Charlie Parr - Ain't no grave - Paris from meetingcharlieparr on Vimeo.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Prick Tunes: Charlie Parr "Ain't No Grave"
Charlie Parr - Ain't no grave - Paris from meetingcharlieparr on Vimeo.
Man on Film: Spring Breakers
I'll open with the obligatory apology for lack of activity on the blog. Sorry.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way, Spring Breakers was kind of a mess. It was ridiculous, James Franco was great, and there were plenty of moments to like*, but ultimately Harmony Korine's new film never really congeals into a cohesive vision, or at least not a cohesive film.
*If you're broken, like I am.
At various points throughout the film, it feels like Harmony Korine is attempting to make a point, to speak to the state that American society finds itself in. Somewhere in the mix, it felt as though he was going to highlight how the bacchanal that is the spring break phenomenon was metaphorically related to Rome at the fall of the Empire, in his own cold, idiosyncratic, exploitative way. There were moments where it felt like that point was going to be furthered, but that path was abandoned without warning.
There were times where it felt like Spring Breakers was trying to represent some sort of truth, a scripted riff on cinéma vérité-informed filmmaking, but then the moments of truth were undercut by moments of absurd, over-the-top acts by characters that tore you from associating the film with the reality that was being established moments earlier. The establishment of the girls' mundane college existence seemed to be an attempt to ground the film. Then they rob "the chicken shack" in a turn that seems to abruptly point the film in the direction of the good girls gone bad exploitation flick, only to go back to roughly half an hour of montage heavy spring breaking, with next-to-zero nudity from the principal cast (the only non-partial nudity is of Rachel Korine, guys and gals) no less. At many points in the film, it feels like Harmony Korine is going to take this film to the next level, advancing and peddling his bizarre brand of shock-and-awe exploitation masquerading as art-house fodder, but then he pulls back.
In the end, Spring Breakers never gets past feeling like a Harmony Korine film was smashed together with an after school special, party scenes from Girls Gone Wild series, and a salvaged but incomplete Michael Mann film. This makes for a particularly schizophrenic viewing experience, one made all the worse by the fact that only Franco and Gucci Mane distinguish themselves as capable actors in the film, while the girls (Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and Selena Gomez round out the cast) are simply present while the camera is rolling, hoping that these were the roles that freed them from the ranks of type-cast "good girls." If the film was just James Franco tickling the ivories and singing with the girls, it would have been great, but instead Korine's attempt at inserting himself into the crime drama game is a total clusterfuck. It is fun at times, but that fun is mitigated at least in part by the aimlessness of its auteur.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way, Spring Breakers was kind of a mess. It was ridiculous, James Franco was great, and there were plenty of moments to like*, but ultimately Harmony Korine's new film never really congeals into a cohesive vision, or at least not a cohesive film.
At various points throughout the film, it feels like Harmony Korine is attempting to make a point, to speak to the state that American society finds itself in. Somewhere in the mix, it felt as though he was going to highlight how the bacchanal that is the spring break phenomenon was metaphorically related to Rome at the fall of the Empire, in his own cold, idiosyncratic, exploitative way. There were moments where it felt like that point was going to be furthered, but that path was abandoned without warning.
There were times where it felt like Spring Breakers was trying to represent some sort of truth, a scripted riff on cinéma vérité-informed filmmaking, but then the moments of truth were undercut by moments of absurd, over-the-top acts by characters that tore you from associating the film with the reality that was being established moments earlier. The establishment of the girls' mundane college existence seemed to be an attempt to ground the film. Then they rob "the chicken shack" in a turn that seems to abruptly point the film in the direction of the good girls gone bad exploitation flick, only to go back to roughly half an hour of montage heavy spring breaking, with next-to-zero nudity from the principal cast (the only non-partial nudity is of Rachel Korine, guys and gals) no less. At many points in the film, it feels like Harmony Korine is going to take this film to the next level, advancing and peddling his bizarre brand of shock-and-awe exploitation masquerading as art-house fodder, but then he pulls back.
In the end, Spring Breakers never gets past feeling like a Harmony Korine film was smashed together with an after school special, party scenes from Girls Gone Wild series, and a salvaged but incomplete Michael Mann film. This makes for a particularly schizophrenic viewing experience, one made all the worse by the fact that only Franco and Gucci Mane distinguish themselves as capable actors in the film, while the girls (Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and Selena Gomez round out the cast) are simply present while the camera is rolling, hoping that these were the roles that freed them from the ranks of type-cast "good girls." If the film was just James Franco tickling the ivories and singing with the girls, it would have been great, but instead Korine's attempt at inserting himself into the crime drama game is a total clusterfuck. It is fun at times, but that fun is mitigated at least in part by the aimlessness of its auteur.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tube Steak: You Need to Think More About Roseanne
Be honest. You never think about Roseanne. This comedy or that comedy is better. Blah, blah, blah.
Pull your head out of your ass. Watch this episode to the end--all the way--and get your head straight. Recognize the greatness of John Goodman. I'm dead serious.
Pull your head out of your ass. Watch this episode to the end--all the way--and get your head straight. Recognize the greatness of John Goodman. I'm dead serious.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Man on Film: Boy Friends and Hundredaires
Today I get to toss some cyber-love out to two of my pals who have projects coming your way in some way, shape, or form.
First up is my friend and collaborator (on a project that I'm waiting to talk about until it's a little more real), Hugo Vargas-Zesati. Hugo's debut as a writer-director has been accepted to SXSW. It's a deliciously demented short film entitled Boy Friends. Hugo is also the dashing gent on crutches. Showtimes during the festival can be found here.
Then there is long-time friend Sean McGrath, who some of you may know/recognize from his work on Twilight or Everyman's War or as a writer/on-air personality on Oregon Public Radio's variety show Live Wire. Why we've never completed any collaborative project likely boils down to my laziness and/or relative unease in the screenwriting medium. He is writing on Hundredaires, one of new bits of original programming that the French Kiss Records video site FKR.TV and one on which David Cross is an Executive Producer. Hundredaires is one of the projects featured in this trailer. Be sure to subscribe to keep up to the minute on FKR.TV updates.
First up is my friend and collaborator (on a project that I'm waiting to talk about until it's a little more real), Hugo Vargas-Zesati. Hugo's debut as a writer-director has been accepted to SXSW. It's a deliciously demented short film entitled Boy Friends. Hugo is also the dashing gent on crutches. Showtimes during the festival can be found here.
Then there is long-time friend Sean McGrath, who some of you may know/recognize from his work on Twilight or Everyman's War or as a writer/on-air personality on Oregon Public Radio's variety show Live Wire. Why we've never completed any collaborative project likely boils down to my laziness and/or relative unease in the screenwriting medium. He is writing on Hundredaires, one of new bits of original programming that the French Kiss Records video site FKR.TV and one on which David Cross is an Executive Producer. Hundredaires is one of the projects featured in this trailer. Be sure to subscribe to keep up to the minute on FKR.TV updates.
Prick Tunes: NPR Presents: Josh Ritter
My brother who posts here from time to time posted this link on my Facebook page, so it makes a bit of sense to just embed the video here.
