True Detective: Season One, Episode One "The Long Bright Dark"

The first episode of True Detective entitled "The Long Bright Dark" brings us a dead woman with deer antlers for a crown, then spills over from there into the personal life of two detectives, one with family and earnest living concerns and the other with a concern for good old-fashioned alcoholic self-destruction. 

Killer Joe vs. Billy Hoyle

Stan Earnest: T-Bone Burnett! Fuck yes! Love the opening credits. 

Craig Scholes: Mc-Con-uh-hey ages like shit in this.

SE: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! We are in the McConaussance!

CS:  Long-haired, handle-bar mustachioed, arm-tat future Mc-Con-uh-hey looks like a real pederast.

SE: Don't mess with the Jesus.

CS: It’s a good thing this takes place in Louisiana instead of Miami; I'd hate for this to be a Dexter spinoff.

SE: Fuck the last season of Dexter with the passion of a hundred-million suns. I'm a big true crime fan, so it has been a long time coming for a fictional show that does detective work any justice. I have high hopes for this show. This better not be some hybrid CSI bullshit, so far so good.

CS: You'd think smoking at a crime scene would be frowned upon.

SE: I've always thought hovering around a crime scene would be weird. How are cops not required to wear gloves immediately? Not securing the crime scene was the key mishap of the Jon-Benet Ramsay case.

Alright, alright, alright! Mc-Con-uh-hey is really putting on a clinic here.

CS: He has come a long way since trolling for high school chicks.

SE: Do you think they used superglue or velcro for Woody's mop? He really is putting Bruce Willis's hair stylist to shame. Stay sexy Woody.

CS: I hope they used that aerosol spray-on adhesive for Woody's rug.

SE: "It's all one ghetto man. A giant gutter in outer space." My lands, this shit is gonna be dark.

CS: I was on the fence about this show until the very last line: "Then you better start asking the right fucking questions."

SE: I'm sold, and the reason is that most detective shows fall flat because either: a) shitty acting, or b) trying to make a detective case have to many twists and turns. This one has character. They are somehow making these scenes where nothing happens matter. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

CS: For me I don't even care about the case or where it’s going. I want to know where Mc-Con-uh-hey is going. I should really learn how to spell his name.

SE: Matthew McConaughey. I have to admit that I checked IMDB for that. I also thought that was Lester Freamon in the church, but IMDB says no. [**CORRECTION** IMDB now has Clarke Peters listed as an actor in True Detective.]

CS: Lester Freamon on a case, and it won't be a case for very long.

SE: That’s right, gotta have some good old-fashioned existential drunks on the scene. Maybe Lester is the killer. I mean he loved him some tiny furniture crafting, maybe he's moved on to those little devil's nest thingies.

All the pieces matter.

CS: Lone Star tall-boys to the rescue!

SE: Wife has The Golden Globes on, I think Joaquin Phoenix's neck beard could play a role in True Detective. McConaughey's stache would kick its ass.

CS: Of course Joaquin will always have a disadvantage in the facial hair department because of the harelip.

SE: One episode in and Craig is in true form. You’ve already picked on fictional characters (Flynn from Breaking Bad), now you're in a full-on war with harelips?

CS: *Shameless plug alert* You should hear what I have to say about kids with Down Syndrome on my podcast. Teaser...next episode of the podcast is called "Mid-American Charlie Sheen”.

SE: Yes, listen to Craig's podcast. I laugh ballz [OMD: Fuck you, Stan. That alternate spelling instantly made this website the worst ever. I hope you're happy.] at least once an episode. (I'm setting the over/under on the text I get from Old Man Duggan for putting that last sentence in at 237 characters and I'm taking the over).

So what is it about this show that you think makes it so good? I hope this slow burn keeps weaving the characters into more sinister places and doesn't worry about too much of a let's-catch-this-killer-now plot.

CS: Honestly, the first half didn't have me at all. I don’t care much about shows just about murder solving. I’m a big fan of the idea of them rehashing the story ten or so years down the line. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens between them because they don't appear to really be fans of each other.

SE: That scene in the car with McConaughey waxing about his biological programming while Woody tried to verbally put his burning cigarette out ranks up there with only a few scenes I can remember off-hand where I was just in awe. I'm thinking Donald Sutherland and Judd Hirsch from Ordinary People for some reason.

CS: I'll have to go back and re-watch that scene. That was around the time I was losing interest.

SE: You're a monster, Craig. That was where I was gaining interest. The script in that scene is admirable.

