Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Fifteen: "Granite State"

"Granite State" brings us Walt's transformation from Mr. Chips into Mr. Lambert, hiding out in the backwoods of New Hampshire. Meanwhile, Jesse merrily cooks away for the Uncles of Anarchy, while they torture the ABQ with their boyish charm. A steady diet of Ensure and scotch whiskey lead Walt on his path to a healthy recovery from cancer.

The look of disgust after realizing Huell lifted the M60

Craig Scholes: Hank would still be alive, if only Marie continued to wear purple.

Shane England: Can I just adopt Robert Forster as my uncle?

CS: I know I've seen him in many, many things, but none of them are coming to mind.

SE: Jackie Brown most recently sticks in my head, but every cop show ever before that.

CS: I don't watch a lot of cop shows.

SE: My lord, you could derail a fucking 20,000-ton coal train.

CS: DELTA FORCE MOTHER FUCKER!

SE: IMDB to the rescue!

This episode is going to be hard to do our thing on, but I will add this: The other day, I decided to enjoy the nice weather and just stand outside my car for a few moments. Looking up at a streetlight amidst a sunny day, I realized that I’m going to miss Breaking Bad. Even if one doesn’t like the concept of the show, the cinematography has to be appreciated. I just feel that it made me look at the world in a different way, that any object could take on a life of its own. I was standing next to a busy traffic way with a lush forest of shimmering trees just beyond the city life--just another random location--but I felt like it could be a location where The Disappearerer could pick me up. I'm guessing you probably had to be there in my body to get the feeling, but I just want to be thankful for a show in which there was extra thought and added meaning applied to the inanimate objects that surround our lives. Other shows just haphazardly film what they can in a mad dash to produce the 23-episode season in two weeks.

CS: Now you're just making shit up.

SE: I will say I was rocking out the Eureka podcast the other day, and I think you hit on something interesting. Shows stagnate when the protagonist isn't in harms way. That is why Dexter has gotten dry. We know were it is going; we know he won't get caught. This is why Boardwalk Empire started kicking ass when Nucky had his ass against the wall.

CS: I feel like I need to make a dick joke.

SE: I could keep waxing it on the poetic side, but yeah we need a dick joke. My dick is so big, its nickname is Heisenberg.

CS: That joke is as pathetic as the TV reception in Mr. Lambert's cabin.

SE: I loved that Walt and Saul were in white shirts like they were already in prison.

My dick is so strong, it snorts ricin to get high.

CS: I think we now know who the ricin is for.

SE: It would be so petty of him to black out his ex-partners at Gray Matter.

CS: Which is exactly what he is going to do. If there is any one distinctive trait of Walt, it is pettiness.

SE: Such a big matter has been made of Lydia's stevia addiction that I hope it's for her. Mr. White in the cafe with the ricin-laced stevia.

CS: I guess it’s possible, as she is the one who is advocating for the offing of Skyler.

SE: I loved how on the preview for Talking Bad they offered, "Tonight we discuss if Walt will take Saul's advice." When has Walt ever taken advice? Tonight on Talking Bad: "Does the pope shit in the woods?"

CS: Saul should have just karate chopped Walt in the throat when he started to go Heisenberg in the vacuum dungeon.

SE: I have always been rooting for that evil bastard Walter White. Do you think this episode turns more folks to his side for the epic gun battle?

CS: I don't see there being a gun battle. I think Walt is going to use the machine gun as intimidation. No way he goes down in a blaze of glory.

SE: I don’t think Walt is much for Bon Jovi anyhow, but it's perfect that Jesse is in a real dungeon because he is out of harm’s way until all the Nazis are gone. Then we get the final showdown.

CS: If Walt dies, Flynn is the one who kills him.

SE: Is there anybody that has flipped quicker than Flynn against his father?

CS: I don't know, and I don't fucking care. I wish Flynn would have died in the first 5 minutes of that show.  I hate that character so much.

SE: I don't quite understand that, but when do we get the Todd/Flynn spinoff? I want to see those two in business together.

CS: The character of Flynn is just stupid.  He didn't inherit even the tiniest bit of his father’s intelligence. He flies off the handle. He bitches and whines. I get that he is a teenager, but I also hate teenagers.

SE: Let's keep this hate going, so Jesse is tortured further by his lady friend being offed. I think they did that more as a safety measure than to show Jesse.

CS: Safety from what?  She didn't know anything.

SE: They didn't know that though. The only reason Skyler is alive is because Todd respects Walt.

CS: Exactly, they didn't kill Skyler because he respects Walt. They killed what’s-her-face because they don't give a fuck about Jesse.

SE: The Uncles of Anarchy are really sweet on women. The best torture for them would be to lock them up and have Skyler and Marie take turns dominating them.

CS: I think Landry is going to get spurned by Lady Banjo Eyes, and he kills her.

SE: Whoa, good call. I like that.

CS: Walt was going to turn himself in, he saw the interview, and now he's going back. He's going back to kill the Gray Matter folks, or he is going to frame them.

SE: So you are joining the crazy-talk-Breaking-Bad-theory bunch? That gun machine gun is going to get used like a mother fucker. The Nazis are getting mowed down. And then there will be the epic Jesse/Walt showdown.

CS: No, I clearly said the machine gun is going to be a power play.  Has Walt even shot a gun?

SE: Quit trolling. He blew the shit out of those super lab goons. Craig, Craig, Craig, Chekhov’s gun always gets used by The Vince Gilligan.

CS: What does Star Trek have to do with Gilligan’s Island?

SE: So what do you think Walt did in that cabin for months on end? He probably beat Huell's record for hiding out by 3,000 fold.

CS: I don’t know, but I would have gone insane.  Also giving yourself chemo is pretty fucking hardcore.

Also fun fact: New Hampshire is the Payphone Capital of the World.

SE: What a fantastic line by Robert Forster when Chemo Sah-be asked him to give the money to his family: "If I said 'yes,' would you believe me?"

From Walt's cabin library

CS: What was the end game with his $11 million in cabin cash?

SE: I think that was the whole point, that Walt had no end game. I was really wanting a clip of newspaper of Jessie's girl getting offed with Walter wondering what that was about.

CS: Going back to Jesse, it's amazing that handcuff lock technologies have NEVER advanced.  I mean really, what kind of jank-ass system can be picked with a shitty paper clip.

Shout-out to Steven Colbert's Americone Dream ice cream though.

SE: And you're telling me that he twists that paper clip back to normal after he is done and clips it back up? No way.

