Wordy Old Men on Downton Abbey: Series Three, Episode Two

For those who watched the episodes as they aired in The U.K., the "second" U.S. episode is actually the third one. PBS is crazy. As always Wordy Ginters and I will take you by the hand guide you through the Downton Abbey corn maze, where we'll dry-hump the scarecrow from a place of love and curse when we stumble over errant stalks. 

Old Man Duggan: A lot of things to cover here. Edith. Thomas versus O'Brien. The future of Downton being threatened by financial ruin. Matthew's deliberation over the acceptance of Reggie Swire's fortune. Mrs. Hughes's bosom and Carson's concern for it. The horrendous Ethel's return to the fore. Anna's continued quest to free Bates. All of that is important to the episode, but I'd like to start somewhere else. What the fuck was with the tiny little circle the prisoners were walking in? Was that not the tiniest prison yard ever? Just once I'd like to see Bates hop down on the bench and pop off a set of twelve reps of 225 wearing just a wife beater and then posture up at his slimy cell mate.

Wordy Ginters: I'd like to see a Bates exercise show. Slap a pair of Bodies in Motion with Gilad Janklowicz exercise pants on him. Shirtless on a beach. Elevator music in the background. 30 minutes of slow, sensuous bench press reps with Bates's head cocked at the camera, a sly grin on his face, and a smoldering carnal stare in his eyes. Might be just the boost this country needs to close in on New Year's resolutions.

OMD: Seriously, what the fuck is up with his cell mate? I love how within the context of the Downton Universe all Bates has to do is walk into a room and someone is going to loathe him with every ounce of their being. Are we to believe that the Brits hated cripples that much? Were veterans of the Second Boer War treated like Vietnam Vets when they returned? Oh shit. You know what that means, right? It means we need to team up on some time-travel fan-fic in which John Rambo and John Bates team up, fighting the good fight and blowing away pederast junta generals, presumably set on the Côte d'Ivoire. Clearly Bates's cane will be weaponized, though in a much more interesting way than to simply have it double as a sword.

WG: Why couldn't Bates have a supportive cellmate like Tim Robbins from Shawshank? I'm in on the fan fiction. Cote d'Ivoire is an inspired setting. The cane. So many possibilities. Maybe it doubles as a woodwind, upon which Bates plays such haunting and soul stirring music that it causes pederast junta generals to fall into a state of catatonic weeping, thus rendering them particularly vulnerable to hot lead from Sly. But hey, I'm just spitballing.

OMD: That marks two straight weeks that we brought a Stallone franchise into the mix here. Bets on next week? Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot? Oscar? F.I.S.T.?

WG: Rhinestone.

OMD: Since we're already on the subject of Bates, I like that Anna is fighting for her man and all, but I think I'm ready for this story line to run its course. We're a mere three episodes in, and I'm feeling the tedium. Perhaps that's why PBS chose to air the first two together. Having watched these episodes as they were airing in the fall, this arc felt like it would never end. I love that Mrs. Bartlett painted a picture in which the dearly departed Vera Bates was back-lit like an angel through the mist and the fog lamps. How apropos.

WG: Agreed. How long can they drag it out? At this point, I'm pulling for Bates as the murderer.

OMD: Same here. Much better for the story.

"Edith's a speed fiend. She likes to go at a terrific lick." I bet Strallan. I bet. That statement certainly holds true as she races toward the altar. By my count, Edith had about forty-five minutes of screen-time in which she was engaged to be wed to Lord Anthony. Two seasons of dancing around for Mary and Matthew. Somewhere in the neighborhood of a season-and-a-half for Sybil and Branson's courtship to transpire. Maybe four episodes dedicated to Edith and Anthony. Not only is she the forgotten daughter within the Downtonverse, but she gets very little in the way of screen time.

WG: Her character is defiled almost as much as Bates. I was hoping that Strallan would show up for the wedding with his hair painted jet black and his trousers rolled up. Are the kids doing that these days? Rolling up their pants? Maybe a pair of topsiders or some TOMS on his feet. It would take 25 years off him immediately. Did you notice the bit where he acted like he wasn't quite comfortable with the upstart Branson being in the family. They've been telegraphing his altar walk since the Titanic sank.