CS: So where do you hope this goes? I personally already don't really give a shit about Woody. I just want to know where McConaughey goes in this.

SE: I want to see how Woody stands up next to the force that McConaughey is, so far so good. I'm just hoping this doesn't become unhinged after a few eps like the other detective show I unfortunately watched all of (The Killing...ahem). 

 

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT! As I type this McConaughey wins a Golden Globe and opens his speech with "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!"

CS: Money!

Follow Craig @anaveragegatsby  and Stan @StanEarnest

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Sixteen: "Felina"

Stan Earnest: Golf clap.

Craig Scholes: I have mixed feelings on it.  I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't love it.  I liked it; I’m not disappointed.  But I don't think it’s the best finale ever.

SE: So tell me what finale was better?

CS: Friday Night Lights.

SE: I take it Landry lives in that one? I should say kills.

CS: Yeah, but that’s not what made it great.

SE: Here is what made this great: Walt wins, and Jesse wins. Everybody wins.

CS: Walt didn't win.

SE: Walt was going to die anyhow. This way he saves Jesse and finds a way to get money to his family.

CS: I think it was a Plan B. It wasn't how he wanted to go out; it’s just the compromise he settled for.

SE: I'm pissed that Jesse doesn't have a barrel of cashola in the back of that El Camino.

CS: I hope Jesse goes "home.”

SE: Home is where the Hartwell is.

CS: I loved the fantasy of him woodworking.

SE: Ways it could have been better: 1. Bill Burr. 2. Walt crushes some blue with the butt of the M60 and snorts it pre-battle. 3. Walt actually fires the weapon. 4. Jesse leaves with money.

CS: I absolutely loved the erector set assassin kit. Lego Mindstorm will be releasing their version next fall.

Meth Damon's reconstruction of the train robbery

SE: I honestly don't see a better ending to this thing, other than the fact that Jesse could have had Andrea waiting for him.

I just realized that "Baby Blue" is in reference to the meth, first Tommy James and the Shondells and now Badfinger? How many songs about blue meth are there?

CS: Well since blue meth isn't really a thing outside of the Breaking Bad world, probably zero.

SE: If ricin really takes four days to kill, then Lydia still has time to do some damage to Walt's family right?

CS: I thought it was two days.

SE: All I know is that they had to pay Laura Fraser a Walt barrel to remove her makeup. Was that Charlize Theron from Monster?

CS: I didn't think she looked that bad. I think it was part of the character because she was so concerned with how she was perceived, and at that point she was as vulnerable as she could ever be.

SE: And watch out Dwight Schrute, the Walt barrel is giving the Schrute buck a literal run for its money.

CS: I thought it would have been hilarious if Skyler just kept blowing smoke in Walt’s face telling him to die.

SE: I was hoping Beneke would be there chilling on the sofa watching Friends.

CS: I really don't get your obsession with Beneke.

SE: He should be dead for messing around with Heisenberg's woman. But hey, another quaalude and she'll love me in the morning.

CS: I would have liked to have seen a scene where Walt is at a stop light in the Volvo and Beneke shoots by blowing into a tube to make his wheelchair cross the street.

SE: Fantastic. Damn you Gilligan, not all loose ends were tied up! I wanted to see Huell all bugged out eating a rack of ribs in Robert Forster's dungeon.

CS: I hope Bill Burr becomes a sketchy henchman for Robert Forster now.

SE: Tell me it wasn't genius to bring Badger and Skinny Pete back into action. Walt probably found them at Jesse's place still ripping on Chekhov's bongs.

CS: I think we have an opportunity for another spinoff: the Badger and Skinny Pete assassin service.

SE: Walt's plan with Gretchen and Elliot was superb. I couldn't help but to be full-on rooting for Walt at that point. All those riches can't make up for missing out on that big ass Walt cock. Take that Gretchen! Of course, she has had Elliot's ears to hang on to during cunnilingus over the years.

CS: Boy was I wrong about them getting ricin'd. Walt's pride really was his undoing.

SE: I called the Marty Robbins shit though. I put the over/under on days in a row I listen to ole Marty at 7 and I'm taking the over.

CS: If you put those odds for me and set them at half a day. Take the under.

SE: I feel like my dad and I put together the soundtrack for Breaking Bad. For every random new track, there was a splash of white-old-man-grew-up-in-the-70s twinge thrown in, fucking Boz Scaggs.