CS: That was just a montage.

SE: I wanted a montage of the newspaper clippings Walt had up on his wall.

CS: Breaking Bad has really had some nice montages over the course of the series. 

My brother once told me that he kept a handcuff key behind his belt in the back belt loop at all times, so when he had his hands handcuffed behind his back the key would be right there and he could get away. He also told me it came in handy more times than I could even imagine. My brother also told me he couldn't watch Breaking Bad because it hits too close to home.

SE: Which means he associates too closely with Badger.

CS: Yeah, he had many Badgers and Skinny Petes in his crew before he was exiled from this time zone.

SE: So let's take some odds to end this: Skyler dies (5/1), Walt lives (2/1), Todd kills Lydia (10/1), Jesse kills Walt (2/1), Brock becomes a meth dealer in the Saul spinoff (12/1), and how about this one: Walt wins (10/1).

CS: Marie goes back to wearing purple (1/2), Flynn does something stupid (off), Ghost of Hank comes back for a weird Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore moment in Ghost with his minerals (25/1), Skyler switches to non-filters (5/1).

SE: Well, we can guarantee the last episode will be non-filtered.

CS: I have no idea how they are going to wrap this up in about 60 minutes of television.

SE: Better than if Chemo Sah-be would have just died in his cabin eating canned green beans.

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad Season Five, Episode Fourteen "Ozymandias"

In this episode, Hank takes a trip to Belize with his partner Gomez leading people to believe he had a secret gay relationship, Walt and his family take to the road to start a traveling family band, and Todd and Jesse open a 50's-themed diner together.

Craig Scholes: Alright sirs (and the female version of sirs), Stan has decided to have fun this weekend, and it has compromised our Breaking Bad format a tad.  So Yours Truly will be helming this word salad of a breakdown. I feel bad for anyone who actually reads this.

Stan Earnest: Just letting you know I'll be watching this naked. Flashback!

CS: MOAR TIGHTY WALTER WHITES! Well that flashback seemed relatively pointless.

SE: Unless Holly bites the dust.

Knocking as we speak.

CS: Holly is the one who knocks.

SE: Literally. Knock knock knocking on labia's door.

CS: HOLY SHIT!

SE: This is just fucking madness.

CS: First, the Uncles of Anarchy come to Walt's rescue; then they go against his wishes; and finally they take his money.

SE: I love that Hank told him how stupid he is.

CS: I'm speechless. HOLY SHIT! HO. LEE. SHIT!

SE: Shouldn't our column just be like random sentences of nonsensical thought after that?

[OMD: As the one doing the final editing on this, no.]

CS: That was insane.

[OMD: One assumes that they're talking about Hank getting offed, but as you'll see this is much more of a live-blogging (without actually live-blogging) than a typical Breaking Down entry. Your guess, dear reader, is as good as mine.]

SE: The way he told Jesse about Jane was chillingly believable to the point where Jesse knows it is unequivocally true.  Did you know it takes them like a month to "break" one episode? Piece it together where it makes sense.

CS: Don't care. I can't wait to see how Walt lies about what happened. Jesus, Marie likes to stick her nose intp shit.

SE: Is Jesse Pinkman the most tortured soul in the history of everything?

CS: I can't think of a character who has been put through more hell.

SE: No wonder they have been setting Todd up as a sadistic fuck

CS: That photo of the only two people Jesse cares about is just cruel.

SE: I feel like I need to bathe myself in holy water.

CS: The write-up of this is gonna be all over the place and incoherent.

[OMD: Yes, yes it is.]

SE: It's on you, bro. Just kind of joke around about what happened, and make fun of the fact that no coherency can be made of the episode. So Todd stopped them from killing Jesse not at all to find out what he knows. The diabolical bastard.

Crucifictorious rides again 

CS: Landry don't give a fuck. I hate Flynn so much.

[OMD: But I do. I love Landry so much. The empire is yours, you magnificent bastard. Run with it. The world is your goddamn oyster.]

SE: How much money did you think AMC had to pay to use shit about a thousand times?

CS: You can say "bullshit," you can say "holy shit," but you can't say "don't step in that pile of shit." The only thing that would have made the dueling White scene any better is if after Walt's hand got sliced he recoiled and sprayed blood all over Holly's face.

SE: Tonight on Breaking Bad: The Earth splits in two.

CS: Well my Walter White fakes his own death theory got blown to shit, and that explains why they had the naming Holly flashback.

SE: The machine gun is clearly to gun down Flynn for ratting him out.

CS: God I hope so. Text I just got from a buddy: "Babies would just cramp my style in Belize."

SE: It's so awesomely batshit crazy for Walt to take the baby, and that truck hauls ass. What a fantastic buy.

CS: With the classic street drag rims too! Whelp, the producers have guaranteed that no one will be rooting for Walt. He's crossed the point of no return.

SE: No way. I'm rooting for Walt, lock, stock and smoking barrel. I hope he flattens the ABQ.

CS: Walt hauling that barrel around everywhere is kinda hilarious.

SE: That was the most intense episode of television ever.

CS: That was the fastest hour ever.

SE: It's amazing that Breaking Bad still finds the quirkiness.

CS: I guarantee we get at least one more Tighty Walter Whities scene.

SE: So the hour delay on the Seahawks/49ers game was so the crowd could watch Breaking Bad right?

CS: Sounds about right.

SE: What in the hell do you think Walt meant by "I still have things to do?"

CS: He's gonna get back his fucking paper!

SE: My guess is that Walt doesn't know Jesse is there when he blows away the Nazis, and the end is the epic showdown between Walt and Jesse.

CS: Jesse kills Walt, no way Walt walks away now.

SE: Walt kills Jesse.

CS: Skyler kills Walt.

SE: That would be my ideal scenario. Walt survives. That episode might be the best episode of anything ever. Who's the ricin for?

CS: Himself.

SE: Why would he ever take the ricin himself?

CS: So he doesn't have to be tortured.

SE: A gunshot to the head does the same thing. Walt would never spend energy to do something that could be done simpler. In your scenario you would be saying he blows the shit out of the Nazis. Then takes the ricin and divulges his entire story to the DEA or someone?

CS: I haven't got that far with my theory, but the snubnose gets taken from him. So anything else you wanna add before I try and edit this monstrosity?

SE: This could have totally ended up being an extra season long where Walt rises to kingpin of New Jersey somehow then comes back.

CS: Walt selling meth to guidos on the Jersey shore has tremendous potential.