OMD:  "All of us married, all of us happy, and the first baby on the way." It took one second shy of two minutes for that statement to be rendered null and void. Julian Fellowes wastes no time in teaching his characters not to put the cart before the horse. The show has its shortcomings, but taking the piss out of the cocksure with expediency is not one of them. The sad thing is that I actually wanted something good to happen to Edith. I suppose to an extent this is desirable to having her nurse Strallan for the duration of the show. If ever there were a trap door in terms of narrative growth for her character to fall through, he was it.

WG: An "Old man's drudge" is no way to spend your married life. I'm with you. I was glad to see Edith on the cusp of happiness anyway. I'm not sure what is worse, getting spurned at the altar or changing Strallan's diapers? They tied up Hughes's cancer scare pretty quick. What's next, Edith's suicide watch?

Should've been Cora. Havisham instead.

OMD: We talked of Lady Edith becoming Miss Havisham in jest after the first episode (or first half of last week's double-episode). That was without the gift of hindsight. Now it would appear that perhaps she will become Miss Havisham. If you ever hoped for a better a rendering of Miss Havisham's origin story, look no further. Here it is.

WG: Spot on. She'll have enough hate in her to kill an army.

OMD: If it served no other purpose, the conflict between O'Brien and Thomas brought us this exchange: O'Brien: "Jilted at the altar. I don't think I could stand the shame." Thomas: "Then it's lucky no one's ever asked you, isn't it?" How fucking great was that? It's weird, but I sort of have Thomas's back on this front. O'Brien feels like Thomas was in the right as he toiled away in footman obscurity, trying to work his way up, but when it's her kinfolk, they should get every advantage despite not being capable of the work? I can't blame Thomas for taking umbrage at her finagling.

WG: "I wouldn't be in her bad books for a gold clock." The both of them are double-dealing shit heels. Seeing them trying to get over on each other with such deadly venom is one of the reasons I love the show. Rooting for either of them makes me feel unwholesome.

OMD: If only all of us were so lucky as to have Downton Place be the fallback if our current manors proved to be too unwieldy a financial burden. If I lose my apartment, I'm couch-surfing or hoping my boss doesn't figure out that I'm sleeping on one of the boats. I sure as shit don't have to worry about how I'll run a house with only eight servants.

WG: I wish they would have further explored possible names for Eryholme. Downton Place. Downton Downsized. Downton Valley. Downton End. Downton Isles. Downton Light. Financial ruin must have meant something different back in the 1920s. Eight servants. Who gets downsized? You know they take Carson and Hughes. That leaves Patmore, Thomas, and O'Brien. Daisy. Hell, they don't have eight servants now, what the hell were they talking about?

OMD: Carson, Hughes, Patmore, *shudder* O'Brien, Anna, *shudder* Thomas, maybe Molesley if Matthew needs a valet and then Daisy to do all the Charlie work.

If I thought that Matthew's refusal to take the Swire inheritance was tedious in the first hour of the season, then holy shit was I ready for that horseshit to be done with by the end of this one. I suppose it means that we'll get a nice view of what the future of Downton in the control of its next heir could be with Matthew coming on as co-caretaker. The big question, of course, is how will he keep Lord Grantham from squandering another fortune by way of a foolish investment? How do you think Robert loses this money? Pouring all of his resources into bootlegging just as the Volstead Act is about to get taken out when FDR takes office? Investing heavily in the U.S. stock market the day before the crash?

WG: My hope is that a future episode begins with Grantham walking out of a race track at dusk, a look of abject horror on his face as he examines a betting slip, and then wads it up and pitches it towards a trash can. He misses. Badly. The camera circles in from on high to reveal a crumpled $3 Million show bet on a horse called Isis. A black swan waddles by and squats over the betting slip.

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad, Season Five, Episode Eight

"Gliding Over All" brings us a reminiscent Walter White. Heisenberg orchestrates a few prison shankings while keeping Lydia alive to grow the business. The business grows and grows and grows. A cancer scan turns Walt into a big softy, dumping cash at Jesse's front door and proclaiming he is out of the business. Walt Whitman has something to say about that though.

Gus Fring post Robocop reconstruction

Stan Earnest: Zombie Gale is pissed. He is after Walter White. He was the Garfunkel to the Simon, the Slash to the Axl, the Ono to the Lennon, the Louise to the Thelma, the Whitney to the Bobby, and Walt had to go and ruin it. First the coffee pot being tossed across the room, and now he is leaving messages for Hank. Walter White is doomed.