Josh Ritter just played at Le Poisson Rouge in New York on March 4, 2013 in support of his new album, The Beast In Its Tracks, which was just released this week on Yep Roc Records. As NPR does from time to time (like with Spiritualized, Yo La Tengo, David Byrne & St. Vincent, and many more), they post the concert on the web for all to take in. I haven't had the time to listen to the new album yet, and it's apparently dealing with picking up the pieces after divorce. Maybe this is his Tunnel of Love or slightly less depressing Sea Change, albums I adore. Regardless, this set seems to offer a pretty comprehensive look at The Beast In Its Tracks, albeit in a live setting. Have at it.
Josh Ritter just played at Le Poisson Rouge in New York on March 4, 2013 in support of his new album, The Beast In Its Tracks, which was just released this week on Yep Roc Records. As NPR does from time to time (like with Spiritualized, Yo La Tengo, David Byrne & St. Vincent, and many more), they post the concert on the web for all to take in. I haven't had the time to listen to the new album yet, and it's apparently dealing with picking up the pieces after divorce. Maybe this is his Tunnel of Love or slightly less depressing Sea Change, albums I adore. Regardless, this set seems to offer a pretty comprehensive look at The Beast In Its Tracks, albeit in a live setting. Have at it.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Man on Film: Tar [U.S. Premiere]
Tar--the James Franco-produced project featuring twelve of his NYU grad students'* collected and re-edited short films based on poems found in C.K. Williams titular collection--is an interesting filmic experience. Functioning largely as an elegiac meditation on innocence, both a fond remembrance and a lamentation on the loss of it, Tar is enriched with a lyrical, image-driven presentation of ideas and themes.
*It only seems right to give them their due. In credited order: Edna Luise Biesold, Sarah-Violet Bliss, Gabrielle Demeestere, Alexis Gambis, Brooke Goldfinch, Shripriya Mahesh, Pamela Romanowsky, Bruce Thierry Cheung, Tine Thomasen, Virginia Urreiztieta, and Omar Zúñiga Hidalgo are all writers and directors; Shruti Ganguly is an additional screenwriter.
Much like the film that obviously inspired its look and feel--Franco said as much in the introductory presentation--The Tree of Life, Tar is not a film featuring a traditional, linear, three-act structure. For someone who loved The Tree of Life, this is a style of filmmaking that is at least in part appealing. Now there is an element of feeling a bit reductive, and while it is impossible to not be entirely enamored with Jessica Chastain, it is a bit on the nose to cast her as the identical character that she was in the film that so heavily influenced it. There is not anyone better suited to play the part, so one cannot fault the filmmakers responsible for the scenes of Williams's adolescence for jumping at the chance to let Chastain ply her trade. It does, however, make it feel as though they are shouting the influence from the rooftops.
Largely, though, this is a series of connected short films by grad students from a storied program with a star-studded cast including Franco, Chastain, Mila Kunis, Zach Braff, Bruce Campbell, and Henry Hopper. The near-final product--Franco stated that this was not quite finished, though one has to imagine that it is close to done--works for the most part. Tar is evocative, serving the image and C.K. Williams's words well. It is ultimately 75 minutes culled from roughly three hours worth of short films, feeling mostly like a film with a cohesive vision and having averted the potential trap of clashing styles by establishing a visual style beforehand and employing just two cinematographers to better align the shorts to be better able to synthesize a cohesive film from the shorts. As a film, it is captivating if occasionally disjointed. Tar is much better than one would expect for when faced with the prospect of undertaking the viewing of more than an hour of student films. It certainly has its merits, and coming out of the film, there was an interest in seeing how the separate shorts played themselves out on their own merits, leaving me interested in an eventual DVD/Bluray release. Then again, this is coming from someone who minored in film studies while majoring in English lit.
James Franco also fielded questions immediately following the screening, first from the Alamo Drafthouse's moderator and film programmer, Sam Prime, and then from the crowd. Most of the questions pertained to the film we had just seen, and it was interesting to hear how the experience was for the actors (who were getting back to a purer form (read: non-commercial) of filmmaking with these burgeoning directors) and for the directors (who were actually getting to work with accomplished actors for the first time). I didn't take notes because I'm not "that guy," but he seemed to really love having taught the class, and Tar looks to be the first of many of these projects, the next one being done through the UCLA MFA film program, if I remember correctly.
*It only seems right to give them their due. In credited order: Edna Luise Biesold, Sarah-Violet Bliss, Gabrielle Demeestere, Alexis Gambis, Brooke Goldfinch, Shripriya Mahesh, Pamela Romanowsky, Bruce Thierry Cheung, Tine Thomasen, Virginia Urreiztieta, and Omar Zúñiga Hidalgo are all writers and directors; Shruti Ganguly is an additional screenwriter.
Much like the film that obviously inspired its look and feel--Franco said as much in the introductory presentation--The Tree of Life, Tar is not a film featuring a traditional, linear, three-act structure. For someone who loved The Tree of Life, this is a style of filmmaking that is at least in part appealing. Now there is an element of feeling a bit reductive, and while it is impossible to not be entirely enamored with Jessica Chastain, it is a bit on the nose to cast her as the identical character that she was in the film that so heavily influenced it. There is not anyone better suited to play the part, so one cannot fault the filmmakers responsible for the scenes of Williams's adolescence for jumping at the chance to let Chastain ply her trade. It does, however, make it feel as though they are shouting the influence from the rooftops.
Largely, though, this is a series of connected short films by grad students from a storied program with a star-studded cast including Franco, Chastain, Mila Kunis, Zach Braff, Bruce Campbell, and Henry Hopper. The near-final product--Franco stated that this was not quite finished, though one has to imagine that it is close to done--works for the most part. Tar is evocative, serving the image and C.K. Williams's words well. It is ultimately 75 minutes culled from roughly three hours worth of short films, feeling mostly like a film with a cohesive vision and having averted the potential trap of clashing styles by establishing a visual style beforehand and employing just two cinematographers to better align the shorts to be better able to synthesize a cohesive film from the shorts. As a film, it is captivating if occasionally disjointed. Tar is much better than one would expect for when faced with the prospect of undertaking the viewing of more than an hour of student films. It certainly has its merits, and coming out of the film, there was an interest in seeing how the separate shorts played themselves out on their own merits, leaving me interested in an eventual DVD/Bluray release. Then again, this is coming from someone who minored in film studies while majoring in English lit.
James Franco also fielded questions immediately following the screening, first from the Alamo Drafthouse's moderator and film programmer, Sam Prime, and then from the crowd. Most of the questions pertained to the film we had just seen, and it was interesting to hear how the experience was for the actors (who were getting back to a purer form (read: non-commercial) of filmmaking with these burgeoning directors) and for the directors (who were actually getting to work with accomplished actors for the first time). I didn't take notes because I'm not "that guy," but he seemed to really love having taught the class, and Tar looks to be the first of many of these projects, the next one being done through the UCLA MFA film program, if I remember correctly.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Prick Tunes: Hayes Carll "KMAG YOYO"
Sorry about the relative lack of inactivity in these here parts. I've been pretty sidetracked with some writing that isn't going to be found on the internet. As a result, I'm a bit behind here. I've got a slew of Man on Film entries that I have to get caught up on, not to mention some Reading Rainbow entries and a piece that's been in on the back burner for quite some time.
Enough excuses though; I'm not going to feel bad for working on other stuff that may conceivably pay.
Here's a sweet in-studio performance of Hayes Carll's "KMAG YOYO" recorded at KEXP. I found it while digging up tracks for a playlist and figured this was as good a time and place as any for that.