SE: The craziest thing Walt did all episode was think that he could take his family on the road and that they wouldn't be caught.

CS: That would have been an entertaining traveling family band. Besides Flynn would have just fucked it all up.

SE: Kind of hard to hide Crippy McCrippenstein and baby Holly. I wonder if Skyler took her running technique from watching Shelly Duvall run from jack in the shining.

CS: Easily could have gotten a "Heeeeeeeere's Walter" as Heisenberg axes his way through a door.

SE: Skyler was also swinging that knife like Shelly Duvall was swinging that bat in the shining.

CS: I got nothing to add, who are we gonna wrap this up?

SE: With you saying "It's the Shinning"

CS: Jesus, this is gonna be my Vietnam.

SE: By the way, it's so much fun derailing this thing when you know you don't have to fix it, and I think of it as more of a Jesse chained to a meth lab scenario. Remember, the pain fades but the glory remains.

[OMD: Well that makes one of us.]

CS: I really feel like Im not doing this episode its justice, but editing a podcast while watching, and us really butchering talking about this episode.

SE: One last thing. I believe Walt might have been overly dramatic to keep Skyler from getting implicated knowing the police were listening.

CS: See, I was preoccupied a bit. I didn't even see Sting or Stuart Copeland in that scene.

[OMD: And once again I have to mention that this episode was directed by none other than Rian Johnson. Sure, it took until after the second commercial break to get to the credits, but Rian Johnson did direct. One has to wonder if he was responsible for the Walt rolling the barrel of money through the desert, which sure seemed like an homage to the opening of The Big Lebowski. Guys, guys, guys...]

Man on Film: The Master

If there is a thread that ties Paul Thomas Anderson's rather diverse filmography together, it is that his works are all offbeat character studies. With each venture, the subject and subject matter may vary drastically, but that central characteristic remains.

As with the rest of his oeuvre, The Master marches to its own beat, and that beat is not set by anyone playing drums. Whether it was Daniel Plainfield in There Will Be Blood, Barry Egan in Punch-Drunk Love, Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, or the two sides of the coin that Joaquin Phoenix and Philip Seymour Hoffman play in the forms of Freddie Quell and Lancaster Dodd in The Master, Anderson places the most importance on the journey of the character and not nearly as much on the journey itself. To those craving a conventional tale in which the action and events tell the audience everything they need to know, Anderson's careful but at time obtuse studies on character are going to be ultimately unfulfilling.

Even more than his previous works, The Master veers away from a brand of filmic storytelling adhering to conventions. To me, this makes him one of cinema's brightest and most unique working auteurs, with his deft hand and careful eye and maverick vision putting him in the rarified company of Terrence Malick as writer / directors whose vision is so singular and so complete as to leave me grateful just to have gotten to go along on their ride.

In The Master, that ride is one in which two polar opposites in virtually every way are drawn together despite or perhaps exactly because of their stark differences. The extreme contrast of the two is never clearer than when they're both arrested and thrown in jail. Freddie sits (or rather rages) at one end of the spectrum: the animalistic, uncontrollable, volatile, violent man; Lancaster stands at the other pole: civilized, controlled, calm, at peace. The scene is perhaps the most powerful of the film and is a microcosm of the film on the whole. Neither the greater mechanisms and institutions of society nor the man who represents his opposite can control him, and the longer he tries to conform himself to these externally constructed systems the more violent the recoil will be when the controlling grip is lost.

What this existential struggle between the two primarily means is that both the two leads, Phoenix and Hoffman, are served up meaty roles with which they can stretch their legs, crank their necks, loosen their jaws, and bite right into. Phoenix's return to dramatic acting* is a triumph. He loses himself in the role. It is one wrought with pathos, infused with a primal physicality, an overarching hyper-pubescent sexuality, and a mischievous spirit. His backstory is a bit murky. It's hard to tell if he was broken before the war or not. Regardless, it is breathtaking. Hoffman's role requires a command of self, a conveyance of confidence, that makes the audience believe in and want to follow him. That confidence has to be so prominent that even when Lancaster Dodd is clearly making up things he believes them to be true as soon as they are uttered.

*I'm Still Here was a lot of things, but I think we can all agree it wasn't a dramatic piece of fiction.

In support, Amy Adams is fantastic. The cold-hearted First Lady of a cult-leader crackpot with an eye on the prize and a believe in The Cause that drives her. Her icy stare, when employed, is startling. It's also nice to have Jesse Plemons in house, as there is never a time that I don't want to see him in something. Unfortunately, he kills no one here, so the Landry/Todd murderer jokes don't get extended to The Master.

And as for Anderson, The Master, a full realization of his very unique vision, is captivating, and in its 70mm glory is something to behold.

Trailer is NSFW

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad, Season Five, Episode Seven

"Say My Name" is a total shot to the gut. Heisenberg makes a deal with a new distributor as Mike executes his exit strategy. Mike's lawyer is caught red-handed by agent Gomez, endangering the anonymity of the operation. Walt thus scrambles to help Mike skip town, but changes his mind.

The Expendables 3 starring Jonathan Banks

Stan Earnest: This episode went places that I didn't even know Breaking Bad was capable of going to. All new levels of already skyscraper-tall heights is what keeps me on the edge of my seat and tap, tap, tapping my leg away wondering what happens next. Before we get to that, how much do you think AMC paid to say "god" followed by "damn?"

Craig Scholes: I don't think AMC has to. They are on late enough and aren't on a major network. South Park gets away with much worse. The really puzzling thing is, why does Netflix edit things?

SE: I just thought GD was off limits though. I know they will cut it later to just "damn". I mean, they already did in the weekly preview last week. I haven't the slightest clue why Netflix edits. I know I make darn sure my kids are in the family section when they select a movie to watch on it. Apparently, the birthday favor Skyler gives Walt in the very first episode is cut for some viewers.

CS: So are the titties in the first episode when Walt goes on the drug bust with Hank.

SE: Thankfully Ridley Scott isn't involved. Walt would be a cyborg with a jet pack.

CS: But that would still have its benefits. There would be aspects that would be very enjoyable. Hell, The Expendables 2 was terrible, but I loved every second of it.

SE: I'm fully sold on this season of Breaking Bad. At first, I was thinking it would have some Gus flashbacks and go over-the-top. But everything has played pretty straight forward. I think that is the key that has kept this season rolling. It's like a M. Night Shyamalan film without the curve ball, and it works.

