Rediscovering the Past: Out of Bounds, A Sign of a Better Time

All, this week's Wordy Old Men on Downton Abbey is going to have to be put off 'til next week as Wordy's pricey laptop issues and my sickness and likely death from my head exploding next time I sneeze has gotten in the way. So here is a peace offering. Another oldie but goodie (and this one is slightly touched up). This one originally appeared back on March 29, 2009 and ended up leading to none other than Keith Coogan visiting the comments section with a great snippet about himself and a certain look-alike.  

1986 was a better time in American history. I high point, really. ALF premiered. The Burt Reynolds Heat--you know, the good one that that hack piece of shit Brian De Palma is going to ruin but at least it will have some Statham in it--came out. The two best movies ever, Highlander and Howard the Duck, both were released that year. And of course, Out of Bounds was released. You may be asking yourself, "Wait, what the fuck is Out of Bounds? Am I this far out of the loop?" Yes, you are. Get your shit together.

Basically, if you are looking for the perfect marriage of the Youth in Revolt and Wrong Man genres, then the 1986 Anthony Michael Hall star vehicle Out of Bounds is your fucking movie. Yes, that's right, 1986 was a time in which Anthony Michael Hall was getting star vehicles. Shit was just better then.

AMH plays Daryl Cage--surely a cousin of Nic Cage, especially after considering AMH's Out of Bounds co-star Jenny Wright dated my favorite Cage for two years--an Iowan teen who goes to live with his brother in Los Angeles (which, when I just typed it, I pronounced in my head in the same manner that Sam Elliott does in The Big Lebowski) after his home breaks. When they land at the airport, he and his brother grab the wrong duffel bag (no, there are not eight heads in it).

Of course, it happens to be full of drugs, and this sets Daedalus from "Kindred: The Embraced" on a murderous rampage that seems to the authorities (whose efforts are led by Mayor Royce, Glynn Turman) to be the work of the Daryl. Honestly, Jeff Kober is one creepy looking hombre and this casting decision works. Think a scarier version of Robert Davi or Andrew Divoff, or if you're a Heat fan like me (yes, the aforementioned good one), a young Henry Silva, and you've got your villain.

Perhaps the most awesome aspect of this film--and trust me, there are plenty--is how dead all the dead people look. They don't just look like they were freshly killed. No, it would be a damn shame if you confused that body with a live person. No, these corpses look like zombies mere hours after they've been offed.

Of the myriad other badass aspects of this film, Jerry Levine (the sleazy Keith Coogan) makes an appearance, which is really cool, but pretty much as soon as he appears you know somehow Kober is going to kill Stiles, and no one wants Stiles dead. I know who you're going to ask next, and no, he's not wearing the "What Are You Looking At Dicknose" shirt.

Also, there's a performance in the film by Siouxsie and the Banshees, Dewey Cox's dad/Arlo Givens plays a crooked DEA agent, a Meat Loaf appearance (acting, not performing), and sweet fucking Night Ranger song, "Wild and Innocent Youth". Unfortunately, this is the best video I can find for it:

I know it's not easy to find. From what I can tell, it never got released on DVD, but it is on Amazon Instant Video. Your life will be improved in every way for having seen the world at its apex, with AMH as a star. I know you like this place, but what the fuck are you still doing here? Get watching.

Tube Steak: 24: Redeemed?

At about two-thirds through its last season, I lost interest in "24" and fell behind. I haven't seen the last few episodes of the sixth season and it's more than a year-and-a-half later, but tonight's airing of the "24" television movie is leading to a re-examination.

Jack is doing missionary work and subpoena dodging in the fictional country of Sangala in Africa (presumably for something he did at the end of last season), but my first question rose about ten minutes in when I saw Gil Bellows and couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking when he went with those sideburns. I didn't know diplomats operated in a time vacuum and the 1970's were still alive and well. Moreover, I'm pretty sure they have dress codes...

After the first commercial break, we finally get the first sexy girl shot of the season, with a scantily clad Carly Pope (daughter of Pope John Paul II, I'm sure) post-coitally dressing. Not complaining.

Shortly thereafter, we're treated to our first Powers Boothe (native of Snyder, Texas--formerly home of one of the only Taco John's in Texas) appearance. Status: seething and lame-ducking.

If "24" has taught me one thing--well, one thing other than the fact that Presidents die all the time, and Jack Bauer is a badass who stops at nothing to do what needs to be done--it's that the first new character that interacts with Jack is going to have someone close to the maimed, kidnapped, blackmailed, shot, and/or killed. That would be true in my life, too, which is why I like the show so much, I guess.

New development: the UN are pussies. Jack Bauer obviously is not. UN guys go hiding in shelters with all of the innocent children while Jack Bauer blows up militant warlords' shit with dynamite and then shoots them with his handgun. He is also faster than fucking rockets.

Can Robert Carlyle ooze badass as much as Kiefer Sutherland? I guess I have to wait until after the commercial break...

Well, now I have to wait while Ally McBeal's balding boyfriend (or whatever the hell he was) is getting all the Americans airlifted out from the embassy. This just in: Gil Bellow's Frank Trammell = Tool of the Man.

Jack Bauer can withstand all sorts of shit though. And is cagey.

Answer to the Carlyle quandary: Well, it wasn't much, but he saved Jack, kind of. Oh, and Jack can kill anyone at anytime with anything.

This Roger Taylor character looks a little too much like adult Anthony Michael Hall for my liking. Apparently, this guy is Blake Lively's brother, Eric. At least one of them is doing something cool (hint: it's not Blake on "Gossip Girl").

Speaking of lookalikes, Colm Feore (playing the First Husband) must be Michael Gross'* twin brother. Steven Keaton being tough is a hard sell to me. Wasn't he a pacifist?



*Isn't it a little fucked up that when you're choosing between various Michael Grosses, this Michael Gross is listed as being the Michael Gross from Tremors? Seriously? Gary Coleman's credit to identify him is not "Diff'rent Strokes". What the fuck?

Tim Roth is going to be in a show based on a Jonny Lang song? I don't know about that one...

Well, I guess kids in Africa love scarves. Carl Benton likes kids. Scarves win out every time.

What a short season 7 preview during the last commercial break.

If Jack ends up in a situation in which he gets to kill people in this last fifteen minutes I'd be shocked.

Fuckin' A. Jack Bauer shoots a bunch of guys in the streets of that city in Sangala without killing any civilians and gets the machete wielding kid from the teaser to drop his weapon.

How can Benjamin Franklin Gates' dad be such a dick?

And all Jack Bauer needs to do at the embassy is drop his fucking name and those military dudes go running to do his bidding. Frank Trammell? Still a dick.

And Jack has to turn himself in. But the kids are safe.

Now-President Taylor's inaugural speech was a little substandard. She should have asked Barack Obama to write it for her. Alex P. Keaton's dad was moved, though.

My main question upon the completion of the TV-movie-event-of-the-new-century-that-wasn't-Category-7 is will Jack be all of these refugee children's foster father in the new season, and if so, will this be a new action packed season of "Diff'rent Strokes"?