but I thought I noticed the faintest kindling of a relationship between the two.

OMD: And I totally agree on the Mary front, though I never really saw her as anything more than capricious when I started watching the show. TSLF was watching this episode with me and was marvelling at how on the second time through, she was liking Mary a lot more. We had actually gotten into an argument about a month back about Mary and some plot points that haven't happened yet, but TSLF kept taking the non-Mary side of the issue, much to my dismay.

WG: Interesting. The stereotype would assume women to be naturally inclined to be sympathize with Mary's plight. Can't be an heir for ridiculously outdated reasons (the broad strokes of which were mocked beautifully on 30 Rock last week during one of the old timey news segment skits). Forced into a marriage she doesn't necessarily choose in order to keep her deadly buttocks inside Downtown Abbey, and a hand in mom's purse.

OMD: The point of contention was neither entail nor tail related. I'll refrain from going much further than that so as to protect you. I do like that Mary feels unfulfilled in the life that she is to live. Her describing it as sitting in a waiting room waiting for someone to marry is sad.

WG: You are a wise and gentle companion. It was sad. A realization that has been building since episode one. What good is that lifestyle if you can't get what makes you happy?

OMD: How much did you want to slap Edith for trying to insinuate that Lady Sybil was putting on weight? How dare she?

WG: I forgot about that! A very low blow. Very low. How about the Dowager acting as if she had sat on a bowl of demon fire when she landed in that swivel chair?

OMD: Hilarious. Her line about always having to fight an American was funny, too. That's what she gets for relying too much upon a cane though. If the cane doesn't turn into a sword, then it's not worth having. Those were words my grandmother put us to bed by.