Come get some.
Enough excuses though; I'm not going to feel bad for working on other stuff that may conceivably pay.
Here's a sweet in-studio performance of Hayes Carll's "KMAG YOYO" recorded at KEXP. I found it while digging up tracks for a playlist and figured this was as good a time and place as any for that.
Come get some.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Six Word Movie Reviews
No one has time these days for anything. Craig and I understand. Haven't been caught up on the best movies over the last few years? No need to worry, here are some six-word movie reviews to help you decide which ones you really need to see.
The Departed: everyone fucking dies in the end
Brokeback Mountain: butt fucking on a mountain side
Skyfall: eventually Bond drives an Aston Martin
Lincoln: you fucking already know the plot
The Big Lebowski: rug really did tie room together
Titanic: secretly, one great dark comedy flick
Debbie Does Dallas: disappointing, she only screws a few
There Will Be Blood: eventually, there will be some blood
Shawshank Redemption: Ole Andy’s keester gets it good
Forrest Gump: stupid mother fucker defies Darwinian science
Silence of the Lambs: better put lotion in the basket
Memento: he can’t remember a fucking thing
Citizen Kane: Rosebud is just a fucking sled
Reservoir Dogs: Steelers Wheel stuck in head forever
The Neverending Story: this movie is not actually neverending
Heat: baddest ass gun battle scene ever
Django Unchained: lots and lots of N bombs
Gran Torino: get off his mother fucking lawn
Fargo: epic use of a wood chipper
The Deer Hunter: you can’t win Russian roulette forever
Sin City: just read a comic book, dorks
Toy Story 3: I dare you not to cry
Sixth Sense: he is fucking dead you idiots
Trainspotting: heroin makes you shit the bed
The Wizard of Oz: flying monkeys are scary as shit
Apollo 13: duct tape to the fucking rescue
SLC Punk: dude’s got a four foot mohawk
Kill Bill Vol. 1: Bill doesn’t die in this one
Kill Bill Vol. 2: Bill eventually dies at the end
Good Will Hunting: stupid mother fucker missed Game 6
Into the Wild: stupid hippie tries to outsmart Alaska
Hangover 2: Did you see the first Hangover?
The Zookeeper: don’t even waste your fucking time
Here Comes the Boom: more like here comes the snooze
Beauty & the Beast: Understanding Psychology Vol. 1: Stockholm Syndrome
Rain Man: wish my brother could count cards
Showgirls: not even worth the gratuitous nudity
About Schmidt: Kathy Bates is one sexy mama
Life of Pi: tiger in a fucking boat yo!
Inception: dream within dream within another dream
127 Hours: Discovering Health Science Vol. 3: Amputation
Lost in Translation: Bill Murray can’t not be funny
A Life Aquatic: there are lots of red caps
He’s Just Not Into You: he’s just not fucking into you
JFK: what really took place…on acid
A Few Good Men: you need him on that wall
The Hobbit: could have been an hour long
The Cider House Rules: quaint little flick about baby killers
Scream: there is more than one killer
Donnie Darko: the movie doesn’t answer any questions
Flight of the Navigator: The. Best. God. Damned. Movie. Ever.
The Departed: everyone fucking dies in the end
Brokeback Mountain: butt fucking on a mountain side
Skyfall: eventually Bond drives an Aston Martin
Lincoln: you fucking already know the plot
The Big Lebowski: rug really did tie room together
Titanic: secretly, one great dark comedy flick
Debbie Does Dallas: disappointing, she only screws a few
There Will Be Blood: eventually, there will be some blood
Shawshank Redemption: Ole Andy’s keester gets it good
Forrest Gump: stupid mother fucker defies Darwinian science
Silence of the Lambs: better put lotion in the basket
Memento: he can’t remember a fucking thing
Citizen Kane: Rosebud is just a fucking sled
Reservoir Dogs: Steelers Wheel stuck in head forever
The Neverending Story: this movie is not actually neverending
Heat: baddest ass gun battle scene ever
Django Unchained: lots and lots of N bombs
Gran Torino: get off his mother fucking lawn
Fargo: epic use of a wood chipper
The Deer Hunter: you can’t win Russian roulette forever
Sin City: just read a comic book, dorks
Toy Story 3: I dare you not to cry
Sixth Sense: he is fucking dead you idiots
Trainspotting: heroin makes you shit the bed
The Wizard of Oz: flying monkeys are scary as shit
Apollo 13: duct tape to the fucking rescue
SLC Punk: dude’s got a four foot mohawk
Kill Bill Vol. 1: Bill doesn’t die in this one
Kill Bill Vol. 2: Bill eventually dies at the end
Good Will Hunting: stupid mother fucker missed Game 6
Into the Wild: stupid hippie tries to outsmart Alaska
Hangover 2: Did you see the first Hangover?
The Zookeeper: don’t even waste your fucking time
Here Comes the Boom: more like here comes the snooze
Beauty & the Beast: Understanding Psychology Vol. 1: Stockholm Syndrome
Rain Man: wish my brother could count cards
Showgirls: not even worth the gratuitous nudity
About Schmidt: Kathy Bates is one sexy mama
Life of Pi: tiger in a fucking boat yo!
Inception: dream within dream within another dream
127 Hours: Discovering Health Science Vol. 3: Amputation
Lost in Translation: Bill Murray can’t not be funny
A Life Aquatic: there are lots of red caps
He’s Just Not Into You: he’s just not fucking into you
JFK: what really took place…on acid
A Few Good Men: you need him on that wall
The Hobbit: could have been an hour long
The Cider House Rules: quaint little flick about baby killers
Scream: there is more than one killer
Donnie Darko: the movie doesn’t answer any questions
Flight of the Navigator: The. Best. God. Damned. Movie. Ever.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Your Favorite TV Shows: Zombie Edition
Well folks, Craig and I haven’t littered the interwebs with any pop culture psychobabble in a while, so we are making an epic return, discussing some of our favorite TV shows as if they underwent the impending zombie apocalypse. After all, The Walking Dead is hell-bent on shoving ghost Lorie down our throats, so we thought instead of ripping on the flaws of The Walking Dead we would create hypothetical zombie apocalypses of our own.
Craig Scholes: UGGGHHH!!!! Why did you even have to mention Lorie? Nobody even liked that bitch when she was alive; but, yeah, I’m kind of jealous I didn't have this idea to use on my podcast. CROSS PROMOTION! If only we knew famous comedians to plug our work, then we could have a David Cross Promotion.
Stan Earnest: Yes folks, Craig has a podcast. If you want to hear about condors meeting their demise in the grates of Chevy Blazers or vehicles missing their steering wheels in Taco Bell parking lots and the such, have a listen.
CS: Hey, we also talk about dirty toilets... but anyway. To continue with our "theme" as you astutely pointed out to me via text message: a Breaking Bad Zombie Apocalypse has some amazing potential for epic badassery. Hold up, let me get the door… I ordered Chinese for supper. They told me it would take 45 minutes, and it was here in less than seven.
SE: Them Chinese work hard...or should I say wok hard? We are going to be taking bad puns to a whole new level this time around.
CS: Wok Hard: The Ming Cox Story
SE: So should we inform our audience where we have been at lately?
CS: Sure, I've been on an expedition in lower Estonia hunting Chupacabras.