Craig Scholes: So you are telling me AMC is going to do a Breaking Bad/Walking Dead season to wrap up Breaking Bad next year? BRILLIANT!

SE: Why not? I'm still waiting for the digital world to give me a Rocky/Rambo combo with dueling Sylvester Stallones.

CS: Why would Rocky fight Rambo though?

SE: Rocky gets kidnapped and Rambo saves him. They fight as a team. This is not an original idea by me, but it is a damn good one, and it should get made.

CS: A better idea would be if Conan the Barbarian was used to stop the T-800.

SE: Well, there was talk of a Saul Goodman spinoff, which would easily win the world's greatest spinoff competition.

CS: Until the Ron Swanson spinoff gets made

SE: Ron Swanson could probably use a good lawyer.

CS: Saul Goodman has to be a Libertarian too.

SE: Full disclosure time: Last week we pranked Old Man Duggan by included a plethora of ellipses and many mentions of sandals. This time I've been duped. I was 99.5% certain the spoiler I heard was correct, that Walt was going to choke out Skyler screaming, "This was for us! This was for us!" And then go into hiding. Breaking Bad, you are good, you are damn good. They planted spoilers and then had them pulled from site forums to add to the plausibility of them.

CS: The greatest trick Walter White ever played was convincing Hank Schrader that Heisenberg didn't exist. Brilliant strategery, next thing you know they will do minisodes for next year where Walter White finally owns that Lazer Tag joint.

SE: As far as Breaking Bad episodes go, there isn't much that tops this. I am so giddy right now. This episode was so fantastic. You will find no criticism here. The flash forward worked. The montage worked. The spoiler fooled me. And we finally got the Keyser Soze moment I thought would happen at the end of Season 4.

CS: Of course Landry has an in with a Neo-Nazi white supremacist group. Why wouldn't he?

SE: And the ricin didn't get used...AGAIN!

CS: That ricin is going to be a teaser forever; it’s never getting used.

Uncle Miltey isn't afraid of Heisenberg

SE: This was the writers pulling a Milton Berle. They always pull out enough to impress, but never go full monty. So Walter White is "out" huh, isn't that sweet? Well, Hank is going to pull you back in buddy!

CS: Isn't that how the bad guy always go down? A gifted Walt Whitman book? When I first saw the book, I thought it was going to be hollowed out with something stashed in it Shawshank Redemption style. I didn't even see that it was a Walt Whitman book. Of course, I also thought when Flynn went to go get the sunscreen to put on Holly that he was going to drop a little baggie of blue meth.

SE: Most productive dump ever. I thought that first shower scene was weird. Just never forget that Breaking Bad does not waste a scene. Whenever you think it is pointless, it will pendulum your ass in the face. I think Walt said it right the first time when he said, "Nothing stops this train." I mean think about it. What could he possibly do to get out? Sell his recipe? No chance that ever happens. Someone would bring him back in, but he was probably just lying anyhow.

CS: I dunno, I bet literally having a mountain of cash would be a sobering realization. I'd count all those monies many times too, just to do it.

SE: Didn't you think for a second that Walt was going to leave Jesse the entire pile, and totally punk his family?

CS: Not for a second.

SE: I can't wait to see the internet calculations on how much money that was. If only 3% of America's economy is cold hard cash, then it was all in that room.

CS: I’m watching the replay now, and I missed the part in the epic montage of how much Saul clearly hates himself now. Which is crazy that one of the sketchiest of all-time sketchy ambulance chasers actually feels dirty.

SE: Saul isn't the only one weary. Jesse was quite worried himself. That is how far Walt has come. Everyone around him is afraid. So how amazing was the montage? Does it rank up there with the Goodfellas montage?

This episode reminds me of something Billy Corgan said one time about music. It was something about how he started making music because of all of the late 80s music he heard on the radio sucked and he wanted to do something better. Well, I can sit down and write and rewrite a million scripts over a million years and never touch this level of entertainment.

CS: Never seen Goodfellas.

SE: Don't make me pop your eyeball out for not watching a mobster movie.

CS: That ranks right up there with the Rocky IV montage, which has to go on the Rushmore of all time epic montages.

SE: Somewhere, the Grantland writers are furiously putting together a montage tournament.

CS: One of my best good buddies took an AV class in college, and he had to make a montage, so he made a montage of him making a montage to the song “Montage”. That teacher shows that video to his classes now.