CS: Without the curveball... so far. You are going to kill yourself when you find out that the goddamn trees that are allergic to water are responsible for the greater Albuquerque area meth pandemic.

SE: What pitch is left to throw is my question?

CS: I guess the only pitch left is the mythical Daisuke gyro ball.

SE: You know what pitch is left to throw? The darkest, nastiest, spit ball you have ever seen. You can see it coming a mile away, but it doesn't matter. Your still going to swing and miss. If Mike Ehrmantraut is forced away from his granddaughter in one of the most emotional scenes this show has ever produced and then left for dead at the hands of un-swallowed pride, where can Walt go? There is no redemption road here.

CS: So you are telling me Walt is going to kill Jesse?

SE: Something interesting of note is that Gilligan talked about the "industry" last week on the Insider podcast. He openly wondered if people come to Hollywood and the place turns them, or if the type of person it takes to make it that far already has that in them. We are all going to wonder, Gilligan included, if Walter White became a monster, or if he was a monster all along. Maybe there was no Mr. Chips. Maybe he was always Scarface.

CS: I would argue that Walt was always the monster. It’s the same thing when you have a dude who becomes a real asshole when he's drunk. He's already an asshole, but drinking gives him the courage to reveal it or at least the lack of giving a shit for how people see him.

SE: I do get tired of the talk about the show not being worthwhile because Walt is irredeemable. Of course Walt is irredeemable. That is the point. He goes up on the Mount Rushmore of irredeemable characters along with George Costanza and... Help me brother.

CS: King Joffrey on Game of Thrones, and fucking Lorie on the Walking Dead.

SE: I don't think anybody knows what they are truly capable of, good or bad. Thankfully, most of us aren't thrown into a situation where there is a newborn on the way and death is imminent. This is experimental TV. None of those aforementioned characters were the main theme of the show like Walter White. Some of us rooted for Walt at different points in the show, and boy are we ashamed now. If a writer can evoke those kind of feelings, that is good television. There was also talk of a well-known director blowing the final episode out into a full-feature, theater-release movie. What would that be like? The last 10 minutes of Scarface expounded over an hour-and-a-half?

CS: I could be talked into a Breaking Bad version of Serenity.

SE: I can be talked into Landry as Walt's new partner in crime. What a match made in hell.

CS: He's kind of an endearing idiot.

SE: Clear eyes. Full heart. Can't lose. Goooooooooo Team Meth!

CS: I love that basically every publication refers to Todd as Landry. If we can somehow get an Adrianne Palicki cameo where Landry is cooking meth to fund their baby I would lose my mind. In a good way.

SE: Please tell me, who was watching The Three Stooges meet up? They sure made it look like Gomez. That was a nice touch. Something unknown is always lingering.

CS: I missed that, I don't remember any Three Stooges in the episode.

SE: Larry, Moe, and Shemp hiding the methylamine. There was a guy hiding behind blinds watching them. He had the obligatory Breaking Bad facial hair as seen from a faint reflection. The writer's toyed with us. We see Gomez looking like he is about to reveal Heisenberg to Hank and then nothing, but we did get a giant Gomey grin. That was a slick move by the writers. I tip a Skyler wine glass to that. Her wine glasses are bigger than King Joffrey's chalices aren't they?

CS: Man, I need to go back to taking notes, I must have blacked out during that. I really don't remember that scene... at all.

SE: I have a note here that says, "Walt has the best and worst timing ever." He shows up at Hank's office just in time for him to gain knowledge that will inevitably lead to his safety, but about 737 more people will die.

CS: Aboard a 737 on the way to a Sandals resort?

SE: I feel like one day there will be an entire course at NYU film school dedicated to the last 5 minutes of this episode. The contrast of the clothes within the backdrop of the scene, the location, the cars kicking up dust, the intrigue as we follow Walt through the weeds, and the sound effects of an out-of-breath Walt, that is perfection.

CS: I love the line where Mike said, "Let me die in peace." What pisses me off though... Mike was holding a gun, and I don't think Walt shot him in the gut. Why wasn't there a second gun shot?

Let me die in peace, scumbag.

SE: That was interesting. There wasn't a second gun shot. Mike and Walt have the same sick relationship that Jesse and Walt have. They both respect each other, yet both want to be in charge of the other. I think Mike was done. He knew if he raised his gun Walt would fire again. In the weirdest way, I think he respects Walt and hates him also. He probably figures Walt can serve a better demise to himself than he ever could. Plus, if he leaves Walt dead, Jesse gets no money.

CS: It sucks that Mike couldn't ride off into the sunset, enjoying his retirement at a Sandals.

SE: The best line of the whole episode was, "I just realized I could have gotten the names from Lydia." It is a painful line. Ego and pride and everything that hides inside are no longer concealed. Walt realizes he isn't "himself" in that instant. He realizes that masterminds don't overlook details. Heisenberg is angry from years of having to listen to Walter White talk--and Boz Skaggs, for that matter--so he intentionally forgets things to enhance the action.

CS: I have a feeling Jesse is going to get fucked sideways with a cactus in the end. Not even the tough-as-a-three-dollar-steak Mike can withstand the wrath of Heisenberg. NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE!

SE: This brings us all back to the opening scene of the season. Would Heisenberg really be in hiding? Is he going to save Jesse from the other meth distributors? Does Lydia have a few tricks up her sleeve?

CS: I still think Walt will be protecting his family from someone. Or it just turns out that Walt is giving Flynn an M60 for his next birthday, tells him good luck firing this sumbitch. Then we get the inevitable character building episode where Walt builds his son a pair of bionic arms.

SE: There is no way that M60 is firing a bullet until Summer of 2013. If you would have told me that immediately after that scene, I would have tarred and feathered myself. But the way things are shaking out, I am now beginning to think the scene is going to stand out as one of the greatest mind-benders ever. It is unprecedented to show something like that, not give the payoff, leave the audience hanging, and have the audience enjoy what just happened. I bought the ticket. I am taking the ride.

CS: Perhaps Walt is going to use the M60 to take a Sandals resort under siege. Does Jamaica have extradition?

SE: If Walt does retire to a Sandals, is he the type that could then change again. Into a sandal-wearing, Hawaiian-shirt-sporting, potbellied beach bum, sipping pina coladas and slapping asses?

CS: Living the Jimmy Buffett life?

SE: Walt clinks daiquiri glasses with Milton from Office Space. End scene.

Boom. Yosted.