SE: Ok, well then, I can’t beat that. I’ve just been trying to feed my family. Since y’all know us as the Breaking Bad guys we better touch on that show first. We do know that Walt and Jesse have plenty of gas masks, so they could survive any airborne zombie virus, although I'm not quite certain how The Walking Dead virus works. You can basically fuck a zombie without contracting anything, but if one scratches you, you're dead.
CS: Right, can you imagine Walt and Jesse navigating a post-apocalyptic world in the Crystal Ship?
SE: Oh man, Skyler would totally turn to the blue. She wouldn't be able to handle it. Speaking of which... Walt and Jesse would have a whole new clientele. Zombies are typically slow; imagine the damage they could do on meth.
CS: Would this transform, say Walking Dead "walkers”, into superfast running Zombies, say like Rage-induced-28-Days-Later mode?
SE: Flynn would have a hell of a time outrunning those monsters. So is he the first to go?
CS: Cripple McDipshit doesn't stand a chance, but he is the obvious answer. It would probably be someone like Beneke.
SE: Oh, holy shit. Zombie-Robocop-Max-Headroom Benecke. YES!
CS: If Breaking Bad follows The Walking Dead model, they take the two most annoying women and make them last seemingly forever. Is Skyler the Lorie character, or the Andrea character?
SE: Hmmm, she is kind of a mix of the both of them.
CS: Right. Heck she is even a little bit of Crazy Rick.
SE: Walt is most definitely Shane, in that he would understand the situation and immediately celebrate Darwinian science.
CS: I'd say he is a cross between Rick and Shane; or: Walt is Rick, and Heisenberg is Shane.
SE: I would love to see Saul in the zombie apocalypse. He would be hiding out in his lair, freaked to the max, and be forced to sleep with his clerks.
CS: Or Saul could wind up being very crafty in that type of situation. He is pretty sketchy at taking advantage of shitty situations Clearly Gustavo would be the Governor right?
SE: Stole the words right from my zombiefied brain. Problem is that the Governor is so careless. Gus was the antipathy of carelessness. One thing is for sure, Gus is already ready for the apocalypse. He doesn't even need any more makeup.
CS: How would Gale go about making his sweet coffee of the gods in the Zombie apocalypse?
SE: Oh man, he would have a team of zombies brewing it for him. Just like Bernard or whatever the name of that dumbfuck scientist the Governor employs is.
CS: Oh man, Tuco Salamanca... Merle! Zero common sense, kind of a bad ass, and has a hair trigger.
SE: Ok, well, my top 5 final survivors would be: Walt (he would probably offer the baby up for zombie feed before he got got), Jesse (just because we would want never ending "Yeah, bitches!"), Saul (crafty), Hank, and my one wildcard pick: Marie. Marie would be at peace with all the looting she could accomplish.
CS: Seems solid, what if we applied the Zombie Apocalypse to other shows... say Arrested Development. Could you imagine GOB trying to outrun zombies on his Segway all whilst having lighter fluid shooting out his sleeves on the way to the Aztec Tomb?
SE: He could hide for years in the Aztec Tomb. Talk about cross promotion: the Aztek! The Pontiac Aztek already is a zombie though.
CS: How long could Lucile survive in her penthouse with nothing but Vodka?
SE: A long time, that cunt is pickled, and I see the dumb brother surviving out of pure luck.
CS: Well Buster IS A MONSTER, with his hooked hand. We also would get to see Buster making good use of his Cartography skills deciphering maps and ultimately getting them in worse situations.
SE: Zombie The Fonz would be classic.
CS: You know even after becoming Zombiefied he'd still have a greased pompadour. We'd also get to see the classic scene where Zombie Fonz gets hit with a baseball bat, and he falls into a jukebox and it comes on.
SE: What about Seinfeld? Jerry would last forever on his cereal stash. And zombie Kramer would be a riot.
CS: What’s the deal with all these walkers? I mean it’s like they aren't even human!
You know Costanza would become a Zombie in the first 5 minutes of the first episode, probably from licking an envelope.
SE: I don't know, I think he would be crafty like a cockroach and survive, if only to annoy the rest of the survivors. Although they could have a recurring theme where he starts out unzombiefied every episode and then turns at some point in each one.
CS: Costanza would be the guy to get infected in the first episode, but it takes him 7 seasons to fully turn and you get to hear about him bitch about how awful it is the entire time.
SE: Full disclosure: George Costanza is on my Mount Rushmore of favorite TV characters.
CS: It doesn't really matter who is on your Rushmore of TV Characters because Ron Swanson would be the guy to carve it.
SE: Walter White, George Costanza, Al Swearengen, and Omar, carved by Swanson. I have a thing for insufferable bastards. The Wire? We shouldn't even discuss that one; they are all survivors on that show. What about Mad Men? They would have very few tokens to kill off; a main character would die weekly.
CS: All I know about Zombie Wire, is that Omar wouldn't die... ever. Mad Men, I think they are all pretty soft in reality. Roger Sterling and Don Draper are the only two with any stones at all in that show. The rest of them are just a bunch of office yuppies. Pete wouldn't last a day. Lane would have bare knuckle brawled his way through some shit though.
SE: Betsy is clearly the Lorie character and would last about 50 episodes too long.
CS: Peggy is a survivor. I just hope we at some point in Mad Men Zombie spinoff still get to see epic Alexis Bledel sideboob.
SE: Evil, droopy, zombie side boob.
CS: Seems like we would at least have to mention Zombie Full House.
SE: Cut. It. Out.
CS: Zombie John Stamos would still be a solid 8 on the man pretty scale
SE: If there is TV in the zombie apocalypse, it would be nothing but Full House reruns. I mean it is about all you need: family oriented with a little spank material and you can always bag on Bob Saget.
CS: Can you imagine how much nasty saggy titty they would show on The Walking Dead if it were on HBO? It would be a thousand times worse than all the dudity and awkward boob shots that they show in Game of Thrones.
SE: You just gave me a horrifying thought: Zombie Girls.
CS: [SHUDDER]
SE: At least they could sew Ned Stark's head back on, and he could remain in rule. I would pay pay-per-view money to see Ned Stark behead that guitarist from the band fun. that the girl from Girls is dating or whatever.
CS: The band fun. makes me want to kick puppies...shelter houses full of puppies. There actually would probably be less killing in Game of Thrones if it were a zombie show.
SE: It drives me crazy that there are no animals on The Walking Dead. I want a fucking zombie squirrel goddamnit.
CS: ZOMBIE DRAGONS! Also I can't believe The Walking Dead hasn't snuck any Cranberries into the soundtrack. Could you imagine Zombie Office? At least then we would have Andy Bernard singing some Cranberries.
SE: I think we are missing possibly the greatest crossover show ever: Zombie MacGyver!
CS: Wouldn't MacGyver be able to solve the Zombie Apocalypse problem with some toe nail clippers, a wet napkin and an empty tube of toothpaste?
SE: I'm thinking he would become the all-time zombie death total leader.
CS: But it still wouldn't be as epic as Woody from Cheers crossing paths with Woody from Zombieland.
SE: They can cure themselves from zombiefication by pickling their bodies with expired Hostess products and Old Style.
PS:
CS: If you care to check out my podcast you can do so here
Craig Scholes: UGGGHHH!!!! Why did you even have to mention Lorie? Nobody even liked that bitch when she was alive; but, yeah, I’m kind of jealous I didn't have this idea to use on my podcast. CROSS PROMOTION! If only we knew famous comedians to plug our work, then we could have a David Cross Promotion.