SE: Rad. The montage missed a scene though: Junior in the bathroom snorting the crystal blue persuasion.

CS: Do you think the DVD's will have the deleted scene of Walt throwing Skyler down on that mountain of cash and forcing himself on her?

SE: The only thing more haunting than that would be a prison shanking montage. Oh wait, we already had one of those. That had to be the darkest 5 minutes in television history. That was gruesome.

CS: Or, better yet, will it have Walt doing the backstroke in a mountain of cash like Scrooge McDuck. The prison shanktasterpiece was pretty awesome

SE: I'm not the most intelligent person in the world, but I think it would probably be a little wiser to spread that money around to several storage units. I mean, you're one good fire away from losing a billion dollars in cash. If we haven't seen Walt pissed yet, that would probably do it.

CS: Even smart people get overwhelmed. And clearly Skyler is all out of fucks. Of course, I don't get the nice convenient stack under a flowered sheet. I would have those different denominations stacked in each of the corners to ease the counting of it.

SE: So was the mountain of cash the thing that "sobered" up Walt, or was it the return of the cancer? I think he saw that mountain of cash and imagined that whole storage facility rented out with each unit full of the different denominations.

CS: Probably both. Walt having cancer is going to make him want to spend the rest of his time with the people he cares about, and giving Jesse duffel bags of cash is similar to a person who is about to commit suicide giving away their belongings.

SE: I think it also has a lot to do with how they remember him. Of course the writers have a way of making Walter somehow redeemable after he orders the deaths of 9 people in 2 minutes.

CS: The reminiscing about the old RV was a pretty sweet scene.

SE: I hope the Weeds writers watch the Blu-Ray of this season on a loop until they figure out how to plot out a season of television, because Breaking Bad just pulled a total cliffhanger to end a season, and I liked it. That hardly ever happens. We still have no clue what the M60 is for, and we don't even care. We totally got Keyser Soze'd.

So what predictions do you have going forward? I think the Hank-blamed-as-Heisenberg plot is totally at play here.

CS: Why would Hank take the fall for Heisenberg?

SE: Because Walt will MacGyver his way out of it, just watch. Hank's fingerprints are all over this thing. He showed up in perfect timing for Tuco. The cartel has come after him. He has unknowingly taken dirty money for his therapy. He will wind up on a wild goose chase after Walter and end up at a lab with his fingerprints all over it. Then a mechanical device drops a Heisenberg hat on his bald head just as Gomez shows up and has his own Keyser Soze moment. Meanwhile, Walter slowly dies in a random hospital bed.

CS: No way Skyler lets Walt do that to Hank and Marie.

SE: There is still a vial of ricin to be used bro.

CS: I think Hank simmers on it for a bit and then says something to Marie, who absolutely loses her fucking mind calling Hank insane, only to plant the doubt in her mind. Walt gives himself the ricin before he kills Skyler.

SE: By the way, I want to thank everybody that has been following along with us. I am a fan first and enjoy doing this. Secondly, I want to give a big shout out again to the guys at Bald Move; their Breaking Good podcast is the best one of them all. They actually read my random emails on the waves from time to time.

CS: I have no idea why anyone would have put up with me this long, or why you have tortured yourself with proof-reading my incoherent ramblings and random capitalization

SE: The best part of that last statement was that you put a dash in proofreading. Now say something funny to close this bitch out.

CS: I was talking about the ramblings I have written on dough that is reaching its proper age before being used to make pizza.

So…what show are we doing next? I still think it would be fun to rip a bad show to pieces.

SE: Yes! The Killing, Season Seven up next. We finally find out who killed Rosie.

CS: Nope, in Season Seven we find out the Illuminati was involved. We leave you with Mike Ehrmantraut's first ever acting role:

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad, Season Five, Episode Six

This week's episode of Breaking Bad, "Buyout", winds and grinds the springs before they will eventually uncoil. Motor bike boy meets a highly unfortunate chemical barrel. Mike avoids heat from the DEA. Jesse wines and dines in the White household. And Walt plans to build an empire as Mike and Jesse seek a way out by planning to unload the freshly stolen methylamine. Heisenberg does not like their plans.

"These green beans are ricin free, right?"