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad, Season Five, Episode Five

"Dead Freight" brings us the second caper of Season Five. After sliming up Hank at the DEA, Walt and the other two stooges use a wire-tapped phone call to corner Lydia, who oddly enough wasn't lying about the tapped barrels. Walt, Mike, and Jesse then use Lydia's insider info to pull off a methylamine heist with the unwavering help of their trusty sidekick, Todd.

Landry, Moe, and Shemp

Craig Scholes: Can you hear that? If not, it’s my slow clap congratulating you on calling a train heist.

Stan Earnest: Well, thank you, but that was because I have inside info (not Breaking Bad spoiler info, but train info) which I will share plenty of later, but for starters I just want to say I have a lot of issues with this episode. Some are serious issues with the way the heist was pulled, others are simply timing issues with the show. The pacing has left the viewer off kilter at this point. It is fantastic that we get to see Walt dive to all new lows--and highs for Heisenberg--as he plots under the radar of Hank, but the show is snail-pacing the first 8 episodes of Season Five if we are going to see Walt use that M60 before the Summer of 2013.

This is going to get ugly. I am calling it right now. I know how TV works. Breaking Bad is captivating. It is the best show on television, yet it has one-third of the viewers as The Walking Dead. This first half is going to end on a cliffhanger and the madness that would be a Hank vs. Walt standoff will have to wait, for a whole year. A. Whole. Year. Meanwhile, AMC will have a standoff with Gilligan and Co., and we will probably have Breaking Bad move to Fox, and they will only want it if there are three more seasons to come. So, I'm not saying I have lost faith by any measure in Vince Gilligan. I'm on board the train. I just am seeing red lights at this point. But I have faith, and the episodes are still entertaining as hell to me.

CS: I don't think your Fox theory is going to happen at all. From what I understand, the second half of Season Five has already been agreed to. I think if they try and pull out there are going to be some ugly contract problems.

SE: Let's hope so, we never hear the full spectrum with these things. I've heard it has been "bought" but not necessarily paid for--like they could go in with a higher budget, and there would be problems.

CS: I heard a Reddit rumor that Morgan Freeman is going to have a part.

SE: Wait a damn second, Morgan Freeman? Oh, I get it; God finally comes down to give Walt his karmic bitch slap.

CS: It seems to me that everyone involved likes the idea of wrapping the show up and ending it on top, and at this point the show is what it is. Dragging it on forever doesn't do anyone any favors. I don't think AMC is actually making that much money off of it.

SE: That is why I am so on board. Gilligan doesn't lie to his audience. At the same time, I don't think he ever knew how far this show was going to go. I mean, we have had five episodes without Hank even sniffing a scent of Heisenberg. If AMC isn’t making mega bucks off of it--because they have their heads up their asses on the marketing of merchandise like we have previously discussed--then there may be a problem.

CS: And after so long, critical acclaim won't keep a show on the air.

SE: So how much longer can we go with Hank looking straight through Walter?

CS: They've done it for about three seasons so far. Clearly Mike would whip Walt’s ass if it came down to fisticuffs, but that hasn't stopped Walt from getting the best of other people.

SE: Can we add up what he has seen so far, and what has got to be churning for him?

CS: Go for it.

SE: Ok, so the first red flag is the gas mask that goes back to the high school and thus the missing beakers and cooking utensils. Hank still remembers this right?

CS: Oh shit, you said Hank, and I read Mike. Can you imagine how entertaining a showdown between Mike and Hank would be.

SE: Yeah, like a DeNiro and Pacino showdown from Heat: one world-weary guy on the good side sitting across the table of another world-weary guy on the bad side.

CS: Hank is eventually going to have that Chazz Palminteri moment at the end of The Usual Suspects. When he puts all this shit together, will he drop a Pollos coffee cup?

SE: Onto Mike's foot as Mike spills the coffee beans about Walt in a scroungy diner. Chazz Palminteri, where is that guy? He had his Keyser Soze moment and disappeared forever. I think he is in that junkyard with Tuco's henchmen and Jimmy Hoffa.

Give me the keys you fucking cocksucker.

CS: He was in the flick Poolhall Junkies which was all right.

SE: Of course, I am going to search IMDB and see 47 B movies he starred in over the last 5 years. (I clearly underestimated Chazz; searching IMDB an hour after this comment I see he has had exactly 46 roles since Suspects--damn, I was close--and one of my favorites I forgot about, Hurly Burly.)

CS: How is it that The Usual Suspects is a 17 year old movie? It would be a Senior in high school, or maybe even a Freshman in college.

SE: Because we are old. So this Keyser Soze moment includes: gas masks and missing equipment at the school, the poker hand, the tequila incident, the second cell phone, the Aztek at the Jimmy In & Out bust, Gus at the hospital (which he didn't witness but his family did), “WW” from the lab notes, the can’t-handle-red-wine speech, and the car wreck at the laundry. What am I missing?

CS: Acting weird with the GPS at Pollos. He'll probably find out that Walt has been paying for the medical bills, too.

SE: Let's also not forget the cover up story about the gambling. How long before Hank haphazardly asks Walter to take him on a tour of these so-called underground facilities? Are we going to get a dark humor scene like when Walt saved the day at the scene of Jimmy In & Out? I would love to see Jesse orchestrate a fake gambling hall with Badger and Skinny Pete as black jack dealers. Of course, Badger couldn't be seen by Hank, but damn that would be great.

CS: Also, the realization as to why Skyler has been so fucking weird.

SE: What if the show ended with Hank never finding out who Heisenberg is or Hank dying before that moment? Rank that scenario in your list of all-time letdowns.

CS: Unless Skyler takes over the business.

SE: Clearly, Walt's worst mistake so far to me is not taking care of the wife first. I know how it works. You have to keep the wife happy. He should have taken her shopping and put her in a Benzo or Beamer cross-over and then grabbed the SRT. Oh Walt, you can play games with the crime underworld, but you have to keep your lady happy.

CS: I’m not sure spending cheese would have made Skyler happy though. She lost her shit over that champagne.

SE: I like that the show can take any weird direction it wants to and leave plot lines open. For example, Mike was saying that Walt and Jesse don't know Lydia like he knows her. Does this mean that she has stronger ties to Gustavo Fring than previously thought? Is that kid his? Or does that just mean that she is a nutcase and put a hit on Mike? I went from thinking the M60 was for Lydia to thinking that wasn't possible in two minutes.

CS: My theory is that Landry (Todd) turns out to be a maniacal child killer and the M60 is what it will take to keep Landry's blood thirst away from Flynn and whatever that fucking baby girl's name is.