CS: But on the other hand they had that amazing song by Jose Gonzalez in the teaser for the last episode. And that Lydia ringtone was fucking creepy.

SE: Even if you just take these last eight episodes as the final season, I don't see any other final season that was better. Breaking Bad started as my own special show during Seasons One and Two, and then morphed into the best television show ever. This would be like if I was a fan of the Cleveland Browns since the 1950s and they suddenly won like ten Super Bowls in a row. Thank you Breaking Bad. It was a wild ride.

CS: Overdramatic much?

SE: But maybe I just feel this way because the most recent last season I remember is Dexter, the most blasphemous final season of a show ever. That shit made the Sopranos ending look like the final ten minutes of The Godfather: Part II.

CS: I'll get around to watching the last season of Dexter, but I’m not looking forward to it.

SE: When it comes to Breaking Bad, I just associate with a man eviscerated by his surroundings while trying to play fair.

CS: Play fair?  How did Walt ever play fair?

SE: Exactly, once he stopped playing fair a whole new world opened up for him. That fantasy world he was so good at.

CS: “I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it.”

SE: That's what I tell my wife when I play fantasy football. Very similar worlds.

CS: That's basically my excuse for procrastinating.

SE: You mean procrasturbating?

CS: I never put that off.

SE: Can we get a show about how to pull off Breaking Bad stunts hosted by Richard Dean Anderson? Maybe this is how I'll describe Breaking Bad to folks that haven't seen it: It's like MacGyver meets Scarface meets Everybody Loves Raymond.

CS: Everybody Loves Raymond?

SE: Everybody Loves Walter Hartwell White. Yeah, in the small segments of that show I've seen his wife is always busting his balls.

CS: I've never really seen it, so I'll take your word.

SE: You called it last week with Walt not being adept enough to fire the M60, so it stays true to the show’s nature that Walt would blind the Nazi's with science.

CS: I do like him putting the last bullet in Uncle Jack’s dome. So do you have any last gushings about how your life won't be the same without this show anymore?

SE: Well, I could really use the ten hours a week I have been dedicating to the Bald Move podcasts and Sepinwall columns.

CS: Now what?  Do we start writing about Zero Dark Detroit, or Low Winter Scrotum, whatever the fuck that fucking show is called.

SE: Every week the same three-word column: "This show sucks." And then we just start talking about how much we miss Breaking Bad.

CS: I'd just have to assume it still sucks, because no way I actually watch any more of it.

SE: Walter could still become a zombie that runs into post-apocalyptic Jesse. The new Walking Dead season looks like it needs a new direction.

CS: I think I’m done with that show.  I hate basically every character on that show.

SE: Yeah, that show needs a Tuco. That reign of Cadillac trunk fire reminded me of a Fourth of July when one of my narcissistic buddies unwound like 1,000 packs of Black Cats into a bucket and then smoked around them, and they all went up in a two-minute hellfire blaze.

CS: I think it would have been awesome if Walt let off the trigger before he ran out of ammo to trick someone into standing up, and then finished them off with the last few rounds.

SE: Then we wouldn't have the audience gifted Todd's murder by Jesse. That thing was wrapped with more ribbons than a Christmas Day Lexus.

CS: We still could have had that, Landry ain't bright. Are we not gonna talk about Flynn wearing Timberlands with Zubaz?

SE: Nah, let's just end on that image of Walt watching him enter that apartment and close the door behind him. That is where most lackluster shows would end it.

CS: What would have been the "Scooby-Doo" ending for Breaking Bad?

SE: I was just wondering what the Stephen-King ending would be. The Scooby-Doo ending would have Mike coming back to kick out the crutches underneath Flynn, proving him to be the real mastermind as he tries to run away.

CS: Flynn rips off his mask and turns out to be Tuco the whole time and has been maintaining an abandoned amusement park. The Stephen-King ending would have been aliens.

SE: An alien army of 1,000 Marie's on the crystal blue.

So even though guns were not ablaze for the full hour and a half, we still love this episode right? I mean, nothing touches "Ozymandias," but this was a nice solid home run while "Ozymandias" was the grand salami.

CS: Like I said, I liked the episode, didn't love it.  It was a really good last season, but not the best last episode for me.  I have no complaints with it.  I think Gilligan did the show right.

SE: You’re goddamn right.

Tube Steak: Down Time Breeding Curiosity About the Future

Now that Burn Notice* is on six-month hiatus**--having given way to Psych on the USA docket (I know they're different time slots, but USA clearly only likes to have a few of its own series airing at a time) and leaving only Rescue Me on extended basic cable as must-see semi-serialized drama--I find myself rewatching the House season finale.