Shane Earnest: Did you hear that? I just high-fived myself. This episode brings the heat, high and inside. Sure, it's a setup episode, but so much to love here: tragedy, dark comedy, and badassery.

Craig Scholes: Not to mention some epic surreality? Surrealness? Surrealitude? I have no idea what the past tense of surreal is

SE: Surrealing Bad, starring dirt bike kid, poor dirt bike kid and his parents.

CS: Breaking Bad makes it seem like hydrofluoric acid is available for purchase at Walgreens.

SE: My suspension of disbelief is easy to come by in that department. I have no clue how easy it is to come by. Can Walt make it? I always got hydrofluoric acid mixed up with hydrochloric acid, which is commonly used in high school chemistry classes. All I know is that if methylamine is that easy to get rid of and it is $15 million for every 1,000 gallons, I would think there would be a bit more security surrounding tank cars full of it.

CS: I don't think methylamine is that easy to get rid of; I just think Mike has a network of connections. Once, as a freshman in high school, a couple of seniors basically forced me to smell hydrochloric acid…BURNED! Horrible experience.

SE: The opening sequence needed to be brutal. That is how the sausage is made in the meth business. It makes it so much more brutal when Walt decides that all he wants is a meth empire.

CS: Will we get the final scene of Walt sitting on a throne of blue meth?

SE: That is one scenario that is interesting. I like how this episode is what Breaking Bad is all about. Sure, the last episode was great for what it was, but “Buyout” is the real deal. I never really got an idea of what was about to happen, and there were snakes in the grass at every turn. We even got a Breaking Bad specialty with all the dark humor--the coffee pot and the dinner with Skyler.

CS: Man, that was the most awkward dinner party ever.

SE: Agreed, I've never seen anything that awkward. I could never put myself in Jesse's shoes, but I would have dashed first chance, made something up, anything. I think Walt and Jesse are so sickly intertwined with each other now, but it was a nice touch to show how creepy Walt is now with his whistling. Not many shows realize how simply things can be done sometimes without ten pages of dialogue.

CS: Oh man, that whistling scene really threw me off.

SE: Walt is completely insane at this point. He knows he can MacGyver is way through anything, from fabricating a RV battery to slipping Mike's zip tie. He has been through so much that he is not only numb, but has the deadly combination of being immune to tragedy but addicted to the danger of it. Ever see a guy after a serious car wreck with no injuries? That is Walt. The vehicle is trashed, and he is still standing. Only that has happened about ten times. The Aztek dies, but Walter White is unscathed. After a certain point, that has to get into his head. "Hey, Jesse, come on over! Hank could walk through the front door at anytime, no big deal."

CS: Yeah, but there are much easier ways to get out of a zip tie than using electric current to solder your arm to plastic.

The bond that holds Walt and Skyler together

SE: So what other method do you recommend? I am proud to admit never having the chance to finagle my way out of one.

CS: Well the way a zip tie works is there is just a little plastic tab that kind of springs down into these little notches. You can very easily take something thin and press it up and slide the zip tie out, like say his watch band tab.

And we finally found out, at least partially, why Walt is the way he is... Because he is pissed at himself for being a dipshit and selling off his company shares.

SE: The pure genius of the whole matter was saving that info for the right time. It may have been luck on the writers part, but Walt is now Gus. Elliot and Gretchen are the Salamancas. He blames himself for what happened, much like Gus probably blamed himself for what happened to Max. And the story of Walter White now makes complete, utter sense.

CS: Which is why Walt is now in the empire business. Of course, he thinks he should already be worth damn near a billion dollars.

SE: And that is one of Breaking Bad's greatest strengths, giving a reason for why a character is acting a certain way. If it seems like I am gushing about this episode, I am and I don't care. I fully expected this episode to be all setup. I never thought we would get a scene where I was trying to figure out how Walt would kill Mike, and then realizing they have a better relationship than that as Mike was nice enough to say that he was sorry while zipping Walt up.

CS: Do you think the writers will fill us in with the personal details about why Walt let himself get bought out?

SE: I think they already have in that a flashback from Season One, maybe Season Two, where Walt is romantically discussing chemistry with Gretchen. I am assuming Elliot stole Gretchen from Walt, so Walt took his pride and promptly departed. I would love for Gretchen and Elliot to see Heisenberg.

CS: Also, I don't like green beans, but if there was an Albertson's nearby, I would try their deli green beans.