SE: Holly maybe? She is the perfect on screen baby.

CS: Holly is a total bitch diva; I'm sick of her shit.

SE: I am hanging my head in shame, not just at that comment, but because I haven't seen Friday Night Lights yet. But with all the internet Landry comments, I am totally on board and going to mow throw all the episodes in like two weeks. I can't stand not being in on a joke.

CS: I can't wait for Crucifictorious and TwaughtHammer to go on tour.

SE: They can tour with Wyld Stallyns, Station, and Vamonos Pest.

I just realized that Lydia has to be completely wigged out by the time this is over if she wasn't all ready. Laura Fraser is amazing. She has to be thinking, "How the hell did they get a bug in the DEA?" You know, Lydia has a small resemblance to Ron Swanson's ex-wife. If we get a Ron Swanson crossover, that is it, no one can deny this is the greatest show ever. Maybe the M60 is for a corn-rowed Ron Swanson?

CS: Being a Libertarian, Ron Swanson wouldn't give two shits about anyone doing meth.

SE: Until they stepped on his territory.

CS: Walt and Jesse escape the DEA in one of Ron Swanson's hand-fashioned wooden canoes, and don't forget Duke Silver.

SE: They are doing some serious CGI work at Breaking Bad to erase that wheelbarrow Walt is using to carry his grapefruits in. He put a bug in the DEA and slathered his fingerprints all over it.

CS: A friend sent me nearly that exact same message in a text tonight.

SE: Is he going to remove it next time? Or keep them going live? I mean surely the DEA does sweeps once in a while.

CS: It will be much easier to get it out of there than to plant it though. Walt can get it just by tying his shoe laces then accidentally knocking the picture off the table, then offering to re-frame the picture.

SE: And then DJ Roomba sweeps it up and he has to break into the custodian closet.

CS: I didn't exactly get a good look at what he put in the picture frame

SE: I thought he was jacking into Hank's computer for info, but wasn't the device in the frame just a simple mic?

CS: Thanks to the power of DVR, I just rewound it and saw that, yeah, it looks like a mic. I would imagine the thing attached to the computer was just a way to transmit the audio via the interwebs.

SE: Ok, moving on to the heist, we have a resident expert here. I worked as a train conductor for six years. I can’t get into detail, but the way they pulled off this heist was frightening to me. Like I said, I won’t give detail, but I’ve literally lived that particular scenario. I know I get some credit for thinking they were going to heist a rail car of methylamine, but I have insider knowledge that I didn’t want to mention. Apparently, Breaking Bad doesn’t mind sharing the fact that rail cars of dangerous material sit in the middle of nowhere all the time. I am anxiously awaiting the Insider podcast to see what they had to do to get it cleared.

CS: In my amateur opinion (but having a fairly good grasp of momentum), it seems to me they got that train stopped a little too easily.

SE: I'm really biting my lip. This is hard to talk about, but yes, stopping a train is very, very, very hard to do. The thing is, as Lydia mentioned (she was really spot-on with the insider knowledge), this was a small train, but if it was a "local" that switched cars out there would be three guys on board, not two. Your typical coal train that is a mile-and-a-half long takes like a mile to stop under safe conditions. A mile. A little train like that one takes much less distance. There is no way, I mean NO WAY they have any clue how much distance it takes to stop a train. I noticed the bridge was really long that they were going to boost the methylamine off of, but man, NO WAY they have any idea how quickly it stops. It was the middle of the desert where you can see for miles and miles.

CS: I remember in middle school we had a conductor come to our school to warn us about crossroad safety, and he told us that it can take up to a mile for a train to come to a stop.

SE: An empty coal train can screech to a halt in like a quarter mile or less if it needs to, but anything loaded--like tank cars full of methylamine--takes much longer. Lydia is also spot-on with her railroad lingo. The writer's did their homework again. There is "dark territory" railroad--it is actually called that--and it is scary as hell to ride on. I am accustomed to signals controlled by dispatchers that guide train movement, but occasionally there are pieces of dark territory that trains run over. It is old rail that doesn't have much traffic and the dispatcher controls movement through verbal commands the conductor records as a "track warrant". You have to really trust the dispatcher, and then you buzz on down the track in the complete darkness of the night with no signals, guided by all these old railroad rules. In no way does this mean you are ever out of communication with the dispatcher.

CS: I don't like you having insider knowledge over me. It isn't enough that you nailed this episode with the prediction.

SE: Further driving the point home, the first thing that train is supposed to do when it is stopped is contact the dispatcher, and then if the train has anything other than plain old coal cars or other less dangerous cars, is inspect the train. The ingenious part about this plot is that a giant truck in the middle of the road would completely distract the conductor from inspecting his train. The bullshit whistle I am blowing on this heist is huge; it's bigger than a tuba and louder than a train horn. With that said, if everything lined up perfectly, it could potentially happen. I mean everything. The crew has to be paying attention, they have to decide it isn't worth calling the dispatcher after they apply the emergency brakes (which is a violation of railroad rules), they both leave the train unattended anyhow (which is a violation, unless they are on a shortline with less rules and regulations), and on top of it all they don't inspect the train and just take off when the truck is clear.

CS: But isn't that the beauty of TV, everything working perfectly? Isn't it human nature to cut corners and assume things aren't astray?

We killed a kid in the desert, and all we got was this hose and a pet tarantula?

SE: Listening to the Insider podcast, Gilligan knows he takes liberties. The thing is, 99.9% of the people that watch the show haven't been acclimated to railroad procedure, and that may be why I have little suspended disbelief.

CS: I've had my doubts in other situations though. I’m still not convinced you could get that many car batteries to get an electromagnet strong enough to pull a U-Haul over like that.

SE: Yes, I am glad this madness is happening during Walt's off-the-rails phase. They are backed into a corner and don't give a damn, so why not take the risk. I love that he shares with Skyler what he was doing.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room, what does Todd's role mean for the series going further?

CS: It means Jesse is going to kill him.

Oh, and I almost forgot, once again the better half Saul's D team comes to the rescue. Bill Burr has been fantastic in this show. What a fantastic shirt with those nut-huggers too. "Of course you know something about engines, that’s why they call you an engineer."

SE: Most railroad engineers don't know dick about engines. A diesel locomotive is an electronically controlled engine ran on power from a diesel motor. They man the controls, not work on engines. That is why that Bill Burr line was so great.

