True Detective: Season One, Episode One "The Long Bright Dark"

The first episode of True Detective entitled "The Long Bright Dark" brings us a dead woman with deer antlers for a crown, then spills over from there into the personal life of two detectives, one with family and earnest living concerns and the other with a concern for good old-fashioned alcoholic self-destruction. 

Killer Joe vs. Billy Hoyle

Stan Earnest: T-Bone Burnett! Fuck yes! Love the opening credits. 

Craig Scholes: Mc-Con-uh-hey ages like shit in this.

SE: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! We are in the McConaussance!

CS:  Long-haired, handle-bar mustachioed, arm-tat future Mc-Con-uh-hey looks like a real pederast.

SE: Don't mess with the Jesus.

CS: It’s a good thing this takes place in Louisiana instead of Miami; I'd hate for this to be a Dexter spinoff.

SE: Fuck the last season of Dexter with the passion of a hundred-million suns. I'm a big true crime fan, so it has been a long time coming for a fictional show that does detective work any justice. I have high hopes for this show. This better not be some hybrid CSI bullshit, so far so good.

CS: You'd think smoking at a crime scene would be frowned upon.

SE: I've always thought hovering around a crime scene would be weird. How are cops not required to wear gloves immediately? Not securing the crime scene was the key mishap of the Jon-Benet Ramsay case.

Alright, alright, alright! Mc-Con-uh-hey is really putting on a clinic here.

CS: He has come a long way since trolling for high school chicks.

SE: Do you think they used superglue or velcro for Woody's mop? He really is putting Bruce Willis's hair stylist to shame. Stay sexy Woody.

CS: I hope they used that aerosol spray-on adhesive for Woody's rug.

SE: "It's all one ghetto man. A giant gutter in outer space." My lands, this shit is gonna be dark.

CS: I was on the fence about this show until the very last line: "Then you better start asking the right fucking questions."

SE: I'm sold, and the reason is that most detective shows fall flat because either: a) shitty acting, or b) trying to make a detective case have to many twists and turns. This one has character. They are somehow making these scenes where nothing happens matter. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

CS: For me I don't even care about the case or where it’s going. I want to know where Mc-Con-uh-hey is going. I should really learn how to spell his name.

SE: Matthew McConaughey. I have to admit that I checked IMDB for that. I also thought that was Lester Freamon in the church, but IMDB says no. [**CORRECTION** IMDB now has Clarke Peters listed as an actor in True Detective.]

CS: Lester Freamon on a case, and it won't be a case for very long.

SE: That’s right, gotta have some good old-fashioned existential drunks on the scene. Maybe Lester is the killer. I mean he loved him some tiny furniture crafting, maybe he's moved on to those little devil's nest thingies.

All the pieces matter.

CS: Lone Star tall-boys to the rescue!

SE: Wife has The Golden Globes on, I think Joaquin Phoenix's neck beard could play a role in True Detective. McConaughey's stache would kick its ass.

CS: Of course Joaquin will always have a disadvantage in the facial hair department because of the harelip.

SE: One episode in and Craig is in true form. You’ve already picked on fictional characters (Flynn from Breaking Bad), now you're in a full-on war with harelips?

CS: *Shameless plug alert* You should hear what I have to say about kids with Down Syndrome on my podcast. Teaser...next episode of the podcast is called "Mid-American Charlie Sheen”.

SE: Yes, listen to Craig's podcast. I laugh ballz [OMD: Fuck you, Stan. That alternate spelling instantly made this website the worst ever. I hope you're happy.] at least once an episode. (I'm setting the over/under on the text I get from Old Man Duggan for putting that last sentence in at 237 characters and I'm taking the over).

So what is it about this show that you think makes it so good? I hope this slow burn keeps weaving the characters into more sinister places and doesn't worry about too much of a let's-catch-this-killer-now plot.

CS: Honestly, the first half didn't have me at all. I don’t care much about shows just about murder solving. I’m a big fan of the idea of them rehashing the story ten or so years down the line. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens between them because they don't appear to really be fans of each other.

SE: That scene in the car with McConaughey waxing about his biological programming while Woody tried to verbally put his burning cigarette out ranks up there with only a few scenes I can remember off-hand where I was just in awe. I'm thinking Donald Sutherland and Judd Hirsch from Ordinary People for some reason.

CS: I'll have to go back and re-watch that scene. That was around the time I was losing interest.

SE: You're a monster, Craig. That was where I was gaining interest. The script in that scene is admirable.

CS: So where do you hope this goes? I personally already don't really give a shit about Woody. I just want to know where McConaughey goes in this.

SE: I want to see how Woody stands up next to the force that McConaughey is, so far so good. I'm just hoping this doesn't become unhinged after a few eps like the other detective show I unfortunately watched all of (The Killing...ahem). 

 

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT! As I type this McConaughey wins a Golden Globe and opens his speech with "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!"

CS: Money!

Follow Craig @anaveragegatsby  and Stan @StanEarnest