SE: So, you were raised on frozen food too, just like every other kid in the 80s? There was a point in there, like early 90s or something where frozen food just suddenly got better. I remember a lot of those Lean Cuisines and Schwan’s, the Heisenberg of frozen food.

Elliot's ricin noodles

CS: No, I don't think I ever had a frozen meal until I was in my 20s and in college. Lots and lots of Hamburger Helper though. I guess I used to eat a lot of those Banquet pot pies

SE: Yeah, it isn't exactly health food any way you slice it. I worked in a cold storage facility once. Chicken would come to the facility hot and then blast frozen and stored for six months. The client would then come get it, transport it to another facility, dice it, and send it back for another six months of storage. Then they would send it to another facility, turn it into a pot pie, ship it back for another term in storage, likely one full year the last time. Finally, it would be shipped out as a mixed load to a grocery store. Two-year-old cooked chicken, bro.

CS: Nummers.

SE: So what were your thoughts when Mike first stopped Walt from stealing the methylamine.

CS: At this point, it doesn't matter how much Mike would have offered Walt for that methylamine, Walt is going to fight Mike every step of the way.

SE: My first thought was, "Oh no, Walt is going to sneak his way into offing Mike with some hidden weapon." Then I thought he was going to electrocute him, and then I realized that wasn't the plot line. It's nice when I can't predict what is going to happen.

CS: I don't think there is any conceivable way Walt could kill Mike. Mike is too good at what he does to be hoodwinked by Walt.  

SE: Breaking Bad uses objects to build a story and then flips the meaning of them along the line. We all do this in real life, whether it be an ornate wooden box evoking memories of a grandfather or the evil beeping of a fax machine at work. The box cutter was a fine example. The ticking watch gift in comparison to the calculator watch was another. And of course, the whopper of them all was the Aztek. But I think we have a fine call back in this episode when Walt tries to retrieve the coffee pot to cut his way out of the zip tie. I think it was Gale's ghost that chucked that thing across the room.

Gale drinks Walt's coffee from the grave

CS: Gale used the power of karaoke from the grave to release zombie sound waves that pushed the coffee pot away from Walt.

SE: And now this brings us to the crowning moment of the show. Heisenberg is coming out in all of his glory next episode. I’ve been waiting for this moment for five seasons.

CS: Oh yeah. Walt is in full blown couldn't-give-two-shits mode. The dude has fully blown past the point of no return.

SE: So Jesse is going to get kidnapped? Or will Walt make a deal to sell him to the other guys, then use the Rambo gun to un-kidnap Jesse? I wouldn't doubt it for one second if Walt sells them both out and goes all-in with the other guy before blowing them all up.

CS: I think the M60 is to protect him from these new methylamine buyers. I have a feeling he screws them over.

SE: So the "52" is a ruse and his hair is a wig? I don't see Heisenberg wearing a wig.

CS: I think he goes into hiding and bides his time. A lot can happen in eleven months.

SE: The writers really have us in a conundrum here. Is the Season Five opening scene in the Denny's a ploy to get us intrigued for what I am going to just go ahead and call Season Six? Or does it go down in Episode Eight in two weeks? I WANT RAMBO HEISENBERG NOW!

CS: I have a feeling we don't see Rambo Heisenburg till Episode Seven of next year.

SE: Fun fact: next week's episode was previously named "Everybody Wins", but was changed to "Say My Name", which I am sure is a Heisenberg reference. Hopefully we don't get rape-y Walt back, forcing Skyler to call him Heisenberg. And how crazy is it that Todd of all people, knows Heisenberg's real name? Walt don't give a what-what.

CS: I’m sure it’s just an episode about Destiny's Child.

Whatcha gonna do when Heisenberg runs over you brother?!?! OOOOOooooooh YEEEeeeeaaaaahh

Man on Film: The Expendables

Holy hell, do I have some catching up to do here...

I have been balls deep in a move and am now approaching four consecutive weeks of chaos in my life. As a man who lives a simple, constant life, this is overwhelming and leaves me little time or energy for much of anything else.

That does not mean that I've not been to the movies, however. I still need to do a proper write-up for Inception. I also have a partially written response to Predators waiting to be finished. Then there's The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Piranha 3D, and The Other Guys--and that's just what I still need to on the Man on Film front.

As one might expect if one were even remotely familiar with this blog, The Expendables takes precedence over the rest of those films.