CS: I'd really like to find out what they did to that dump truck to render it useless though. I know from experience that there are many engineers who don't know two shits about the most basic of engineering principles, hell, me being one of them a lot of the time--if not most of the time. Once, I had someone tell me that they didn't know you had to go to college to drive a train.

SE: You don't holmes, not at all. Any regular joe with half an IQ can hire on and get trained. That isn't to say the railroad isn't chock full of what some refer to as "wasted talent", men and women that could have been brilliant at other jobs, but flocked to the railroad for the money.

CS: Every walk of life is littered with those people. I've known many idiot savants in my day.

SE: Which is why Walter White is so believable. I worked with a guy that was a professional french horn player at one time, repaired microwaves at one time, could sing just like Van Morrison, and had famous relatives, top that.

CS: I had a roommate who's father was fired from Halliburton by Dick Cheney and still voted for Bush/Cheney twice

SE: Speaking of dicks, what is Todd's deal? Is he a psychopath? Did he want to prove he could handle himself to the guys? Or was he just afraid to go to prison?

CS: I think he is just a guy who sees things in black or white. He rectifies problems and worries about consequences later.

SE: So does Jesse immediately off Todd? How does this shake out next episode?

CS: It shakes out with a battle of the bands between Crucifictorious and TwaughtHammer. Faaaaaallacies!

Breaking Down: Breaking Bad, Season 5, Episode 3

 "Hazard Pay" brings us back to the beginning. Yet again, Walt and Jesse devise a scheme to cook methamphetamine. The operation nestles itself in bug infested territory while Team White and Pinkman get back to the good ole days, cuddling and drinking beer. The White family takes in a living room matinee of Scarface and the ongoing saga of Mike versus Walt continues to rear its collective bald head.

Walt & Jesse don patriotic garb at the 2012 Summer Olympics

Stan Earnest: First off, unpopular opinion alert, this is the best episode of Season Five so far. It has a little bit of everything. Walt is a complete mastermind, and he knows it, which causes problems for other people and makes for great television.

Craig Scholes: It’s definitely better than the first episode, but I think last week's was a little better. It’s definitely starting to pick up.

SE: You know Vince and Co. were scouring the internet to figure out what a semi-intelligent-but-under-funded meth lab operation ran like. They have a penchant for real world ideas; I want to find the internet news article for the real life Vamonos Pest. And how many upstart bands are going to name themselves Vamonos Pest? I'll set the over/under at 53. I'm taking the over.

CS: Not gonna lie, I think the mobile bug tent meth lab is freaking brilliant, and, of course, Skinny Pete can shred on the keys.

SE: Badger is so avante-garde.

Whoop whoop, sound the alarm, man battle stations. We have a television series faux pas: solid character from another solid television show (Friday Night Lights) popping up as a new random dude. I'm calling it right now: that guy is an informant.

CS: HOW DARE YOU! Snitches get stitches, and Landry ain't no snitch.

Badger, is a horrible guitar player, combined with a horrible guitar, and a horrible guitar sound. Badger is the inverse of Jack White.

SE: He is like Jimmy Page if Jimmy Page lived in suburban America, practiced five minutes a day, and fashioned his interests after The Offspring.

CS: First you take a shot at Landry, now you are taking a shot at the Offspring; sir, you are teetering on fragile ground.

"Senor Badger, power chords are for Miller 64 drinkers"

SE: I'm just channeling what I would be like if I succumbed to advertising and drank a Miller 64. Dear Miller, your ads are great... if I was 22, hated my job, and didn't know what good beer was supposed to taste like. But, hey, whatever foots the Breaking Bad bill.

CS: Don't forget the token Scarface clip to bring in Mob Week.

SE: I can not believe Gilligan went ahead and threw it in an episode. At first I thought it was absurd and then I realized how genius it is for Walt to reminisce about that movie with Junior, sequester him to the dark side. Second unpopular opinion alert, I'm not a big Scarface fan. There is a lot of dead air in that movie before the big finish. It's good, it just isn't Casino good or Goodfellas good. I can't wait to see what line Walt uses with his Rambo gun. Any guesses?

CS: You know why you aren't a Scarface fan? Because that movie fucking sucks.

SE: But Walt will likely be shooting at fans of Scarface! I hope he screams, “Lung cancer saved my life!”

CS: I have a sneaking suspicion the Rambo gun situation will be similar to Walt watching a guy on a roof with binoculars, which will kind of be a bummer. I fully expected Skyler to lose her mind about the baby and Walt Jr. watching Scarface.

SE: Walt is at the top of his game controlling Skyler through Marie. He spun Marie a few times in the meth lab laundry and hung her out to dry in the desert sun.

CS: Totally, this whole episode is about remembering good guy Walt and then twisting that theme to focus on where Walt is now. He totally mind-fucks Marie, and you remember, oh wait, Walt is a selfish piece of shit. Walt also mind-fucked Jesse with the “atta boy” speech.

SE: Back to advertisements, I love how in the AMC ads they make it clear that the shows are available on cable and satellite, but, "not available on Dish." We are getting Total Recall-ed by AMC. My new favorite thing is to talk to my buddies that are Breaking Bad fans that have Dish and are seeking shelter elsewhere, and inform them that the "second half" of Season Five doesn't start 'til Summer of 2013. The look of horror on their faces is priceless. I truly am a sadist.

CS: I know the feeling, I sent a Dish-subscribing friend the same text I sent you that just said "LANDRY." He proceeded to flood me with a ton of questions and then told me to stop teasing him.

SE: Oh no, Walter White is rubbing off on us. So I've noticed a couple of--what should have been obvious-- things about the first few episodes. The show is looking at Walter White in a whole new way. Instead of getting a glimpse into what Walt is doing the whole time, sometimes the viewer gets the back of his head or just an arm. There is this move towards not showing exactly what Walter is up to at all times, which started with the Lily of the Valley last season. I have a feeling we are going to find out Walt has been awful busy doing dirty work behind the scenes by Episode Seven or Eight. Mike or Hank will find themselves in a precarious situation, and we will be thrown off scent, but it will be Walter pulling the strings.

CS: If this holds true, perhaps Walt will be getting too close to the sun himself.

SE: You know, I really enjoyed the throwback to early Breaking Bad though. Walt and Jesse have to configure their operation from scratch once again. Saul is rock steady. We even get some porno music while Walt and Jesse do their thing to some hi-tech camera work. Perverse and sublime married once and for all.