Stan Earnest: Yes folks, Craig has a podcast. If you want to hear about condors meeting their demise in the grates of Chevy Blazers or vehicles missing their steering wheels in Taco Bell parking lots and the such, have a listen.
CS: Hey, we also talk about dirty toilets... but anyway. To continue with our "theme" as you astutely pointed out to me via text message: a Breaking Bad Zombie Apocalypse has some amazing potential for epic badassery. Hold up, let me get the door… I ordered Chinese for supper. They told me it would take 45 minutes, and it was here in less than seven.
SE: Them Chinese work hard...or should I say wok hard? We are going to be taking bad puns to a whole new level this time around.
CS: Wok Hard: The Ming Cox Story
SE: So should we inform our audience where we have been at lately?
CS: Sure, I've been on an expedition in lower Estonia hunting Chupacabras.
SE: Ok, well then, I can’t beat that. I’ve just been trying to feed my family. Since y’all know us as the Breaking Bad guys we better touch on that show first. We do know that Walt and Jesse have plenty of gas masks, so they could survive any airborne zombie virus, although I'm not quite certain how The Walking Dead virus works. You can basically fuck a zombie without contracting anything, but if one scratches you, you're dead.
SE: Oh man, Skyler would totally turn to the blue. She wouldn't be able to handle it. Speaking of which... Walt and Jesse would have a whole new clientele. Zombies are typically slow; imagine the damage they could do on meth.
CS: Would this transform, say Walking Dead "walkers”, into superfast running Zombies, say like Rage-induced-28-Days-Later mode?
SE: Flynn would have a hell of a time outrunning those monsters. So is he the first to go?
CS: Cripple McDipshit doesn't stand a chance, but he is the obvious answer. It would probably be someone like Beneke.
SE: Oh, holy shit. Zombie-Robocop-Max-Headroom Benecke. YES!
CS: If Breaking Bad follows The Walking Dead model, they take the two most annoying women and make them last seemingly forever. Is Skyler the Lorie character, or the Andrea character?
SE: Hmmm, she is kind of a mix of the both of them.
CS: Right. Heck she is even a little bit of Crazy Rick.
SE: Walt is most definitely Shane, in that he would understand the situation and immediately celebrate Darwinian science.
CS: I'd say he is a cross between Rick and Shane; or: Walt is Rick, and Heisenberg is Shane.
SE: I would love to see Saul in the zombie apocalypse. He would be hiding out in his lair, freaked to the max, and be forced to sleep with his clerks.
CS: Or Saul could wind up being very crafty in that type of situation. He is pretty sketchy at taking advantage of shitty situations Clearly Gustavo would be the Governor right?
SE: Stole the words right from my zombiefied brain. Problem is that the Governor is so careless. Gus was the antipathy of carelessness. One thing is for sure, Gus is already ready for the apocalypse. He doesn't even need any more makeup.
CS: How would Gale go about making his sweet coffee of the gods in the Zombie apocalypse?
SE: Oh man, he would have a team of zombies brewing it for him. Just like Bernard or whatever the name of that dumbfuck scientist the Governor employs is.
CS: Oh man, Tuco Salamanca... Merle! Zero common sense, kind of a bad ass, and has a hair trigger.
SE: Ok, well, my top 5 final survivors would be: Walt (he would probably offer the baby up for zombie feed before he got got), Jesse (just because we would want never ending "Yeah, bitches!"), Saul (crafty), Hank, and my one wildcard pick: Marie. Marie would be at peace with all the looting she could accomplish.
CS: Seems solid, what if we applied the Zombie Apocalypse to other shows... say Arrested Development. Could you imagine GOB trying to outrun zombies on his Segway all whilst having lighter fluid shooting out his sleeves on the way to the Aztec Tomb?
SE: He could hide for years in the Aztec Tomb. Talk about cross promotion: the Aztek! The Pontiac Aztek already is a zombie though.
CS: How long could Lucile survive in her penthouse with nothing but Vodka?
SE: A long time, that cunt is pickled, and I see the dumb brother surviving out of pure luck.
CS: Well Buster IS A MONSTER, with his hooked hand. We also would get to see Buster making good use of his Cartography skills deciphering maps and ultimately getting them in worse situations.
SE: Zombie The Fonz would be classic.
CS: You know even after becoming Zombiefied he'd still have a greased pompadour. We'd also get to see the classic scene where Zombie Fonz gets hit with a baseball bat, and he falls into a jukebox and it comes on.
SE: What about Seinfeld? Jerry would last forever on his cereal stash. And zombie Kramer would be a riot.
CS: What’s the deal with all these walkers? I mean it’s like they aren't even human!
You know Costanza would become a Zombie in the first 5 minutes of the first episode, probably from licking an envelope.
SE: I don't know, I think he would be crafty like a cockroach and survive, if only to annoy the rest of the survivors. Although they could have a recurring theme where he starts out unzombiefied every episode and then turns at some point in each one.
CS: Costanza would be the guy to get infected in the first episode, but it takes him 7 seasons to fully turn and you get to hear about him bitch about how awful it is the entire time.
SE: Full disclosure: George Costanza is on my Mount Rushmore of favorite TV characters.
CS: It doesn't really matter who is on your Rushmore of TV Characters because Ron Swanson would be the guy to carve it.
SE: Walter White, George Costanza, Al Swearengen, and Omar, carved by Swanson. I have a thing for insufferable bastards. The Wire? We shouldn't even discuss that one; they are all survivors on that show. What about Mad Men? They would have very few tokens to kill off; a main character would die weekly.
CS: All I know about Zombie Wire, is that Omar wouldn't die... ever. Mad Men, I think they are all pretty soft in reality. Roger Sterling and Don Draper are the only two with any stones at all in that show. The rest of them are just a bunch of office yuppies. Pete wouldn't last a day. Lane would have bare knuckle brawled his way through some shit though.
SE: Betsy is clearly the Lorie character and would last about 50 episodes too long.
SE: Evil, droopy, zombie side boob.
CS: Seems like we would at least have to mention Zombie Full House.
SE: Cut. It. Out.
CS: Zombie John Stamos would still be a solid 8 on the man pretty scale
SE: If there is TV in the zombie apocalypse, it would be nothing but Full House reruns. I mean it is about all you need: family oriented with a little spank material and you can always bag on Bob Saget.
CS: Can you imagine how much nasty saggy titty they would show on The Walking Dead if it were on HBO? It would be a thousand times worse than all the dudity and awkward boob shots that they show in Game of Thrones.
SE: You just gave me a horrifying thought: Zombie Girls.
CS: [SHUDDER]
SE: At least they could sew Ned Stark's head back on, and he could remain in rule. I would pay pay-per-view money to see Ned Stark behead that guitarist from the band fun. that the girl from Girls is dating or whatever.
CS: The band fun. makes me want to kick puppies...shelter houses full of puppies. There actually would probably be less killing in Game of Thrones if it were a zombie show.
SE: It drives me crazy that there are no animals on The Walking Dead. I want a fucking zombie squirrel goddamnit.
CS: ZOMBIE DRAGONS! Also I can't believe The Walking Dead hasn't snuck any Cranberries into the soundtrack. Could you imagine Zombie Office? At least then we would have Andy Bernard singing some Cranberries.