I have seen this film twice.

I wouldn't be surprised if I saw it again in the theater.

When evaluating what The Expendables is, it is imperative to look at how it measures up to what it is setting out to do. If there is one thing that is apparent when looking at Sly the auteur, it is that his goal is to please his crowd. Sylvester Stallone the writer/director is essentially like the keynote speaker at the Democratic National Convention at the end of primary season. He is there to deliver exactly what his base wants.

In what were presumably the codas for the Rocky and Rambo series, he hit every note perfectly, and any fan of the previous installments were left mouth agape as the films came to an end. Rocky Balboa was a stirring elegy to Adrian and a testament to the heart of a champion that pumps the lifeblood through Rocky's veins. It also happened to be the best film in the series since the first one. Rambo gave us one more look at our cast aside Vietnam vet, and that look just happened to be the most violent film I've ever seen--and I mean that in the best possible way. It also ends with John Rambo perhaps finally putting his inner demons to rest and returning home.

When one looks at the cast of The Expendables and sees the names of Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Eric Roberts, and Steve Austin alongside that of Sylvester Stallone, one's imagination cannot help but run amok. When you see that cast with this man at the helm, I think the obvious conclusion is that this movie is going to be a crazy fucking action flick that hearkens back to the great action films of the '80s which we as a society are so desperately lacking.

So if this is what we are expecting, then the ultimate question is: Does the film meet these expectations?

Fuck yes.

You want shit blowing up? You got it. People getting killed in crazy-awesome ways? It's here. Knives being thrown? Jet Li comic relief? Check. Check.

Did I mention the shit blowing up?

Sure, it may not be high art, but as I once told Jon Cryer when admitting that I enjoyed Hiding Out after a then-fresh viewing, "It's not like I was expecting Citizen Kane."

Upon leaving the theater both times, I was fucking pumped. Sly knows what his audience wants. He knows how to deliver it. Sure, there are little issues that one could reasonably have with the film*, but it all boils down to whether or not this film addresses the jonesing for a real '80s-style action flick, and it feeds that hunger.

*The action in the final fight scene is sort of hard to piece together as the scene takes place at night, and the CGI fire in the Steve Austin/Randy Couture fight is pretty comical.

I'll certainly grant you that the dialogue isn't the greatest and there are non-actors who depending on your affinity for them going into the film could weigh the film down, but what we've got here is a movie in which the bad guys are bad, the good guys are good, and you want to shout out at more than a handful of the deaths. I'd say that's a recipe for cinematic success that has been sorely lacking from the cineplexi for quite some time.

So, Sly, you did me a solid, and that's all I care about. If you decide you wanna help keep Jason Statham looking badass in The Expendables 2, I'm fucking game.

"Heat"

Now for those of you who've been here before, you may have noticed that the image on the header has changed back to the original header, the poster from the seminal Burt Reynolds vehicle, Heat.

Don't take this as a slight to Rambo. In fact, I went to Rambo again today, and it was still fucking outstanding. Limbs were a-flyin'.

Here's another primer, just for fun...


As for Heat, if you haven't seen it, do yourself a big favor and rent it. Nay, buy it. As Nick 'Mex' Escalante, Burt Reynolds plays a man who can incapacitate you with a medallion, slice your face open with a credit card, or make friends with you, if you're Peter MacNicol. It was supposed to be the project that he and Altman finally did together, but things didn't work out that way. The resulting film is not an Altman film, but Burt is awesome in the his darker 1980's way. Check Heat out and Sharky's Machine, too, which has a sweet-ass soundtrack and is a film by the man himself.

As for Stallone, MGM has cut a two-picture deal with Sly, first one apparently being his remake of The Mechanic that I spoke of a few posts ago. Apparently, they're looking at Ryan Gosling, among others to play the protege, and if IMDB is correct, it sounds like it may be a drastic reimagining of the film. Again, I just hope they keep the bizarre handball scene.

Now, while I'm here, I'd like to posit a question: Since the writer's strike seems to be coming to an end, what will come of Friday Night Lights? I'm a couple of episodes behind, but I can't imagine the season story arc is complete. From everything I've read (which I'll not bother tracking down to link up for y'all), the show has been doing respectably, ratings-wise, although the jackass running the show at NBC apparently cares little for the show, since when he's asked about the show he asks people to watch 30 Rock. As usual for FNL fans, its fate would appear to be up in the air. I, for one, am holding out hope the Dillon Panthers' season gets to come to its natural end.