CS: At any point do you think Mike and Walt won't absolutely hate each other, or is this relationship going to spin completely out of control? The tension between those two is utterly palpable. First Walt essentially vetoes a vote in the car. Then it gets touch and go again when they attempt to split up the money. Mike is going to kick the shit out of Walt again.

SE: Here is the deal with Mike and Walt, one would think they could have it out, come to an understanding, and move on, but that isn't happening because of what has transpired in the past, with Walt getting cock-knocked by Mike at the local watering hole and then eventually coming out on top. Mike had his chance to join Team White a long time ago and denied it. I will say this, Walt has every right to question Mike's handling of the money. How does he know that Mike isn't extorting him? Besides that point, what does Walt care about the men that had their hazard pay yanked? I can definitely see where Walt doesn't think that is his problem.

CS: The funny thing to me is that those guys hate each other so much that they will never be able to have a true conversation about it. Mike just tells him, “Deal with it.” And Walt has this desire to attack anything he doesn't have more than a basic knowledge of. Jesse is going to get an inadvertent butt fucking from those two. Walt, of all people, should have had a grasp on the knowledge that they are making less total, but a higher percent.

SE: Mike is not a man of words, and that helps him in almost every situation, except with Walt. Walt needs to be informed. At this point, he needs to know every nook and cranny of Gus's operation to keep his flight above the clouds. Mike really needs to just put the bitch slap on Walt and tell him how much respect he owes for saving him from the Salamanca twins that were carpet bagging his bedroom.

CS: I guess that is the core of it: Walt really doesn't know as much as he thinks he does, and it shouldn't be that hard for him to realize that his actions will cost him in the future. That, after all, is the very definition of consequence. If Mike's guys start ratting, eventually his ass is going down.

SE: Ever notice that Mike looks a helluva lot like Walt if they were both done up by a sketch artist? If Mike was pinned as Heisenberg, would he rat Walt out?

CS: I don't think Mike would rat on anyone, except for Walt. Mike has no reason not to. He flat out doesn't like the guy, and if Mike ever gets locked up, Walt will be the reason anyhow.

SE: Getting Brock and Walt in the same room was textbook drama. Walt is such a bastard, you know he looks at Brock loafing and playing games on his phone and just thinks, "Loose end."

CS: How did Walt slip Brock the flower? Because I could have sworn Brock shot Walt a look where he was thinking, “Hey, I've seen you before.”

Uncle Tio, in the nursing home, with the bell

SE: I got that vibe too. My guess is Saul, with a Snickers bar, in the family room. Fun fact: Mrs. White was a character in the board game Clue.

CS: Fun Fact: Skyler is losing her fucking mind, and she looks like haggard dog shit too.

SE: Somebody had to tell Marie to shut up.

CS: I've been telling her to for five years, apparently she couldn't hear me.

SE: So we both kind of thought like Walt about why Victor was offed. The problem is Walt is right, but he is wrong too. Victor was seen at the scene of the crime and Walt doesn't know this, but he is in Gus's Italian leather shoes now, and Mike's days are numbered. It is going to be interesting to see how Jesse takes being an employee of Walt's when Mike gets some ricin in his Ensure.

CS: Walt is probably going to be given the ricin in a competition of wits versus a Sicilian.

SE: How great would it be if Walt accidentally ricins himself to end the show?

CS: I don't see how Walt, who pays so much attention to everything, could accidentally do that though. I can see someone finding out that Walt has it, then tricking him into giving it to himself, but I don't think any accidents would be involved.

SE: Maybe the ricin finally gets used by Jesse on Walt and the last scene is a lengthy Jesse monologue about the dastardly life of Walter White while he is slowing dying, and Jesse becomes the new king of thrones.

CS: What if Skyler finds it on accident, then gives it to Walt?

SE: It is fun how Breaking Bad has gone from Walt and Jesse painting themselves into corners and then finding the escape hatch at the last second to them controlling their own fate. The magnet heist wasn't needed for the encrypted laptop, but the reveal of the bank accounts actually helped them out this time. Otherwise, Mike wouldn't be a part of the team.

CS: It’s amazing, the more you break bad the better you get at it.

Man on Film: Battleship

To hear people talk about Battleship, one would assume it is as bad as Transformers. It seems like the bulk of the reviewing masses want to shoe-horn that film into their reviews. As someone who was never able to make it past the 30-minute mark of Transformers, I can safely say Battleship is nowhere near that bad. For starters, the action sequences aren't chopped up so much as to render the events unintelligible. Is it a great film? No, but I'd hardly say that was the intent.

The very picture of the masculine ideal

Without delving into the larger issue as to whether Hollywood has, in fact, run out of ideas when Hasbro has launched a film division, Battleship as a stand-alone film is perfectly suitable. It is an event film; as such, it seems as though one is predestined to sit through a film with a handful of non-actors. In this case, the audience is subjected to Rihanna's first foray into the world of "acting" and the continued attempt to sell Brooklyn Decker to the masses as this generation's Kathy Ireland. These are regrettable casting choices, but neither are total hindrances to being able to enjoy the film at face value. There is also an unusual number of supporting cast members that are actually veterans. On an obvious level, this is an admirable decision on director Peter Berg's part, but--especially in the leaden and interminable physical therapy scenes with Brooklyn Decker--this can make for some rough scenes.

Luckily, the film has the charisma bomb Taylor Kitsch in it. Maybe I'm so much in his camp that I'm beyond impartiality, but this is two huge Kitsch vehicles this year that have, ummmm, not done especially well. While Oliver Stone's Savages still gives one hope for a future of three Taylor Kitsch flicks a year, it hasn't been the best of years for the prospects of a Taylor Kitsch-owned Hollywood. Kitsch delivers here again. The sometimes clunking behemoth of Battleship keeps chugging along thanks in large part to Kitsch. Sure, Berg hits the not-so-subtle notes that would make Roland Emmerich proud and pulls the right strings at the right beats, but it is that combination of impish charm and rugged masculinity in the package that is Taylor Kitsch that makes the film palatable. I say this all as a straight male--a claim that becomes harder and harder to believe each time I review a Taylor Kitsch film.

Really, what it all comes down to is that Battleship isn't so dumb as to have deserved the heaping helpings of scorn it's received. It's far from a great film. There are absolutely better ways for the innocuous entity we'll call "Hollywood" to have spent its money. Those ways likely do not include making films inspired by board games--I'm looking at you, Candyland. Sometimes turning your brain off and enjoying a ride isn't the worst thing in the world.