Monday, November 8, 2010

Tube Steak: Things I've Learned from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Perhaps this entry title is a bit misleading insofar as I've only learned one thing from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  That, of course, is the fact that Kim Richards needs me to marry her.

Now, I know what you're thinking...  Wait, what about your SPLF, Old Man?  Well, once you and I are wed, Kim Richards, the SPLF can move on to the only man she truly loves Timothy Olyphant (sorry, Mrs. Olyphant).

Kim Richards, since I first laid eyes on you--I was eight marvelling at your ten-year-old self, but I was in 1987 and the you I was smitten with was the you from 1974 or so*.  That didn't stop me from pining over you though, and my passion for your former self was re-ignited when I watched Tuff Turf, perhaps the greatest film ever, a couple years back.

*Think Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in The Lake House**, or in an actually lamer way***, pre-crippling Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour in Somewhere in Time, everyone's mom's favorite movie.****

**Yeah, dickhead, I saw The Lake House.  Go screw yourself.  

***Yes, there is something lamer than The Lake House.

****Thanks a fucking lot, Oprah.

So if there has been one thing to be learned from these few episodes, it is that Kim Richards deserves better.  That's where I come in.

I'm awesome, and I know you deserve the best.  And you're a stone-cold fox.

Kim, you can contact me through the contact information on my profile.

I miss you already.

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