SE: I think we are missing possibly the greatest crossover show ever: Zombie MacGyver!
CS: Wouldn't MacGyver be able to solve the Zombie Apocalypse problem with some toe nail clippers, a wet napkin and an empty tube of toothpaste?
SE: I'm thinking he would become the all-time zombie death total leader.
CS: But it still wouldn't be as epic as Woody from Cheers crossing paths with Woody from Zombieland.
SE: They can cure themselves from zombiefication by pickling their bodies with expired Hostess products and Old Style.
PS:
CS: If you care to check out my podcast you can do so here
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Wordy Old Men on Downton Abbey: Series Three, Episode Seven [Christmas Special - "A Journey to the Highlands"]
This is the Christmas Special following the third season. If it were formally included in the series run, this is the ninth episode if you watched as they aired or are following along on DVD
or Blu-ray. Of course, we're all seeing it seven weeks later, and many have not been so fortunate as to avoid the spoilers thanks to PBS's decision to delay airing the program stateside. As it is here at Inconsiderate Prick, Wordy Ginters and Josh "Old Man" Duggan will be your guides.
Old Man Duggan: So we jump ahead a full year. Despite the fact that this Third Series didn't advance through time quite as freely as the prior two did, we find ourselves in the ninth month of 1921, a full nine years later than where things kicked off. It seems a shame that Fellowes didn't expedite the Bates absolution a bit, especially given how much it all dragged, but maybe he'll advance things a little more rapidly this next series.
Wordy Ginters: I hope so. I assume we'll get to the ending in a minute. Despite that sour note from my vantage point, the last few episodes have salvaged the season, in large part because several monotonous plot threads were unstuck and set free, which clears space for new possibilities.
OMD: The new blonde maid checking out Branson as he passed by looked suspicious from the get-go. Moving right on past the fact that her head was shaped like an alien's head, it was clear to me that she was up to no good. Edna. Every British Edna is really a man, right? I think I learned that in school.
WG: Fellowes left his poker face in his kit bag. Too many telegraphed punches. Some of these last episode of the season moves would have detonated a bigger payoff with more set-up. You knew Mr. Edna wanted in Branson's trousers from jump street.
OMD: Every once in a while, Bates will be doing something and the look on Brendan Coyle's face will seem so severe and dour as to make me wonder whether or not he is raging on the inside. Obviously it would appear as though that is not the case, as it does not appear to make sense when looking at Bates's nature, but when he was walking out of the kitchen after detailing how his Lordship loves going to Duneagle, that scowl that I project onto him appeared and I couldn't help but think to myself how he would make a great villainous mastermind to play foil to John McClane, John Rambo, or Chev Chelios.
WG: Coyle is one of the few members of the Downton crew I'd be drawn to see in another project. Crank 3: Port of Call Ripon.
OMD: Oh, no standard opening credits sequence this week, that means we have to wait an extra week (45 in total) before we see Isis's ass again to rev us up for new Downton Abbey. Do you think they're paying Branson to dog-sit while they're away?
WG: I was hoping we'd see Branson mincing about in one of Lady Cora's gowns, locking up Isis in a shed, or using Edith's toothbrush. Something with a little character. Some flair. Some reality. I know I'd have one of those beautiful gowns on before the last suitcase was loaded. I bet they are silky smooth.
OMD: No doubt.
Mary's pregnant.Color Colour me shocked.
WG: Too obvious, right? Perhaps this is the downside of the "one year later" gambit. When you drop theoretically big plot twists out of the sky, they ring off-key. Fellowes has been building pregnancy drama for the bulk of the season. To defuse that tension by planting a baby boy in Mary's womb in the last episode cheapened it somehow. It gave the whole thing a patina of cheese. Smoked Gouda.
OMD: More so than anything else, this episode made me yearn to go back to Scotland. Both my siblings studied outside of Edinburgh for a semester, my brother returned for a semester to work with the study abroad program, and my parents and sister were each married on the Isle of Mull. If I could move anywhere in the world, weather be damned, I do believe it'd be Scotland. For those curious, the scenes at "Duneagle" were filmed at Inveraray Castle outside of Inveraray in the county of Argyll, and sits near Loch Lyne. It's haunted by the ghost of a harpist who'd been hanged after peeping at a lady of the house. The chief of Clan Campbell, the Duke of Argyll, resides there. It's also a stone's throw from Oban which sets off a Pavlovian response in my salivary glands.
WG: Absolutely beautiful. One of my favorite scenes from Trainspotting is when they take a momentary break from the drugging grind and hike out into nature. One of the characters talks about how foolish it is that they run down Scotland and spend their days blissed out on heroin when the beautiful countryside is literally outside every window. Gorgeous country. Impressive Scottish street cred you've accumulated there. I've got a sister-in-law who works in a small village between Edinburgh and Glasgow. The best thing about her infrequent visits back to the states are the countryside photos she brings with her.
OMD: The condition to all that would be, of course, that I'd want to be as far as possible from Shrimpy and his family. The marital strife and incessant bickering would be much more than I'd care to immerse myself into, no matter the cost. Susan is positively insufferable. Every moment she was on screen was a moment in which I wanted to have someone, anyone stomp on my testes, and not in a pleasurable way. I feel bad for Shrimpy being stuck in a marriage as discordant as theirs. When he says, "We don't like each other," I understand completely. I can't fucking stand Susan.
WG: Jesus, she sucked. I thought Fellowes was paying homage to Single White Female with Susan and Cora, and the dueling haircuts. I was waiting for Susan to sneak into Lord Grantham's room and give him a blackmail beej.
OMD: If he can't summon an erection, does it still count?
If I wouldn't want to be around that familial conflict, then I really want nothing to do with the nonsense going on downstairs at Duneagle. Holy shit, those Scots are serious.
WG: Carson's counterpart was terrifying.
OMD: Every time they showed him, I shat myself.
When Isobel and Branson supped, I instantaneously cringed at the inevitability of Branson and Edna getting briefly entangled, as the transvestite alien spied a possible way to jump class strata. No me gusta. When she asked if Branson was ashamed of himself or what he was, I wanted to cut out her tongue. Do not fuck with Branson, Edna. You won't like what it gets you. Of course, her ham-handed button-pushing was instantly identified by the ever empathetic Mrs. Hughes, and the fiendish Edna was sent packing. It sure as shit looks to me that toying with Branson's emotions gets your ass fired if Mrs. Hughes picks up on it.
WG: I was disappointed he played the rube. Look, we all know Branson has had a rough couple of years. A fucking whirlwind. Can't be disputed. But where is the street tough revolutionary who fire bombed the swells mansion back in Dublin? That cat is long gone. He went from The Clash to The Alarm far too quickly.
OMD: Waking every morning to the 'pipes would be abrasive. I like the bagpipes as much as the next guy, but holy hell are they loud.
WG: I enjoyed the look on the Dowager's face immensely. Reminded me of the impromptu disgust she displayed when Shirley McClain was singing to her way back when. Does anyone register the unspoken "are you shitting me?" better than the Dowager?
OMD: Doesn't it seem like Mrs. Patmore's sleezy courtier had to have been transported forward in time from the 1920s? There's no way that guy is actually alive right now, is there? He could pass for Sloth's brother. How the hell is it that Patmore's back was turned every time he skeezed on a lady.