Man on Film: Rambo

Where to begin?...

"Rambo" can be succinctly described by two words: The Balls. This is a film with more than enough balls to go around, for men (and women) with balls, by a man with balls. The result is a film that is The Balls. The Balls. Not balls. The Balls.

As an auteur, Stallone knows exactly what he needs to provide for his audience. In last year's stirring "Rocky Balboa", he tore down Rocky's support structure and pushed the affable aged puncher back into the ring in a heartfelt coda much more faithful to the spirit of the series than its predecessor. With the fourth installment of the Rambo series, Sly brings his damaged super-soldier back as an anonymous old man navigating the Salween River on his ragged longboat, pushing the survivalist into the fray after reluctantly agreeing to guide a group of missionaries into the depths of war-torn Burma to help the brutally oppressed Karen only to have the missionaries captured by the vicious Burmese militia. Stallone draws the intensely private and now reticent hero in by way of an infusion of just a shred of humanity into his spartan life. Being the only man who can show a group of mercenaries where he dropped them off, he is called to action by his new code.

And when John Rambo is called to action shit hits the fan. What unfurls is a righteous spree of unimaginable violence that cinema has never been so lucky to have seen up until now. Tyrannous oppressors meet their maker, and the agent of their maker is clearly John Rambo. To speak of the retribution in exact terms would be a disservice to the shock and awe that any member of the audience should rightfully experience. The inventiveness is simply inspiring.

As to whether this film is faithful to the series, the answer is yes. Bryan Tyler's score carries the Goldsmith torch well. The dialogue is meets the requisite sparseness of a Rambo film. The pacing is brisk; exposition doesn't bog down the opening, and the action comes hard and fast as soon as our hero is thrust back into soldier-mode. The villains are sufficiently deserving of Rambo's wrath. "Rambo" serves as an apt bookend to the series if it ends here. If it doesn't end here, all the better.

"Rambo" does force one to wonder, "What if..." What if Sylvester Stallone had been allowed to helm the previous installments. He is attuned to what drives his characters psychologically. He is conscious of what strings to pull to draw the emotions of the audience into the fold entirely. He is gifted with the ability necessary to fully realize his vision. What could those first three "Rambo" films, which were already great in their own ways, have been under the control of Stallone the auteur?

Perhaps this is unfair. Perhaps he has been able to come around to this incarnation as skilled action filmmaker through the wisdom attained through time and experience, but the fact remains that he has been able to achieve exactly what he has set out to twice in as many years, and his future projects (he owns the rights to "Death Wish", "The Mechanic", and "The Lion's Game" and has long been trying to get an Edgar Allan Poe film into production) will surely lead to more success. Will we get to see Sly play handball with this generation's Jan Michael Vincent? Only time will tell.

What can be said is that a world in which Sylvester Stallone gets to make films as he knows how is a much better world than we all deserve.

Personal Addendum: There have been an inordinate amount of negative reviews of this film (but not from the paper of record). When reading these reviews, it becomes abundantly clear that these are from the desks of the weak. If reading a bad review of "Rambo" doesn't make you want to see it even more, I can't help but wonder what you are even doing at this site.

Catching up with a Rambo Primer 4.5

I've been busy with moving, so I've been unable to tend to you IP fan(s).

I did get to see a certain movie two nights ago (think DDL and PTA), but I want to see it again before writing about that.

Also, the new Drive-By Truckers album comes out on Tuesday. Turn up the couch cushions and root through your car for loose change. Isbell & Co. came to town last night, but I ended up spending my night packing, so I didn't get to see him.

Now, what you were definitely waiting for:

Moving on

Now that I've spewed forth that venom, I'd like to share something with you, dearest reader.

Seeing the Rambo poster at the top of this blog brings me an inner peace that no amount of yoga and meditation will ever be able to do. If there is one thing that will right my world, it is the release of that film. What the world needs now is John Rambo blowing evildoers straight to hell with his brutal brand of justice. I know that's what my world needs now. Doesn't yours, too?

Here's an unofficial primer. A gift for you denizens of the internet.

Rambo Primer 3

Rambo Primer 2

This isn't new, or anything. It is fucking awesome, though.

Rambo Primer

Enjoy.

Part 1



Part 2