*It is a well-established view of this blog that Burn Notice is great fun while not being altogether light fare. This past season/half-season/whatever-it-was played well, and the ending points towards some much bigger things coming at Michael Westen. There were a few episodes toward the end of this run that lulled us into a false sense of security/hope after Michael opted out of The Management's offer, but The Management's warning about the consequences of his refusal would seem to carry some weight now. I'm already impatiently waiting for this winter to roll around.

**I can't imagine I haven't mentioned this before, but I really love that USA has started doing the two half-seasons a year thing. I don't watch a lot of USA programming, but it makes the time between new Psychs and Burn Notices less painful.

While marvelling at the adept muddling of House's perception of reality latent in the final episodes of this past season, I cannot help but wonder what is in store for the viewing masses for the next season of House.

My main concern is what is going to happen to House now that he has been hospitalized, as the point was made a few episodes prior that such an action would result in his loss of medical licensure? How can he return to the hospital? Will he have to answer to Foreman now?

Apparently Andre Braugher is involved in some capacity. No complaints on that front.

Needless to say, I really want September 21st to roll around.

Speaking of September, the fourth season of Dexter is set to being airing then. Dexter has gone from being merely watchable in its initial season to being intensely compelling. The second season* was superior to the first by leaps and bounds, and the third built upon the goodwill earned in season two. My confidence in the producers is so strong at this point that I have no concerns about the show's direction as its protagonist finds himself entering into fatherhood--the kiss of death for many a show (Growing Pains anyone?). With Dexter, I get the feeling that it will only feed into the tension as life gets in the way of Dexter feeding his homicidal urges.

*(I totally forgot to do this earlier) It is weird, but it seems like every girl I talk to who has watched Dexter fucking hates Lila so much that they think season two was worse than season one.

I really like the fact that I get to watch a show that allows me to type that sentence.

And let us not forget that Curb Your Enthusiasm is set to come back in only a few weeks. The TV landscape is about to get a lot richer.

Tube Steak: Musings on a Dexter Review

Early this morning, Quint at Ain't It Cool News posted an oddly timed review of both seasons of "Dexter". I say this is oddly timed because the second season aired ages ago. The third season is about to begin airing, I guess, but that's still over a month away. I'd imagine that the second season is coming out on DVD tomorrow, or something (I just checked, and it is), but it's sold on the site like this is an early review, which I'd hardly say is true, since the season finale aired a year ago.

Slight misrepresentation aside, I would have to say I agree for the most part with his take on the series. I do disagree on his admiration of Jennifer Carpenter, the actress who plays Deb, Dexter's adoptive sister, who I find to be irritating and strange looking, but the attraction issue is obviously a matter of subjectivity that is anything but universal*. I also thought it a bit odd to force "The Shield"--a show that I am personally a fan of--into his review of "Dexter", solely because of the anti-hero aspects of each show, where the comparisons more or less end there. To pick a review apart any further is probably a little ridiculous, though, so I'll end this moronic exercise in critical nitpicking and get to my point.

This fact became increasingly clear to me when a good friend who shall remain nameless but seemed normal to me until this point confessed not two weeks ago to his first crush being Shelley Duvall as Olive Oyl in Popeye.

Quint's take on the two seasons of "Dexter" is that they're both very good (agreed), but that the simplicity of the first season worked better for him, which is totally fine. I'm certainly not saying that he cannot have this opinion, or that his opinion is wrong in any way, shape, or form. What I am saying is that I thought the first season was merely pretty good television with some really great acting and some stellar episodic writing, but it was perhaps lacking a gripping nature to its season-long story arc.

Don't get me wrong, the first season was good. Hell, it was good enough to get me to keep watching for a second season.

The second season, however, was amazing. Honestly, I am hard-pressed to come up with a season of any show (other than "The Wire") in the past five years or so that was more addictively great than the second season of "Dexter". As soon as the vigilante serial killer, Dexter, has the cross-hairs trained on him, the show becomes an entirely new level of great with intrigue at every turn and lives hanging in the balance, especially our hero's. The tension engulfs every episode as the season builds to its fruitful climax, and any viewer cannot help but feel sated at completing the second season.

My only worry is that I truly cannot see how the show can go anywhere but down from where it is now, as it reached such great heights that it would seem impossible to continue producing a show at the level of excellence it achieved last season.