WG: He was a combo of Mel Sharples from The Brady Bunch and Schneider from One Day at a Time. A sweaty charmer.
OMD: Servants at the county fair. The family at the Gillies' Ball. This would appear to be the party down episode. If only Party Down were catering both of the functions [he looks longingly off into the distance]. I'd like to see how many R.D.D.s and R.D.D.s those Scottish servants would register on Ron Donald's watch. Also, I don't often agree with Carson, but when he said that "[he] would sooner chew broken glass" I laughed, but most of that comes from my similar disposition when it comes to spending time with the people. Do you think the merry-go-round was the same one used at the end of Strangers on a Train? I bet it was. It's still crazy to think that Hitchcock actually had that old man crawling under that contraption, hazarding death. Jimmy/James is quite the hustler, eh? No wonder Thomas fell hard for him. I'm glad Thomas and Jimmy made amends, if only just a bit. If you told me that I'd say anything nice about Thomas a year ago, I'd have punched you in the teeth.
WG: Exactly. Despite the fumbled footwork on some ends, Fellowes still comes through by making the unsympathetic sympathetic. I thought that merry-go-round came straight from the set of The Crush.
OMD: Fucking Lady Rose. The instant she returned to the screen there was one thing that I was certain of: she's replacing Sybil. Fuck me. The "mommy won't let me tart it up in the city" woe is me bullshit is not endearing her to me at all. Furthermore, I just don't see how Fellowes will be able to make her interesting. Surprise me, Julian. Please.
WG: Would it be possible to link her romantically with Branson? How about Carson? How about Edith?
OMD: My hope is that Carson finds love, even if it's not with Mrs. Hughes.
Clarkson and Isobel? What the fuck is going on here? Are we watching some weird, between war game show called Coupling Up? Are the hosts Ivor Novello and Lillian Gish? Clarkson gets himself a bit of the old liquid courage, musters up the gumption to ask her to think on marrying him, only to have her seemingly misunderstand what he was getting at while telling him she was afraid of change/remarriage.
WG: Did she know what was going on? I think she was completely daft. She's too busy working on the social safety net to be concerned about a crazy little thing like love.
OMD: I think she was completely oblivious.
Edith and Gregson. He loves her, obviously, but it wouldn't be an Edith love interest without an impassable hurdle. Of all of her prospective beaus, I actually like Gregson the most, but mostly because Strallan was disturbingly old. I'll never forget how Strallan had Branson's back after he was dosed, though. I love you, Sir Anthony.
WG: It will be interesting to see who Fellowes degrades more next season, Bates or Edith. With relatively bright skies shining over Bates and Anna, they would appear to be doomed. I can only assume that Gregson will be killed in a car accident.
OMD: Yeah, the family Bates is fucked.
So I happened across a headline on the front page of IMDb on what couldn't have been later than December 27th talking about what was next for Downton Abbey without Dan Stevens. I was fucking livid. This is the second time in three years that I've had a character's death spoiled in a fucking headline within a day or two of the episode airing. Have some fucking class, internet. Basically, I spent the entire episode waiting for the shoe to drop. Does he do something stupid to wrong Mary or does he just die? When does he die? How does he die? The whole fucking episode I just sat there guessing. Hunting accident? Shoe-horned affair? Hit by a stray shot as Susan attempts to kill Shrimpy? Death by food allergy while eating exotic food Scottish fare in the highlands? Turns out it was death by lorry while delivering news of a baby boy to the family at Downton. His death was presaged, of course, by two events in the first two episodes of this Third Series. The first shot of the second episode was Mary and Matthew in the death trap convertible talking about how shocked they Grantham household would be. More importantly, though, Mary sealed Matthew's fate when they were making up through the door the night before their wedding. When they kissed, she opened her eyes to look upon him. She fucking cursed their marriage and cemented Matthew's future in the form of a tombstone.
WG: I knew from the moment I (repeatedly) saw dark clouds hovering over the impossibly beautiful fields of Scottish heather that something dark was going down. When Matthew seemed so ridiculously and over the top happy and care free in his car, my suspicions were further affirmed. Reminded me of Ben Gazzarra swerving from side of the highway and nearly picking off the Swayze in Road House. Too much too soon. I like that Fellowes is shaking things up, and willing to kill off favorites. But too melodramatic. Would you be surprised if Season 4 opened and Young Mr. Sybil is 5 years old (they are naming the boy Sybil, right?), and Matthew's death was just a dream that he was having?
OMD: Yeah. Stevens has a life outside of acting. He publishes a literary journal and has been on the judge on the Man Booker Prize panel. Stevens's was apparently not going to come back for a fourth season from the onset of the series. He was out so it just was down to how he was leaving.
So Mary and Matthew had to have dabbled in F2FA, right? I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Lady Mary Crawley's anus is a deathtrap.
WG: Even light can't escape it.
or Blu-ray. Of course, we're all seeing it seven weeks later, and many have not been so fortunate as to avoid the spoilers thanks to PBS's decision to delay airing the program stateside. As it is here at Inconsiderate Prick, Wordy Ginters and Josh "Old Man" Duggan will be your guides.Old Man Duggan: So we jump ahead a full year. Despite the fact that this Third Series didn't advance through time quite as freely as the prior two did, we find ourselves in the ninth month of 1921, a full nine years later than where things kicked off. It seems a shame that Fellowes didn't expedite the Bates absolution a bit, especially given how much it all dragged, but maybe he'll advance things a little more rapidly this next series.
Wordy Ginters: I hope so. I assume we'll get to the ending in a minute. Despite that sour note from my vantage point, the last few episodes have salvaged the season, in large part because several monotonous plot threads were unstuck and set free, which clears space for new possibilities.
OMD: The new blonde maid checking out Branson as he passed by looked suspicious from the get-go. Moving right on past the fact that her head was shaped like an alien's head, it was clear to me that she was up to no good. Edna. Every British Edna is really a man, right? I think I learned that in school.
WG: Fellowes left his poker face in his kit bag. Too many telegraphed punches. Some of these last episode of the season moves would have detonated a bigger payoff with more set-up. You knew Mr. Edna wanted in Branson's trousers from jump street.
 |
| Chev vs. Bates: The Movie We All Want To See |
WG: Coyle is one of the few members of the Downton crew I'd be drawn to see in another project. Crank 3: Port of Call Ripon.
OMD: Oh, no standard opening credits sequence this week, that means we have to wait an extra week (45 in total) before we see Isis's ass again to rev us up for new Downton Abbey. Do you think they're paying Branson to dog-sit while they're away?
WG: I was hoping we'd see Branson mincing about in one of Lady Cora's gowns, locking up Isis in a shed, or using Edith's toothbrush. Something with a little character. Some flair. Some reality. I know I'd have one of those beautiful gowns on before the last suitcase was loaded. I bet they are silky smooth.
OMD: No doubt.
Mary's pregnant.
WG: Too obvious, right? Perhaps this is the downside of the "one year later" gambit. When you drop theoretically big plot twists out of the sky, they ring off-key. Fellowes has been building pregnancy drama for the bulk of the season. To defuse that tension by planting a baby boy in Mary's womb in the last episode cheapened it somehow. It gave the whole thing a patina of cheese. Smoked Gouda.
WG: Absolutely beautiful. One of my favorite scenes from Trainspotting is when they take a momentary break from the drugging grind and hike out into nature. One of the characters talks about how foolish it is that they run down Scotland and spend their days blissed out on heroin when the beautiful countryside is literally outside every window. Gorgeous country. Impressive Scottish street cred you've accumulated there. I've got a sister-in-law who works in a small village between Edinburgh and Glasgow. The best thing about her infrequent visits back to the states are the countryside photos she brings with her.
OMD: The condition to all that would be, of course, that I'd want to be as far as possible from Shrimpy and his family. The marital strife and incessant bickering would be much more than I'd care to immerse myself into, no matter the cost. Susan is positively insufferable. Every moment she was on screen was a moment in which I wanted to have someone, anyone stomp on my testes, and not in a pleasurable way. I feel bad for Shrimpy being stuck in a marriage as discordant as theirs. When he says, "We don't like each other," I understand completely. I can't fucking stand Susan.
WG: Jesus, she sucked. I thought Fellowes was paying homage to Single White Female with Susan and Cora, and the dueling haircuts. I was waiting for Susan to sneak into Lord Grantham's room and give him a blackmail beej.
OMD: If he can't summon an erection, does it still count?
If I wouldn't want to be around that familial conflict, then I really want nothing to do with the nonsense going on downstairs at Duneagle. Holy shit, those Scots are serious.
WG: Carson's counterpart was terrifying.
OMD: Every time they showed him, I shat myself.
When Isobel and Branson supped, I instantaneously cringed at the inevitability of Branson and Edna getting briefly entangled, as the transvestite alien spied a possible way to jump class strata. No me gusta. When she asked if Branson was ashamed of himself or what he was, I wanted to cut out her tongue. Do not fuck with Branson, Edna. You won't like what it gets you. Of course, her ham-handed button-pushing was instantly identified by the ever empathetic Mrs. Hughes, and the fiendish Edna was sent packing. It sure as shit looks to me that toying with Branson's emotions gets your ass fired if Mrs. Hughes picks up on it.
WG: I was disappointed he played the rube. Look, we all know Branson has had a rough couple of years. A fucking whirlwind. Can't be disputed. But where is the street tough revolutionary who fire bombed the swells mansion back in Dublin? That cat is long gone. He went from The Clash to The Alarm far too quickly.
OMD: Waking every morning to the 'pipes would be abrasive. I like the bagpipes as much as the next guy, but holy hell are they loud.
WG: I enjoyed the look on the Dowager's face immensely. Reminded me of the impromptu disgust she displayed when Shirley McClain was singing to her way back when. Does anyone register the unspoken "are you shitting me?" better than the Dowager?
 |
| Tufton, ca. 1980 |
WG: He was a combo of Mel Sharples from The Brady Bunch and Schneider from One Day at a Time. A sweaty charmer.
OMD: Servants at the county fair. The family at the Gillies' Ball. This would appear to be the party down episode. If only Party Down were catering both of the functions [he looks longingly off into the distance]. I'd like to see how many R.D.D.s and R.D.D.s those Scottish servants would register on Ron Donald's watch. Also, I don't often agree with Carson, but when he said that "[he] would sooner chew broken glass" I laughed, but most of that comes from my similar disposition when it comes to spending time with the people. Do you think the merry-go-round was the same one used at the end of Strangers on a Train? I bet it was. It's still crazy to think that Hitchcock actually had that old man crawling under that contraption, hazarding death. Jimmy/James is quite the hustler, eh? No wonder Thomas fell hard for him. I'm glad Thomas and Jimmy made amends, if only just a bit. If you told me that I'd say anything nice about Thomas a year ago, I'd have punched you in the teeth.
WG: Exactly. Despite the fumbled footwork on some ends, Fellowes still comes through by making the unsympathetic sympathetic. I thought that merry-go-round came straight from the set of The Crush.
OMD: Fucking Lady Rose. The instant she returned to the screen there was one thing that I was certain of: she's replacing Sybil. Fuck me. The "mommy won't let me tart it up in the city" woe is me bullshit is not endearing her to me at all. Furthermore, I just don't see how Fellowes will be able to make her interesting. Surprise me, Julian. Please.
WG: Would it be possible to link her romantically with Branson? How about Carson? How about Edith?
OMD: My hope is that Carson finds love, even if it's not with Mrs. Hughes.
Clarkson and Isobel? What the fuck is going on here? Are we watching some weird, between war game show called Coupling Up? Are the hosts Ivor Novello and Lillian Gish? Clarkson gets himself a bit of the old liquid courage, musters up the gumption to ask her to think on marrying him, only to have her seemingly misunderstand what he was getting at while telling him she was afraid of change/remarriage.
WG: Did she know what was going on? I think she was completely daft. She's too busy working on the social safety net to be concerned about a crazy little thing like love.
OMD: I think she was completely oblivious.
Edith and Gregson. He loves her, obviously, but it wouldn't be an Edith love interest without an impassable hurdle. Of all of her prospective beaus, I actually like Gregson the most, but mostly because Strallan was disturbingly old. I'll never forget how Strallan had Branson's back after he was dosed, though. I love you, Sir Anthony.
WG: It will be interesting to see who Fellowes degrades more next season, Bates or Edith. With relatively bright skies shining over Bates and Anna, they would appear to be doomed. I can only assume that Gregson will be killed in a car accident.
OMD: Yeah, the family Bates is fucked.
So I happened across a headline on the front page of IMDb on what couldn't have been later than December 27th talking about what was next for Downton Abbey without Dan Stevens. I was fucking livid. This is the second time in three years that I've had a character's death spoiled in a fucking headline within a day or two of the episode airing. Have some fucking class, internet. Basically, I spent the entire episode waiting for the shoe to drop. Does he do something stupid to wrong Mary or does he just die? When does he die? How does he die? The whole fucking episode I just sat there guessing. Hunting accident? Shoe-horned affair? Hit by a stray shot as Susan attempts to kill Shrimpy? Death by food allergy while eating exotic food Scottish fare in the highlands? Turns out it was death by lorry while delivering news of a baby boy to the family at Downton. His death was presaged, of course, by two events in the first two episodes of this Third Series. The first shot of the second episode was Mary and Matthew in the death trap convertible talking about how shocked they Grantham household would be. More importantly, though, Mary sealed Matthew's fate when they were making up through the door the night before their wedding. When they kissed, she opened her eyes to look upon him. She fucking cursed their marriage and cemented Matthew's future in the form of a tombstone.
WG: I knew from the moment I (repeatedly) saw dark clouds hovering over the impossibly beautiful fields of Scottish heather that something dark was going down. When Matthew seemed so ridiculously and over the top happy and care free in his car, my suspicions were further affirmed. Reminded me of Ben Gazzarra swerving from side of the highway and nearly picking off the Swayze in Road House. Too much too soon. I like that Fellowes is shaking things up, and willing to kill off favorites. But too melodramatic. Would you be surprised if Season 4 opened and Young Mr. Sybil is 5 years old (they are naming the boy Sybil, right?), and Matthew's death was just a dream that he was having?
OMD: Yeah. Stevens has a life outside of acting. He publishes a literary journal and has been on the judge on the Man Booker Prize panel. Stevens's was apparently not going to come back for a fourth season from the onset of the series. He was out so it just was down to how he was leaving.
So Mary and Matthew had to have dabbled in F2FA, right? I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Lady Mary Crawley's anus is a deathtrap.
WG: Even light can't escape it.
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